THE WAYS OF THE WORLD.

Temuka Leader, Issue 1586, 24 May 1887, Page 2

THE WAYS OF THE WORLD.

It is no use in beeping matters a dead seeret any longer. I have received the following : Cablegram Wo 1 — To Cori O'Lanus, Esq. Her Majesty having read your poetry sb reviewed by the Supreme Court, and several of your other clever articles, desires to confer on you the honor of Knighthood. Please reply by cable. Ibakqis Dilloh Bblii, Agent General, Westminister Chambers, London. Eeply— To Sir F. D. Bell, K.C.M.G. I have all through life paid as many of my debts as I could ; I have never been locked up for drunkenness; I have uever openly converted to my own use what belonged to others; I have not. been convicted of a felony ; in fact, my conduct has been as near that of an honest man as it is possible for the conduct of a colonial to be, and I do not see why I should be asked to bear the burden of knighthood. Please inform Her Majesty tbat I must d«chno Knighthood on the above ground. Cobi O'Lanus, Cablegram No. 2 To Cori O'Lanus, Esq. Her Majesty vould feel insulted. She will suspect you of disloyalty if you refuse. She never forgives any one who refuses any of her birthday gifts,' The Knighthood has

been conferred on you, nor. for any of the reasons mentioned, but beoause Lord Tennyson is getting old, and she knows no one better able to fill the billet than yourself. F. D. Bull. My ReplyTo Sir F. D. Bell, Agent-General. There is money in it then. I will accept. By-the-bye that was a terrible doggrel Tennyson wrote as a Jubilee Ode. Jive Her Majesty a hint that it ia time to superannuate him, and let me start at once. Com O'LANtra. Cablegram No. 3 To Sir Con O'Lanus, KO.M.G. Congratulate you. Her Majesty is highly pleased, but Tannyson would not budge an inch. You know that be gets a tierce of canary wine every year as a perquisite, and be likes it so much that ha means to stick to it while he lives. F. D. Bell. Now that is how I have beeu fooled into accepting knighthood, Ever since Lord Tennyson wrote the line " Be stood in the oold in the wet" I haye had a down on him. I have not read any more of his poetry, but I know it is bad, and consequently I bav* ever since been trying to turn him out of office. I thought that by accepting kuighthood 1 could oust him from the position ha has so long usurped, but the old sinner still slicks to it for the sake of the wine. I will now have to carry the brand of knighthood, and I suppose I shall have to associate with the other colonial knights. It is very hard. Tennyson's Jubilee Ode ought to get him the sack. The theme was a great one, but the poetry (?) does not rise to the level of good prose ; the language is anpoetic, and the ideas are extremely , commonplace. Probably Mr J. 8. Beswick, R.M., will in future take a little more notice of the scraps of advice I occasionally give him, and make an effort to avoid falling into such blunders as he has so frequently fallen into lately. It was rather rough on him to have two of his judgments set aside without hesitation by the District Court in one day last week, more especially as his blunders were of the most inexcusable kind. He ought by this timi to know what is larceny and what it is not. Judge Broad told Mr Tostswtll when that legal luminary proceeded to defin* larceny that it was unnecessary for him to do so. " The definition of larceny," said His Honor, "is what every lawyer must knovt beforb he can pass his examination, and I wou'd uot be fit to sit ou this Bench if I did not know it." Thus the judge made it plain that anyone who has learned the mere ABC of law ought to know what constitutes larceny, and therefore to blunder in such simple points arguns a lack of knowledge which goes very near to that degree of incapacity which is called incompetency. With regard to the " Poteen Whiskey " case, Mr Beswick ought to have known by this time he had no power to mulct the defendant in costs as well as a fine, but it is said that man is always learning something, and perhaps Mr Beswick will yet learn these things. At any rate Ido not like to be hard on him ; there is no pleasure in throwing water on a drowned rat. It was a serious matter for Mr Velvin to have been branded as a common thief through Mr Beswick's inacquainunce with the law, certainly, but no matter. I think, however, this paper ought to get credit for having fairly and temperately shown that the verdict was wrong. Before any notice of appeal was given at all this paper laid down the law exactly on the same lines as Judge. Broad did, and ought to get credit for having anticipated the judgment of the District Court. And now those J.P.'s who frequently have had ill-natured things to say against this paper because of finding fault with the Resident Magistrate might as well let it alone. They have been frequently spared, and though it is said that good done is never lost, even if done to » dog, it has often been lost on them, Verbwn sat sapienti. Th >t " Poteen Whiskey " case has brought back recollections of my native land, and made me feel awfully sentimental, There are subjects which always touch the poetic chord in my nature, and this is one of them, and the following is the melody which the said chord gave forth : Poteen Whiskey. Farewell to the banks of the Maine, Where sorrow nor grief never darken, The brow of each jovial young swain, While with the'fair colleens he'* hrkin'. Farewell to the wilds ofKnockduve ; Farewell to the fair of Duniskey ; But a thousand farewells to my love—'lis a bumper of sweet potesn whiskey. Then let us be merry and gay, A dolt he's who could nob feel frisky, And pledge the dear land far away, In a bumper of sweet poteen whiskey. With Murphy, McFinn, and McQuaid, I have spent maDy weeks at Peg Pinehea, And great was the noise that we made While hammering the heade of the Lynnhes j That wasn't one third of the fun, But courting young Kitie Comiskey, Whose rosy cheeks blushed like the sun, As she drank of our sweet poteen whiskey. Then let us, etc I Poteen is tbe drink of the gods, They get it direct from Kilhrney ; To loosen tha tongue, by long odds, It beats twenty kisses of Blimey. When Paris, on Ida's fair hill, Bestowed the gold apple on Vfnus, She said " Let us start here a still, And have poteen whiskey betwoen us." Then let us, etc. Sir Julius, great Z.0.M.G., Prove now a wise Legislator, Tax coffee, sheepwash, or weak tea, But spare us! Oh! Spare us the craitur, And I pledge my honor you need Never fear that your billot is risky, If by any means you succeed To get Stout, to imbibe poteen whiskey. Then let us, etc.

Ob, bless you, kind District, Broad, Who (Squashed Beswick's verdict to pieces j Who would not the Customs defraud, As bis goblet, of poteen decreases ? May you live till you die, Mr Hay, You have made the Matthews' feel frisky; 'lwfts Bacchuß inspired you, they say, But I thiDk 'twas sweet poteen whiskey. Then let u», etc I find that sevr-ral newspapers have been copying my articles ' without acknowleuging them. A party who calls himself Lounger, and who contributes to the Wanganui Herald, has sinned in this piratical way. Mr Lounger has not scrupled to take one of my b»st items, and unblushingly place it to his own credit. I consider this is literary larceny. Who steals my purse steals trash, but who steals my brains steals that which enricheth not him and leavep ran as brainless as a member of Parliament, Don't do it again Mr Lounger, please, Honor amongst, ahem ! Talking about members of Parliament, that was a rather nasty little bit of a.yarn the Lyttelton Times circulated nbout the gr?at Mr Garrick, M.H.lt. for St, Albans. Mr Garrick has supported the Government all along, bat since he went to Wellington this time the Oppositionists have whispering swuet things in his ears, and apparently he has succumbed to their blandishments. They told him he was a great man ; that they wanted an AttorneyGeneral in the new Ministry, and that if he forsook Sir R, Stout they would give him the Attorney-Genera ship, rifl agred like a man, and prepared to move at once a motion of no confidence in the Government,, fie bethought himself, however ; he remembered that i> was necessary to consult his partner, Mr Oowlishaw, as to whether he coulJ accept office ; he telpgraphed to Christchurch, and received a reply that his pnrtnpr cou'd not think of such a thing. Mr iJarriuk collapsed, and refused to ■move a no-confidence motion. Of such stuff legislators ar« made, Th« 'nconveDience of carrying the burdel) of Knighthood husbeenmodefipparent by a little episode which occurred in the lobby of th" House of Representatives last week. For years Sir John Hall Bnd Sir George Grey hive not spoken ; they fell out ovm- some political matters, and never fell in ag\in. After a long absence from the colony dir John Hall has now returned, and has taken into his head tint it would be a nice thing to get back to tho billet of Premier. Te gain the coveted position he went, to Wellington with the view of making friends all round, and in pursuance of that policy mad* aft attempt to renew acquaintance with Sir George. T n company with, the Hon. Robert Campbell he met Sir George in the lobby, and made a dive to get hold of his hand, and asked him to " let bygones he by-gones." But Sir George wasn't on. He drew back his band, gave the Knight of the Gridiron one long withering look, and wa'ked away. In giving the correspondent of the Lyttelton Times an account of the offair Sir George says that Sir Joliu'ti gridironing is indefensible. He evidently thinks Sir John not clean etoough as a politician. Now that is what will happen to ma someday. Soma of these Gridironing Knights will want to claim acquaintance with me, and I shall be driven to the disagreeable task of snubbing them. There is one thing I would advise food mammas to do, though : and it is to call their sous nice names. It is quite possible every one of them ma) be knighted some day, and it is so handy to have a nice euphonious nam9 to which the prefix " Sir " can be nffixid without danger to the j»ws of the person tryiog to pronounce it. Bear this in mind mothers of the rising generation; give your embryo knights nic-* names, and b 3 prepared for any emergency. An unusual and exciting hare hunt wad witnessed in Temuka yesterday afternoon about 4 p.m. Mr L. A. Thruston was passing down the street, and as he reached tho Temuka Hotel he noticed a hare coming along tho footpath at full pace. Mr Thruston set about getting on terms of intimacy with the hare, but little puss showed no disposition to allow any such familiarity, and after one or two turns dived into the hotel. Mr Thruston followed and nearly caught her, but after making one or two attempts to go up stairs she doubled round and ran along the passage to the back door, through which she passed without saying even good day. Mr Thruston continued the chase down the back yard at a rate of speed that would put Joha Gilpin, Turn O'Shanler, and others to the blusli, believing that little puss would get ontangled in the gate. It was labor in vain, for she managed to scrape through just a« he was getting close on her bee's. The chase soon collected a good crowd, and amongst them a couple of cleanshaved strapping young fellows who said the hare was their property. One of them said they had been catchioK hares with nets for the Plumpton Park, Invercargill, that they got 8s apiece for them, that they were giving up now, and that this was tho last one caught and the only one in their possession. She was confined in a box at the back of Mr Williams' shop and it was from this she escaped. No one disputed their property in the hare, which by this time had put some distance between herself and her owners. When she gees back home she will be able tell some tall stories of her town experience, and her visit to a hotel. She no doubt by this time realises the meaning of the words " there is many a slip bet ween the cup and the lip." Com O'Lands.