THE WAYS OF THE WORLD.

Temuka Leader, Issue 2003, 4 February 1890, Page 2

THE WAYS OF THE WORLD.

F. W. Badham, Esq., is a gentleman distinguished in the republic of letters, he being the custodian of all the dunning letters sent by the public to the post office of Bulmer. He is a Civil servant —very civil when he gets all his own way—and receives as remuneration for his services as postmaster of Bulmer the handsome salary of £SOOO a year—that is, 5 without the noughts—which, with that magnanimity so characteristic of him, he despises as worthless- In his capacity as postmaster of Bulmer, Mr Badham is in frequent communication with the Postmaster-General. This distinguished personage is most inquisitive, and is everlastingly requiring information concerning Bulmer. Not long ago he wanted to know what Bulmer was distinguished for, and the Bulmer postmaster said it was distinguished for good beef and had ham A circular from the PostmasterGeneral recently making inquiries as to the safes in the Bulmer Post Office put Mr Badham to the pin of his collar. He took counsel with his friend the Peacemaker, but they could not agree, and so they called in myself as umpire, and after much animated discussion we drew up a reply to the circular. The questions were put in a tabulated form, and we answered them as follows : 1. Number of safes in Bulmer Post Office t—l meat safe. 2. Name of maker of safe I—Comer and Larcombe.

3. Number of the key ?—No key. 4. Where is duplicate key ]—Nowhere. 5. Give inside measurement of safe—2ft. 6in.

6. Outside measurement I —2fr. 10m. 7. Description of strong room, if any 1 —Concrete walls, 9in. thick. 8. Dimensions of strong rooms I —soft by GOP,

This circular was filled up as above and forwarded by Mr Badham, and I am sure the Postmaster-General will be satisfied with it.

Since writing the above an incident has occurred which has caused me to change ray opinion of Mr Badham, and I have come to the conclusion that he must die. I repeat that he must die; he is not fit to live. The other day he came into town with a smile that was “ child-like and bland ” —in fact, he wore his fish-dianer smile—went round amongst all the local agents of reapers and binders and told them he had a beautiful crop just ready to cut, and they could hold a trial there if they liked. Glad of the opportunity of showing off their machines, three or four of the agents availed themselves of the invitation and went. They all had well-packed baskets, and were prepared to make a great day of it. But, alas ! they were doomed to disappointment. Thie crop Mr Badham had to cut was a tangled mass, still not within a month of being ripe, with the straw as thick and as strong as osiers, while the ground was boggy and soft. / The machines all failed, and the agents were disgusted, as they watched j boatswain’s nips ” disappearing in ra,pid succession down Mr Badham’s throat. He was in great form—he haid a good part of the paddock cut for him; he had a good lining of whiskey in him, and he had his joke. Niow I say the man who could play suWh practical tricks as these on unbffending machine agents is not it to (live. lam satisfied he must die, but th<at it will not be on a feather bed. ’

I The editor ot thi's paper and myself have made up oxur differences over 1 some Ballyhooly hemoßade, and now he has asked me Joo write something about Federation. Pie says that while nobody reads |his own articles everyone reads min|e» and consequently he wishes me to ( warn people againt it. We are already federated enough. Great Britaiia and her colonies are bound together by bonds stronger than legislative enactments—the bonds of £ a. d. j No bonds are stronger than these. | It pays us to be friendly with England. She lends us money and eats ejur mutton, and we have no desire to separate from her. There is not a scimtilla of disloyalty in all Australia, and I think the best thing we can do Rs to “leave well alone,” So far as Australians are concerned, they will rlagret it if they federate. What England wants is this; We have Pr«teeydve duties in almost all the she does not like it. She wants Ifto have me power of abolishing Protective duties, and thus kill our industries) so that she may supply us with jjgoods. Under certain conditions Australians could agree to abolish duties aslregards England. Let England pay ass high wages and work as few hours a$ we do j let her pqt oil Protective diuties against the world and allow oui goods in free; let her guarantee bar dohts ? and thus obtain us at 3 per cent., and we shall sign tnd compact forthwith. But if we are to have no advantage over the Eussiau or the Turk in the London market, there ijs no reason why we' should lot English goods into our colonies to prevent the development of our resources. Put in a nutshell, Federation is a scheme having for its object the crushing out of our industries, the sliding 0 £ Eadicalism, and the buildiqg up Q f monopolies. The great objection there is to granting Home Buie to Ireland is the fear that sh(3 would foster her own industries by uieans of Protection. Let this be understood : Federation with Australia op England is undemocratic, and it would, lead to

misery first and rebellion Let us remain free now that we are free. Com O’Lanus, K.C.M.G,