ALL SORTS.

Temuka Leader, Issue 1051, 4 January 1883, Page 1

ALL SORTS.

All sorts ot sleeves are admissable for ladies’ dresses, but the coat sleeve, round the waist, remains the favorite. Latest Cry.—The last Yankee cry is —‘ No English ! no Irish ! no Taxes ! no Government I no Babies! Know nothing !’

Fashion at a picnic demands that a girls should got wet sooner than hoist an umbrella that does not match her suit, ,f?ankey to Grenadier : ‘ Young man, 1 am a soldier—a soldier of Heaven,’ Grenadier : Tour’re a long way from your barracks anyhow.’ A bull dog becomes a cowed dog when he turns tail to the pointed dilemmas on the fore-nosed head of a mad bull that pursueth him. £ Is your house a warm one ?’ asked a man in search of a dwelling. *' It ought to he : the painter gave it two coats recently,’ was the reply. Barnum is going to England, and Great Britain is in an agony of doubt as to what he is after now. It is greatly feared that he intends to engage the Queen to ride Jumbo.

Another Great Performance. A young man in Boston is attempting the feat of going forty days without working. He says if his employers do not watch him he thinks he can do it.

A Michigan farmer writes to the Principal of Yale College; ‘ What are your terms for a dwelling ? And dees it cost anything extra if my son wants to learn to read and write as well as row a boat V

‘ There is nothing like settling down,’ said the retired merchant confideitly to his neighbor. ‘ When I gave up business I settled down, and found I had quite a comfortable fortune. If I had settled up I should not have had much.’ A patent medicine manufacturer has received the following testimonial ‘ Dear Sir—Your pills are the best I have ever seen. My wife’s mother is growing worse. Send me four more boxes.’

Slow —A quizzical editor in Arkansas, who rejoices in the rather quizzical name of Harry Hurry, says that truth is generally slow in its progress.’ Probably it is never in such a Hurry as he.

L kind-hearted woman moved to pity at ike spectacle of & poor man asking: for alms before her door, rushes out to him with some cold victuals, ‘Madame/ he replies, haughtily lettiug them fall on the pavement which she had just swept, *do not insult my manhood I I may be a beggar, but I am not in want.’ ‘ Ladies and gentlemen/ said the facetious Beau Nash, the then master of ceremonies for Bath, introducing a most lovely woman into the ballroom, ‘ this is Mrs Hobson. I have often heard of Hobson’s choice, but never had the pleasure to view it until now, and you must coincide with me that it reflects credit on his taste,’

A preacher, raising his eyes from his desk in the midst of his sermon, was paralysed with amazement to see his rude boy in the gallery pelting the hearers in the pews below with horsechestnuts. But while the good man was preparing a frown of reproof, the hopeful cried out— ‘ You ’tend to your preaching, daddy, I’ll keep ’em awake.’ A good and sufficient reason is what every man ought to have for his conduct. If we cannot have quite that, then let us have the uext thing to it, namely, a mason which is perfectly satisfactory to ourselves. For instance, ‘ Ckse up, boys ; close up !’ said a colonel to his regiment. ‘lf the enemy'' were to fire on you when your are straggling along that way they wouldn’t kill a single man of you. Close up.’ Fred, Flasher and Miss Florentia Flounce were discussing the mental power of controlling thought. Said Flasher —* 1 will give a pair of gloves if you can positively think of nothing for five minutes and still be awake.’ ‘ Done/ she responded. Five minutes passed, ‘ I’ve won the gloves !’ she exclaimed. ‘ How did you manage to think of nothing the whole five minutes?’ he asked eagerly. 1 fastened ray mind firmly on your moustache and kopt it there/ she replied, triumphantly. The referee awarded her tne gloves.

Mushroons are the latest fancy in

Parisian ornaments

How rapidly a man loses all interest in politics and national finance when he shuts the door on his own finger.

At a recent sale of relics in London a medal struck oil in ISCS brought 840 dels. Our readers missed a bonanza by not having a few medals struck oft' that year.

‘ Woman,’ says Mrs Eastman, ‘is a problem.’ So site is ; and though a problem we can never hope to solve, it is one we shall never, never be willing to give' up. .

Master : ‘ What does Condillac say about brutes in the scale of being.?’ Scholar : ‘He says a brute is an imperfect animal ’ * And what is a man?’ ‘ Man is a perfect brute.’

The most remarkable case on record is tuat of a Yankee soap man, who, in a violent storm at sea, saved himselt from death by taking a cake of his own soap and washing himself ashore.

Calico's wife goes out to work. The other day, as she reproached him for getting up late, he replied, ‘ Ah, madam, I sleep very slowly, aad I need in consequence much more time for repose than you.’

A hint is sometimes as good as a long speech. ‘Mr Foote,’ said a gentleman to that celebrated wit at a dinner party, ‘ your handkerchief is hanging out of your pocket.’ ‘ Thank you,’ was the mild reply ; ‘ you undoubtedly know the company better than I do*’ A joke is told of the Empress of Austria. The Empress went on a visit the Island of Zante, and on landing, up came the consul on his knees, quite in Eastern style, asking what might be tho giacious sovereign’s commands. The Empress smiled at the consul, and said quaintly, ‘ My ctmmands are that you get up and dust the knees of your breeches.’

Whilst staying at a small .farmhouse in a remote country village, I, one morning, waking from a fresh sleep, and thinking I should like a day’s lishing, asked the ‘ country yokel’ who waited on me to bring my shaving water ‘ What sort of a morning is it, Burgin?* Rubbing his forehead the rustic replied, ‘ Well, mas’r it be a better mormV nor it were last night,’--Sparna.

' It is the first time you ever repulsed me, Edith, and it shall be the last/ said young De Conrcey, as he rose haughtily and moved towards the door. ‘ Stay/ she cried piteously, as if her heart would break, ‘we must not part in anger.’ ‘ Well/ he rejoined penitently, ‘ what shall I do?’ ‘ Oh, Gus, don’t blame me/ she explained with a perceptible shiver, ‘my neck is very sensitive, I stood it as long as I could. Go and warm your nose, for your nose is so cold.’

Colonel Balcarres records a particularly neat reply made to George IV,, by a relative of his, Lady Jane Dalrymple. The King, when in Scotland, wore a kilt, and did not feel convinced that he looked well in it. Curtis, the author of the celebrated toast of ‘ the three K’s— King, Curtis, and .Country/ also wore a kilt (?) ancTTiis Majesty was certain that it was not a becoming costume, ‘ I hope I do not lock like that/ said he; ‘ at all events, my kilt is not so short.’ To which Lady Jane wittily replied, ‘As your Majesty slays so short a time in Scotland, the more wo s n e of you the better.’

The Seven wonders of a Young Lady —l. Keeping hc'r accounts in preference to an album. 2. Generously praising the attractions of that ‘ affected creature’ who always cuts hei out. 3. Not ridiculing the man she secretly prefers —nor quizzing what she secretly admires. 4. Not changing her ‘ dear, clear, friend’ quarterly—or her dress , three times a day. 5. Reading a novel without looking at the third; volume first ; or writing a letter without a postscript; or taking wine at dinner without saying the ‘ smallest drnjp in the world;’or singing without ‘shad cold or wearing shoes that were not a ‘mile too big for her,’ 6. feeing, a baby without immediately running to if and kissing it. 7. Carrying a large 1 ■ bouquet at an evening party, and omitting to ask ,:ier partner ‘ if he understands the larguage of flowers.’