WHO SHOULD PROPOSE ?

Temuka Leader, Issue 2737, 13 November 1894, Page 3

WHO SHOULD PROPOSE ?

(By Lady Cook, nee Tennessee Claflin.) Marriage is like a voyage at sea—it reveals character. It shows others what manner men and women we are. So Corydon may be the gentlest of swains, and Phyllis the sweetest shepherdess that ever carried a crook, so long as they meet to woo and to be wooed ; but when they exchange their pastoral pursuits for homely housekeeping, the defects of each are for the first time exposed to the other. It is all very well to sit on a mossy bank beneath some ancient tree in the leafy mouth of June, surrounded by flowers and frisking lambs, and to babble of love and eternal fidelity; but to sit by a smoky fire in winter, when the larder is emp y and the purse is low, and flowers and iambs and June are dead, and love itself fast dying, will test the strongest vows and unloose the most latent discords. Each is surprised to find that the character of the other was misunderstood. Each feels deceived and aggrieved, and reproaches and tears take the place of billings and cooings. But the glittering mansion is not exempt from the evils of the thatched cottage. There may be wealth and rank and a full measure of worldly prosperity, yet discord will enter in. Lady Clara Vere de Vero is as frail and unstable as her humbler sisters. Her lordly spouse is in his way as selfish and as exacting as simple Corydon. Ennui and friction are as fatal to the happiness of the great as cold and want to the poor. Discontent is the cause with both. And why ? Because n ither realiy knew each other. Because both masked their failings and displayed their most agreeable qualities and abilities. Because the role of the man was to win, and of the woman to be worn It was his to pursue boldly and hers to coyly retreat. Thus he displayed a fictitious courage, and she an’ artificial modesty, with two wrecked lives as a result.

These methods may have bean suitable for a barbarous age when men wooed like the birds and bea.its of the field, and lived scarcely better lives than they. But at this period of human evolution we require more rational processes of mating, processes which will promote truth and honesty between sexes prior to marriage, and thus prevent unpleasant after developments. And in order to accomplish this we must first sweep away the cobwebs of superstition, particularly those which render it immodest for a woman to make the first advances in affection. Women are far shrewder than men in the matter of sexual choice, aud are less governed by blind passion. If they had the same freedom to propose as m m have, there would be fewer unhappy marriages. It is true a woman has many ways of letting a man know that he is pleasing to her without saying so in so many words. But men have the same. Aud any such indication on her part, would, as things are, be liable to serious misconstruction. She might bo accused of levity or eveu of wantonness unless she could be permitted to make her intentions clear by a definite proposal. It might sound a little strange at first for a m ideat and pretty girl to say ; Dear Mr Smith, I have had the pleasure of knowing you for some time, and have the highest esteem for your character. I am sure you would make a good and affectionate husband to a suitable wife. Our views and feelings have often been mutually exchanged in the most friendly and unreserved manner, and I have learnt to entertain a tender regard for you. If you, as I flatter myself you do, feel similarly towards me, and think I could make you a wife after your own heart, 1 should feel myself the happiest woman alive by your accepting me. Should y>u consent to my proposal, I shall be delighted to mend m it at once to your mother.” This, we say, might sound strange at first, but not stranger ihan now when at a tenants’ ball the ladies of the great house invito the arm to dance with them; and after a few courageous maidens had essayed aud succeeded, it would quickly become the fashion. men, we hear, are shy of proposing now-a-day, aud so cultivate bachelorhood. This is not only an evil to the commonwealth, but is also a wrong to the fairer members, aud a tacit reproach to their character. As men are not generally given to excessive modesty as to their own qualifications, it cannot be supposed that they think themselves not good enough for the women. It would be a g'eat slur on our marri geable young women, however, to suppose that they are not good enough for the men, and still worse if it. could he said that neither are lit f>r marriage. Jf the young men will not do as th ir fathers before them, and what has hitherto t.een considered their duty, let our gills inaugurate a better state of things by propping on their own -count. After the first novelty has worn off, no one will accuse them of impropriety or forwardness.

in truth it seems most fitting, if there should be any p r efetenca in propusing that woman should possess it. At present marriage is of more importance to her than to a man. Uur opponents are never tired of teWng us that it is her vocation. We will t tke them at their word. A g >■ d woman’s happiness centres iu her Irene There the is mistier, m ither a.id queen. It k her dulight to mako oil witlua. iu

influence the happier and better for tie 1 rule, and to convert it into an earthly Paradise. But to do this she must, have the man whom she can love most truly, and must, therefore, have the ri 'ht of choosing One of the nost. accomplished and beautiful Englishwomen of her day, Lady Mary Wort'ley Montngue, daughter of a duke and wife of an ambassador, and an associate of the most intellectual men in Europe, an uuromantic, clear-headed, fashionable lady who saw more of life, perhaps, :han any other woman, in reply to Rochefoucault’s cynical maxim, “ That marriage is sometimes convenient, but never delightful,” and said, “ It is impossible to taste the delights of love iu perfection, but in a well-assorted marriage, A foud c .uple attached to each other by mutual affection, are two lovers who live happily together. Though the priest pronounces certain words, though the lawyers draw up certain instruments, yet I look on these preparatives in. the same light as a lover considers a rope-ladder which he fastens to his mistress’s window. If they can but live together, what does it signify by what means the union is accomplished. . . . Two married lovers lead very different lives ; they have the pleasure to pass their time in a successive intercourse of mutual obligations and marks of benevolence, and they have the delight to find that each forms the entire happiness of the beloved j object. Herein consists perfects felicity, j The most trivial concerns of economy ; become noble and elegant when they are ; -xalted by sentiments of affection : to furnish an apartment is not barely to furnish an ap irtment —it• is a place where I expect my lover to prepare a supper is not merely giving orders to my cook—it is an amusement to regale the object I dote on. In this light a woman considers these necessary occupations as more lively and affecting pleasures than those gaudy sights which amuse the greater part of the sex, who are incapable of true enjoyment.” The husband’s feelings in his duties correspond to the wife’s : ho works for her, and both are prepared, by calm reflection, for mutual infirmities and the ravages of time. “ When a pair,” she adds, “ who entertain such rational sentiments, are united by indissoluble bonds, all nature smiles upon them, and the most common appear delightful. In my opinion, such a life is infinitely more happy and more voluptuous than the most ravishing and best regulated gallantry.” Another reason why a woman should have the privilege of proposing is, that it is she who will bear the fruits of the marriage. Hers will be the pain, the years of weariness, the intense anxiety and affection for her offspring. If she endure the cross, should she not also wear the crown 1 If in suffering and sorrow she bring forth children, should she uot have the selection of her partner, so that she may be indemnified for all by the joy of knowing that they spring from one whom she is proud to call their father 'i Women are growing wiser, and if free to propose would elect the worthiest they could obtain. The wiser they prove the more select will be their choice. Rakes and profligates of all descriptions they will reject. They will to join themselves to any unless sound in body, mind and morals. Maternity will be revered as a sacred function demanding every just precaution ; as an ob igation to reproduce man as in the Biblical beginning—iu the likeness and image of God.