The Tumeka Leader THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 1889. THE WAYS OF THE WORLD.

Temuka Leader, Issue 1969, 14 November 1889, Page 2

The Tumeka Leader THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 1889. THE WAYS OF THE WORLD.

There was trouble in the office of this paper shortly after the arrival of the last train last Saturday evening. By that train I reached Temuka, and proceeded at once to the office, where I found the Editor kneedeep in an article on the iniquities of Sir Harry Atkinson. I asked him calmly and quietly why he had falsely and wickedly libelled me recently, by stating in reply to the inquiries of a kind friend thatEichard Pigott and myself were one and the same person, and that I had killed myself in Spain, He replied that he meant it as a joke. T replied that I appreciated such jokes in a peculiar way, and as quick as lightning I horizontalised his perpendicularity. It is needless to dwell on what was to the Editor a painful interview. Suffice it to say that in less than “ two twos ” the floor of the office was strewn with blood, hair, finger nails, and false teeth. The Editor is now in the hospital, and I have taken sole charge.

As regards my absence from home it is easily explained, I went to London to assist Sir Charles Bussell in the Parnell Commission trial, and I wrote the great speech which he delivered. Then the visit of the Shah of Persia monopolised a good deal of my time. Everyone of course knows that the Irish people came originally from Persia three or four thousand years ago, and that old families like mine have ever since kept themselves in touch with the Persian Court. When the Shah was leaving Home, he looked up his old records and found that I was the nearest blood relation he had in the United Kingdom—l being his cousin three or four thousand times removed. He therefore telegraphed that he hoped he would have the pleasure of smoking a cigarette with me, and of course I could not refuse him. The fact is, I did not want to refuse; the job was just into my hand, and I am glad to say I was of service to him. I introduced him to Her Majesty the Queen, to Albert Edward Prince of Wales, and other notables, including Sir Julius Yogel,

Talking of Sir Julius Togel reminds me that he has now a good thing on in the Taranaki Petroleum. This enterprise does credit to his head as 'well as. to hie heart, and shows the keen interest he still feels in the wellbeing of New Zealand. How he came to think of this scheme is as follows: —A crazy astronomer discovered recently that in three or four millions of years from now the sun will become extinct, and that this world will henceforward be left in total darkness. Sir Juliua’s first thought was of New Zealand, so he decided on developing the petroleum oil springs of Taranaki in order to have lighting material ready when the sun’s illuminating powers fail. This will show New Zealanders the interest Sir Julius still feels in their wellbeing. He is thus making provision for their comfort three or four millions of years in advance.

I came to know the Prince of Wales while on a visit to him in company with the Shah better than ever I knew him before. It was a case of in vino veritas. One evening himself, the f'hah, and I, after the others had retired, played a three-handed game ©f euchre, and after the Sljah got stonebroke jye h&4 a nip. The Shah being

down in his luck, went to bed, leaving the Prince and myself enjoying a quiet chat together. Ife happened that on that day I received a copy of Hansard from New Zealand. In this appeared the speech delivered in parliament by R- M. Taylor, Esq., M.H.R. for Sydenham, in which he congratulated the Prince of Wales on being a Socialist. After we had laughed a good deal over Mr Taylor’s congratulations I thought I would draw the Prince a bit, so I asked bin* was he really a Socialist. 1 “ Well,” said he, “ I am and I am hot. I believe in it, and I don’t believe in it. I hope you understand me.’’ “Perfectly, Albert Edward,” I said. I always call him Albert Edward since we were schoolboys together, and he always calls me Oori. Of course, on State occasions, when in the presence of Her Majesty, I address him as “Your Eoyal Highness,” and headdresses me as “my esteemed friend. Sir Oori O’Lanus,” but in private life we are only Albert Edward and Oori to each other. “ Perfectly, Albert Edward,” I said, “ perfectly.” “ Well, then,” he continued, “ it is this way. I should like all the world to he socialistic, and I to be its king.” “ There is no reason why you should not be, Albert Edward,” I said. “ That is exactly what I am aiming at,” he continued, “I see plainly that this rascally capitalistic age is played out. It cannot last long. We had slavery, and it died; we had serfdom, and it died; we now have individualism, and i the death rattles are in its throat. There must he a more equal distribution of the good things of this earth; men must not continue to die of starvation .while others hoard millions. I see all this, and I see that a change is imminent, and, as there is nothing like taking time by the forelock, I mean to be in the front ranks of the reformers. Eulers will he necessary under the altered circumstances, and if I take the lead now, and exhibit sympathy with the suffering poor, I shall stand the best chance of becoming their king when the change takes place.” “ Albert Edward,” I said, as I looked with admiration into his broad, honest, good-natured face, “ Albert Edward, you are fitted to he a king; your clear-sighted sagacity is only equalled by your benevolence. You shall be king, and remember .that Sir Oori O’Lanus, K.C.M.G., says so, 1 but may I ask your private opinion on Home Rule.” He smiled one of his sunniest and kindliest smiles as he said, “ My private opinion is exactly the same as my public opinion. You will find when the question comes before the House of Lords, I shall vote for it. Why should I not ? The Irish have been more loyal to the Kings of England than the English themselves, If there was a rebellion to-morrew I believe the Irish would be the last to desert from the Royal Standard. &ee what happened in Parliament a few nights ago. When Her Majesty asked the House to make provision for my children, the Radicals of England opposed her wishes, but my brave Irish friends rallied round me. You see aow, Oori, what I have gained by being Liberal. I have always favoured Home Rule, the Irish members know it, and out of gratitude they voted for the Royal grants. Ask me am I a Home Ruler, I would go to live altogether in Ireland if I could. “Albert Edward put it there,” I said, and he did, and we emptied the bottle before we went to bed.

This is how I spent part of my time while absent from home, and my dear friends will now see that there is nothing of Richard Pigott about me. He was a liar, but no one can say that of me. During my absence, however, a casualty overtook me, which nearly terminated my existence, while staying at the Prince, of Wales’ house, A. parachutist was hired to amuse the Shah. 'He got " his paraphernalia together ; blit perhaps I ought to describe it. The paraphernalia consists of a balloon, from which hangs a crossbar, on which the parachutist sits. When the balloon rises to a certain' height the parachutist lets himself fall off; he expands his parachute, which is something like an umbrella, and he falls down gently like a kite, while the balloon goes on heavenwards. I was examining the arrangements of the balloon when I heard someone crying out, “ Let go!” I turned to run, but too Ute. One of the hooks of the balloon fastened on to a certain part of my clothing, arid’in a jiffy I was, as Moore says, leaving “dull earth behind me.” To make short my story, that balloon never let go of me until it landed me safe and snug in the moon, and there I have been ever since. On some future occasion I may give some account of life in the moon, but as I must fun the show until the editor comes out of; the hospital I shall be otherwise engaged for some time.

In a letter which appeared in last Saturday morning’s issue a Geraldine “ Ratepayer ” complained of a certain nuisance created in order to force rhubarb to grow, and stated that a letter forwarded to the board in reference to it was left unnoticed by the reporters. The “ Ratepayer ” wants to know what can be done in the matter. Well, now, I am sorry the editor is not at home, because I don’t like to tackle this subject. Shakespeare said something about an offence which “ smells rank to heaven,” and I would not be surprised to fjnd bp this in hia minc|.’« J W

afraid my education in the way of rank-smelling nuisances, has been neglected, hut I must wrestle with it somehow. The way the “Ratepayer” ought to go to work is: Erst, get the member for the district to cause the PostmasterGeneral to see whether the letter has been delivered. If it has not, the Postmaster-General must be sacked at once. If it has been delivered, then the next thing is to find out whether the clerk submitted it to the board, i If it went so far it was the. duty of the reporters to have reported it, and if I find the reporter of this paper has neglected his duty I shall fine him, and I shall invest the fine in whiskey. As I am, while acting as editor, responsible for the actions of the reporter I shall try to make amends by constituting myself a deputation to interview the hoard, and, fortified by the whiskey, I shall force a discussion on the subject that will knock the force used in growing rhubarb into a cocked hat. The chairman of the Town Board is a clever talker, but if Ic an stow in sufficient whiskey to produce steam pressure of, say, 301 b to the square inch, you may rely on it I shall lick him hands down.... ■

As regards the rhubarb, the means employed to force its growth are altogether wrong. lam an authority on this subject, having been liberally educated in the art. The best way to grow rhubard is to graft the young plants on onion bulbs. In this way the land yields a double crop—rhubarb ahoye and onions below. Goal O’Lxnus, K.O.M.G,