THE WIDOW'S LOVERS.

Temuka Leader, Issue 1038, 2 December 1882, Page 1

THE WIDOW'S LOVERS.

[A Two-Act Comedy by J. M. Twomey ] (Continued ) Act T.

Scene ll—Front Street Scene. (Enter Coroner and Policemau from different sides.) Police—l beg jour pardon, sir, an inquest will be held at 2 o'clock Coroner—Will it ? Who will hold it 1

Police—You, sir Cokoner —I am not going to hold any inquest to-day, find another coroner somewhere Police—l can't, sir

Coroner—Very well, let it wait, you ' hear me. Be off. I can't be bothered to-daj' '•';■. Police—l guess the coroner ain't right, any how. (Exit) Coroner—That policeman is a sensible man, for if he had not Hc-nse to go away when I told him I do|not know what might have happen. lam just in the mood to do desperate things. Shakespear says that the lunatic, the lover, and the poet are of imagination all compact. I believe it. I know I ma mad, and have been so for the last six months, since Charley Wet! erby died, and left his beautiful wife a widow. Oh, how I love that woman, but I can never get an opportunity to tell her so I had a few opportunities in the beginning, but I threw them away thinking it would be too soon after the death of her hueband, and that I had time enough, but that scoundrel came fooling around her, and ever since, so sure as I meet my adorable angel, the cold-blooded assassin steps in and prevents me from relieving my aching heart of its tender load of love. Oh, how I thirst for the villain's blood ! What a fool I was to dally with the question in the beginning when I had an opportunity. Procrastination is positively the thief of time, especially in love matters because there is nothing- will disgust a woman so much as to keep her in doubt as to your intentions, especially when the woman is a widow. But what can I do? I can't ask her to marry me in the presence of another who has pretensions to her hand. Hallo ? Enter Barney, singing— Och, Kate, my jewel, To mt your'e cruel, And often too ill You lave me heart. In throtli I'm sighiu', And nearly dyin', Since I saw you eyein' Young Paddy Smart. I'm sad and lonely, For 'tis vou onlj (If I could own ye) Could bving me cheer. But if you won't, love, Well, why then don't love, And, by Mullinahone lore, I'll die this year. Speaks—Hallo ! there is the coroner lookiug as sad as his grandfather's ghost. God bless you, sir ; God bless you Coroner —What do yoo want ? Barney—l want you, sir Coroner (aside)—The vagabond wants me to hold an inquest on some friend of his maybe. It must be his mother-in-law or he would not be singing. Look here my gay and happy Hibernian if you don't skeddalel'U make you the subject for an inquest Baruey—Thank you, sir, I am much obliged to you. 11l be afthet goin' if you tell me where the auctioneer lives Coroner (aside)—Hallo ! What does he want with the auctioneer? I hope he is a bailiff. He lives three doors from the next corner. May I ask your business with him Barney—l want to give him this letter Coroner —'Tis her hand writing. What can it mean ? Will you show me the letter 1 Barney—Not for the world, sir, because that letter will make a man of me. It is a letter recommendin' me as a clerk to him. Good day, sir, I am much obliged to you. (Aside)—Begorra there is something in the coroner's head now, at any rate. Good day, sir Coroner —What can it mean ? There is a conspiracy somewhere. I swear that's her handwriting, and that fellow is a go-between. I'll see her this very day or perish in the attempt, and if that scoundrel crosses my path I'll—l'll kill him. (Exit.) Scene 111 -A Street Auction Sale. Auctioneer —Now, Barney, I have engaged you on the recommendation of Mrs Wetherby, and I hope you will prove wortny of the trust I am going to place in your hands. Barney—You may depind upon me, your honor. Auctioneer— I would not trust the position to many men, but as she recommended you 1 will give you atrial. Just stand here and watch that house yonder, until you see the coroner come out of it. Then ring the bell Barney—All right, your worship, I'll keep a sharp look out for him, (Auctioneer goes to the auction stand, and Barney continues) —By t'll the goals in Kerry this is the a-isiest job I ever had. It just suits me nately. I have nothin' to do, and I don't like to do any more Auctioneer —One dollar is bid for it, etc. (Bell rings. Auctioneer jumps off stand and asks excitedly) —Is he come out, Barney ? Is he come out 'I Barney—No, yourriverince, I was only practisin' Auctioneer— Oh. practising be hanged, man! "Sou will spoil my sale for me ! Don't ring again until you see the coroner come out. Now, mind that. (Goes back to sale.) A dollar is bid for it, etc. (Bell rings. Auctioneer runs to Barney)—ls he como out ?

Barney—No, your honor Auctioneer—And why did you ring I Barney -I only stirred and he began ringing himself Auctioneer You mustn't hold the bell that way! (catching bell.) Now,

don't let it ling again. (Goes back to sale) Barney—Well, 'tis as good for me to lot liim alone maybe, or lie might find me out. I want to keep this situation ; it suits me so noice Auctioneer One dollar is bid for this beautiful brooch, and, gentlemen, you won't get this chance again.' Oh, then, it is easily seen that ladies are scarce in Solomon's Flat. I'll knock it clown if there is no advance. One dollar—once—twice- going—going—go —. (Bell rings) Barney (ringing) The coroner jumped out through the window Auctioneer (jumping off stand) —Where ia be gone 1 In which direction 1 •■ Barney— That way ! (Aiictioticet'nms off, followed by the crowd at auction J Well, the widow must be purty convenient, anyhow. I'll go and see the inn ! (Laughs.) "Well, that beats eockfightiug, or Dounybrooke fair. (Exit) [Curtain drops]

Act 11. Scene I—- A Street,

Enter Widow Wetherby Where are they, I wonder ? Oh, here is the coroner coming from the right, and there is the auctioneer coming from the left ! Well, was there ever a poor woman so persecuted as I am ? Good morning, Mr Kyde, How do you do, Mr Phillips Auctioneer Excellent, thank yon, madam Coronkß—Never better in my life, thank you, madam Auctioneer—And bov arc you, Mrs Wet I) erby 1 Coroner—Your toothache better, Mrs Wetherby ? Auctioneer (aside)—What a stupid jackass to ask such a quesiiou "Widow—l am very well, indeed, Mr Phillips. My toothache is much better, Mr Hyce Auctioneer —Yeur corns : Are they better, Mrs Wetherby 1 Coroner (aside} —What an ignorant fool to ask such a question Widow—Sometimes they annoy me very much Coroner —I have discovered an excellent cure for corns, Mrs Wetherby. Dr Bluflendorf— Auctioneer— A cussed quack Coroner (aside) —You darned skunk. I'll crack your neck before morning Auctioneer This Dr Bluffendori's remedy is a fraud, and that I know from experience, but I am auctioning off a quantity of Holloway's ointments Coroner —The greatest imposture that was ever compounded Auctioneer (aside) —You black-livered ruffian. Don't heed our Mead, Mrs Wetherby, he is rather bitter against me for some reason Coroner —That's a lie Auctioneer (excitedly)—You cadaverous, cantankerous biped Widow (majestically) —Gentlemen, you forget you are in the society of a lady Coroner —That saves the scurvey headed curmudgeon. \Ve will have no more recriminations now, Mrs Wetherby, but j'ou will hear of a decrease in the population of this town befove morning Widow (aside)— I shall be glad of it, then I cau marry the man that lives. What is the meaning, Mr Hyde, of these terrible words ? Auctioneer-Nothing ma'am, I was just telling you of the excellent curative qualities of Holloway's ointments. There is no better cure on the face of the earth for corns. Shall I send you a ton of them te your house] Coroner—Will ycu give Dr Bluffeudorf's remedy a trial Mrs Wetherby? Shall I sead a"mule load of it to you ?

Widow—You are very kind. (Aside) Good gracious, these men are fools. I stand it any longer. If I remained here for a mouth neither of them would propose. Gentlemen, it is my time to return home. I will thank you for conducting me to my carriage Auctioneer ) Qf con Mrs Wetlierb Coroner ) Widow—Thank you, gentlemen, and now you will oblige me, Mr Hyde, by not sending your ton of Holloway's ointment tome,°andto Mr Phillips I say the same regarding your mule load of Dr Bluffetidorf's remedy. My reason for declining your generous offers is that I have not house roum enough for such large quantities Auctioneer ) I will build accommodaCoroner ) tion— Widow (aside)— There is no getting away from them. I can't offx-nd them, because they are the only eligible marrying men in tho township, though I daresay I won't get the chance of marrying either of tlieiu. If I don't I'll marry that Irishman who was afraid of losing his character through being locked up in a room with me. (To the coroner and auctioneer)—Well, gentleman. PUgo home and consider the matter. Good bye Auctioneer—Good bye, Mrs Wetherby (Shakes hands) Coroner —Good bye, Mrs Wetherby (Shakes bauds. Exit widow) Coroner (to auctioneer) -You potatofaced mule, what hankering have you after that woman !

Auctioneer —You filthy skunk, that's my answer. (Strikes coroner ; both tight. Enter crowd, crying out ' Into him, coronnr ;' ' Go it auctioneer;' ' Going—going—gone ;' *■ Hurrah !' Enter Barney—Tare an' ajers, is it a fight ! Hurrah ! I'm blue-moulded for the want of a bailin'. Who'll tight me ? Who'll fight me l (turning to the crowd.) Och ye spalpeens, ye must light ! Who'll tight"? (Crowd rushes off stage ; Baruey turns to Hie aucuoneer and coroner, who are still lighting. Well, by the sowl of me marthyred relations, but that's uate, anyhow. Hurrah for Dounybrooke failin America! Hurrah! (To auctioneer) —Ah, ttias's not fair ! Don't kick him when lie's down ! (lays hold of auctioneer) you mane varmint ; a biass pin would make me trim your jacket for you Auctioneer—Miud your own business Barney—Och, begorra, and sure I'm

doin' that same. It's an Irishman's business to mind the fightin' while its goin' on Auctioneer—What do you meau, you ruffian 1 Barney—What do I inane, is it? In throth I fancy that this kippeen (stick) is '.akin' a fancy tn your countenance, espiciallv when it hears you call me a ruffian. No a- take my advice, Mr Auctioneer, and go back toyour salens soon as you can, for this kippeen is in the hnhit of poundiu' people's hones into putty, and maybe I couldn't ki-'HM it from doin' so with yours if yon don't do what I tel] you Auctioneer—You ungrateful svretch, you. who;;i I have taken into my employment"— Barney—And I served you honestly ; and now go away for fear I'd be afther serving - you right Auctioneer (going out) You will never again enter my employment Barney—l'll be there to-morrow morning if it's plaisiu' to your honor. Don't fall out with your best friend. (Turning to the coroner who still remains on the ground)—Are you much hurted, Mr Coroner 1 Coroner—Yes, he kicked me in the abd men > Barney—Don't say amen yet, you have anotner half hour to live, and you ought to spend that cursin' the naiger f;r talciu' am me advantage of yon. Get up now Coroner—Oh, 1 am dying ! Every bone in my body is brt.ken Barney Now pick Vm up quick, or by the 'tarn;:l frost I'il brake the rest of 'em. (Lays hold of him ) Get up you cowardly blatherski e. Arrah. if I was fightin' I wou'.d not aive up until the last kick, and with that I'd try to kill him. There isn't a bit the mat lor with you. I ivant to talk to you for a little bit. What would you give the boy that would give you the chance of marry in' the widow- Wetherby 1 Coroner—What do you mean ? Barney—l mean what would you give the boy that would put you in the way of marryin' the widow Wetherby 1 Coroner—But there is the auctioneer in the way Barney—But supposin'he. was not in the way. Supposin' someone was dead before mornin' wouldn't you hold an inquest on bimj! Coroner —1 would give 300 dollars to anyone that would do it Barney—Begorra, thats purty good English anyhow, I'd kill the world, and blacken the eyes of my grandmother for that. Just give me the do. Jars Coroner —Do the work first Barney— Just give me the dollars, and if you are not married before a week tell me to give them back to you, (Aside )—And i:" you do yr>u won't get thorn Coroner—All right, here's the money Barney—That's business. Just now go home, and wash your face, and if you are wanted for any inquest be ready Coroner—l will. (Goes sway.) Goodbye Barney Barney—Now fly. (Alone.)—3oo dollers ; and 300 dollars from the widow. How much is that ? 600 dollars! Barney, my boy, you have managed nately. I'll just go to the auctioneer now. [To be Continued.]