THE WAYS OF THE WORLD.

Temuka Leader, Issue 1737, 15 May 1888, Page 2

THE WAYS OF THE WORLD.

Mr t. T. Matßon, the eminent Christchurch auctioneer, who once said that "We (people of Canterbury) must have the West Coast railway or burst" has for Home time past been maturing a scheme for removing depression and making ua all rich. This scheme he recently unfolded to me, and asked my advicu on it, and of course I eaw at once that it was " immuns:'." His theory is that our indebtedness has got too robustic for us, and that unless we do something to relieve ourselves of its crushing weight we shall soon sink so deep in it that even our crediwill not beable to find us. And still we shall fsel i's crushing pressure the deeper we ei'ik. We cannot " file " because our judges, cfficiftl assignees, members of Parliament, and other officials, aro all in the swim. Wo would huve no judge to adjudicate in the case, bocauHo our judges could not hit in a ca>o in which they themselves were interested. It would not do to hand over thp estate to an official assignee who was a$ deeply involved in the swindle as motbtr. Thus we would have no machinery, for, as Mr Mat son would say, our maohicory would have " bnrated" in the general exp'osion. " Filing" is therefore oul of the quostiou, "liquidation'' womd probibly lenve us all penniless, and that would not suit, while it is veiy doubtful whether our creditors would accept one halfpenny less than 20-> in the £. The ooly course, therefor*, left is to realise on 'he estate, pay off our creditors, and start afresh with all that i« left to ris. That, Mr Matson thinksi is the only course possible, and consequently his scheme is to sell the whole colony in one lot. No tinkering, no tiddliwinking subdividing, no "lots to suit purchasers" ; he proposes.to knock down the whole colony at one single blow. The first qiicsiion this asloundiogiiwe-inspiring proposal suggests is, Where would the purchasers come from. Mr Matson has it all cot and dried. The bidders would be few but se'ec', and their p.n.'s could easily be discounted. Russia,-Germany, Italy, Fmncß, and Austria-,, are anxious to extend their territories. He would •idvcrtise the bu-c of the whole colony (subj-tct toils existing mortgiigneß) all ov«r "the world, mid these countries would send their representatives, while it is probab'e that China and some of the smaller states would look in just to take stock of the state of the market. He is of opinion also that Brother Jonathan wou'd have a sny in th« " biggest thing ou earth " in the way of » sale, und probably trot the bidders up pretty high. England would assist us by running the others, aud when all the Powers of the earth were thus pitted against each other he is convinced, and so am I, that with the aid of a jud ; eious distribution of refreshments the bilding would bo spirited. England would not be a purchaser, for she would be glad to get her own, and the higher bidding would lay between Russia ani Gernviny, unless " the biggest thing on eanh" took the fancy of Brothrr Jonathan. His reserve price is £500,000,000, and he believes his hammer wou'd fall to a bid nearly doublo that amount, The next question then is: What would we do ? If Rus.si'i, or Germany, or any rice or rat-eating peopl« bought the «:olony would we stay here ? Oeriainly not. We wou'd purchase stetMJrs, go over to New Guinea, and there become the money-lenders of the world; In magnitude, and Btupendousnofis this ptoposil beats even the wildest, dremis of the immortal Barnum. The eye hath not aeou nor the mind conceived aoytlnog Ilk: it, and you may say thai 1, realising its great advautngea, registered my narao as the first ou the list of consenting parties. I hive he>rd oiuca lhat the Bunk of New Zsaland is de'ightod with the propo-al, and signed next to me, so I think now that tho inut'er is as good as set tied. God sp°ed thi-e, J. T. M.

Tiie following communication has reached mo by a special messenger, the writer, in conformity with retrenchment •principle*, having decided on saving {.oetiige: " To the Right Hono able Sir Cori l/L.nus, K.O.M.G. "Dear Sir Cori,—ls it possible th»t thing are maturing in such a nice w-iy id Winchester? Cati it be that such things are going on under the tip of no) very nose ? Please send me particulars at once. I must attend to these matters. They must not laugh at my beard and s*t my authority at detianca liko that.Yours truly, "Tims Pkacemakeb." To this I have replied aB follows: " To tho Honorable the Peacemaker of Jiangita'ta. " Most Potout and Dreaded Sir,—Sines the glorious days when tho illustrious Quixote employed his mighty arm in adjusting wrongs, aud punishing evildoers, knighterruocy has been a lost art, and rascals have died in beds. Moved by sy,rripathy for suffering humanity, and anxious to alleviate the condition of professional gaol-birds, thy. mighiy j heart, overflowing with a superabundance of (he milk of human kindness, has leaped like a caged lion in thy manly bosom, to supply tho long-felt vaut. In obedience to tho promptings of that lion heart thou h.ist come forth, great aud unwashed, in all the glory of thy proud position of final arbiter in social disputes, and thy prowess an J deeds of vi.lor have already knocked the memory of boo Quixote into a cocked hat. Remember, therefore, most dreaded Sir, the position you boLt; remember that chivalry is inherent in greatness, and that to temper justice with mercy must bespeak thee truly worthy of the most magnificent mantle of the roost illustrious of tby predecessors. It is with fear and trembling lapproach thee withthesesuggesI tious, but as I have unwittingly been the ciuse of directing thino attention to Winchester, I feel that it is my du»y to intercede with thee to postpone operations, even nt the risk of my own neck. Bs patient, great sir. Things are mending. There is " a coming-together " feeling growing up amongst them j they have been drinkiDg together lately, and trying to make each other drunk, so that the sober party might be able to do business while the other slept. ThingH are going on nicely, bo please don't spoil fun.— Yours, truly, "Gobi O'Lanps, K.C.M.G." Now that ought to rrollify the Peacemaker. Somebody has said that one drop of oil has greater conciliating powers than a wholu oceau of vinegar, and I have consequently oiled tho Po»3oinaker in the I hope that he will not operate just y«t. I

The following has beau handed to me j by the junior devil of the establishment : " Dear Sir Oori,—L should be for ever your debtor if you would throw the halo of your greatness over the enclosed poetry. The object I have in wishing it to be published is this:—l consider the Board of Education behaved viciously in not making an appointment of some kind or another tvhen the majority of the committee made a recommendation. The result of having sneaked out of doing their duty in such a wriggling unmanly way was that the subject has since been agitating the public mind in Winchester, and causing bad feeliug to spring up there. Had the Board done their duty in the first instance the whole thing would have been forgotten long ago, but in keeping the matter hanging in tbia way they have kept bad blood circulating freely. I am told that music hath charms to loothe the savage breast, and that poetry has a refining, quieting, and elevating influence. 1 think there is no belter way of putiing down bad blood of this kind than by making fun of it, and by showing what a little matter the whole thing is.—Yours, truly, •'Junior Devil."

At Winchester the Committee met To elect a teacher gay, But they couldn't, agree tosavo their lives For they weren't built that way.

And tho Chairman read, and the Chairman paused, And the Secrot'ry did my : "We shan't acjupt the McCarthy More, For bo's not built our way."

And the Bishop rose and gravely said : "Repent ye qf what of you say ! We W-m.t a teacher good, and be it understood, ■ That McCarthy's built that way."

And they argued so till the Bishop rose And moved to have his wiy, And they voted, two to one, that McCarthy was the man, For they were built that way. And the Secret')y, and the Chairman too, Resigned on that huoim day ; They said they wouldn't,'be in a minority, for they weren't built that way, And the ftecret'ry, and the Chairman too, Appealed to the massed sway.; Tho masses said "No. You'resigned, anc now You fire not built our way." And the multitude met, and soon did get, As thnir great leader g-iy, Riji Vim Winkle, after ]2yearb* sleep, For he was built that way.

And the voting very plain, to their great pain, Showed the Bishop had it all his way, But Rip a letter writ, saying Northnm isn't fit, For his house isn't built that W'ty.

And the Board soon sat in solemn conclave, And to Jispsr Swythe did say : " Gn Northam's g iy abode plsaso go than and report, And see is it built tbnt way." My Btory iR told, but the shepherd'- of the fold Hud a narrow escape th*y say, They put whiskey inhiß ten to render him tipsy, But he wasn't bnilt that way. There is a production of which anyone might be prcud. That will show the tnliuit covered by the roof of this oflioe: There is sense and fun and poetry rolled up there, and so sure as there in a bill on a crow that boy will come to som--thin</, I have not the slightest dcubl but thai he will yet rise to the dignfied position of a Chairman of a Pchool Committee. Com O'Lanus, K.O.M.G.