THE WAYS OF THE WORLD.

Temuka Leader, Issue 1255, 21 October 1884, Page 2

THE WAYS OF THE WORLD.

That was a wonderful incident which occurred in Timaru a few days ago. A man was let out of the police cells at 12 o’clock noon with one shilling in his pocket, and at 2.30 p.m. he was brought back terribly drunk, yet when searched his pockets were found to contain sixpence, The natural conclusion is that he had spent half his fortune in two and Arhalf hours on drink.

He must hare been easily made drunk. I have no information as to what it would take to make him sober. I once knew a man who always required a gallon of whiskey to make him sober, but whether the Timaru toper would require so much as that is still a moot question. I have only very scant information : that is, he left with a shilling and returned drunk with a sixpence. I have heard of one man who got drunk on less. When Father Matthew started the temperance movement in Cork, amongst his converts was a ShandonStreet cobbler known by the name of Molly Blaine, but somehow the convert appeared frequently at the meetings in a state that impressed people with a suspicion of his sincerity. When brought to task be protested bis innocence, and said he was so easily made drunk that to bear the orators talking of the evils of intemperance used to reduce him to a state of inebriation. After this when any of the temperance brethren met him they never spoke of drink, except to the extent of asking, “ Well, Molly, how doss cold water taste ?”

Everyone believed Molly Blaine's story, and of courie everyone will believe also the mysterious experiences of our legislators in Wellington. A few nights ago Mr Pyke brought under the notice of the House the extraordinary difficulties which Hon. members experienced in reaching their virtuous couches on dark nights after leaving the House. The discussion which ensued elicited the extraordinary information that lamp posts stand in the middle of the footpaths in the night time, and that the hon. member who escapes knockiag against them is very lucky. Really, it is a most extraordinary thing that these lamp posts go on to the middle of the footpaths. It strikes me that the way in which the brains of hon. members must be disturbed by nightly collisions with these peripatetic lamp posts must have something to do with the reckless character of the laws they have been passing this sesiion.

I can swallow a good deal of a certain kind, but I believe there must be some mistake about these Ismp posts. I do not think they ever move into the middle of the footpath ; but I believe that bon. members suffer under a hallucination that leads them to come to that conclusion. I am convinced that the members suffer from a disordered condition of their men tal faculties, brought on by a disease well-known to medical science called Duurilgleniivetiana. As I

wish that everyone should understand me, I will translate this from the Latin. It is a Latin medical ierra, the English equivalent of which is “ tbree-sheets-in-the-wind.” It is a disease not altogether peculiar to legislators, but they are very apt to suffer from it in such plentiful time, as those in which double honorariums accrue to them. Its effects are peculiar. Some people go quietly to sleep when suffering from it ; others become fightable ; others develops a taste for oratary ; and others become very mischievous, and would vote for the immediate cremation of their living mothers-in-law, or anything else that suited them. I believe it is the latter way it has effected hon. members this time. There is one way in which it affects humanity in general, however ; and that is everyone under its influence walks in a manner that describes the letter -n . Now supposing a Dunvilglenlivetiana patient was walking in the letter on. fashion, what is more natural than that in turning round the curve of the letter he should come a cropper against a lamp post ? This, I believe, explains the mystery, so that after all there is nothing supernatural about the Wellington lump posts.

There is a cure for the disease which has been discovered recently by an enterprising Yankee. This Yankee has opened a saloon, where men suffering from Dunvilglenlivetiana retire and undergo a certain kind of treatment, consisting of a Turkish and shower baths. The Turkish bath soothes .the patient into forgetfulness of the world’s anxieties: the cold shower bath awakens him to its terrible realities, and after unburdening his mmd of some profane sentences be becomes capable of walking straight. The cold-water-cure is undoubtedly the best. If hon. members establish a saloon of this kind in the lobby between the Legislative Chambers and Bellamy’s Bar, they will find the lamp posts will keep their own places. Com O’Lanus.