THE WIDOW’S LOVERS.

Temuka Leader, Issue 1037, 30 November 1882, Page 1

THE WIDOW’S LOVERS.

[A Two-Act Comedy by J. M. Twomey Act I. Scene I— A Sitting Room. Enter Barney Bradey— God bless s here barrin’ the eat and the dog. Sorr a craitluir here at all at all. Is the peop in or out, I don’t know. The peop that owns this house must be very riel Ochone 1 I say one thing, and I say from the bottom of my heart, God he! the rich, the poor can take of themsel Well America is a quare place intirelj There 1 am for the last three weeks loot ingfor work, and always managing to g where I could not find it. The digger would give me work to go down under ground in a bucket. Oh, no, sir, says you don’t ketch Barney Bradey burryii himself in a bucket. I’ll wait until I di and be burned clans and dacent in coffin like my forefather before me Hallo ! Here is somebody coinin’. I’ be taken up for a tliief may be. I’ll g under the table. (Goes.) Enter Widow W ethbrby —Was ther ever a inore unfortunate poor woman tha 1 am. There; six months since m; husband died, and I am not married yet. Barney (Aside from under the table)Taro an ajers ! this craitluir is in trouble Widow— l’m sure it is not my fault. Barney— ln throth J believe you, nv da flint. Widow— Neither is it that I’m no loved. Barney —You may say that acushh while Barney Bradey is to the-fore. Widow —On the contrary. I have toi many lovers. Barney — Begorra, I have come to tin wrong shop again, same as I went to tin wrong shop looking for work. Widow -There is Mr Hyde, the anc tioneer, crazy in love with me, and then is Mr Phillips just as impatient if he only got the chance. Barney— Thin I think you have party little raison to complain, ma’am. Widow— But neither of them will givi the other the chance of speaking to mt for one minute alone. They are day and night watching each other, so that as soon as one of them takes my right hand, m.y left hand is sure to be seized by the other. Barney— What a moighty pity you haven’t a third hand until I’d have at it. s Widow —This sort of thing has been going on for the last six months since my poor husband died, and I am not a bit nearer Doing married yet. Oh ' Charlie, my dear dead husband, why did you die, why did you die. (Sits ou sofa and weeps,) Barney—Excuse him, ma’am, maybe be couldn’t help it Widow— lf I could get ten minutes alone with one of them, I’d settle the matter. He would be sure to propose and I would be certain to accept. But that will never be, that will never be, (Weeps.) Barney— Don’t say that clarlint, Barney Bradey never saw a faima'e in distress that he would not help, and by the piper that played before Moses I’ll help you alanna, for by my word I have a great pity for any clane dacent woman that any two spalpeens would be thraitin that way. I’ll put one of them out of the way while the other is poppin’ the question to you, my girl, or I’ll never again lay any claim to any of the blood of the Bradeys, I wish I could spaike to her, but if I spake to her now she might give me up for a thief may be. If I could, get out of here unbeknown to her I’d make a nice thing of dt now that I have her saicrets. Stop a minute. (Scrambles out through window at back of table) Widow (alone and weeping — What a wretched world this is to live in. One gets much trouble in getting a husband, and then he takes it into his head to die, and the trouble begins again to get another. I wish 1 had never been born to be tantalised like this. I will sell out and go into a convent where I shall never see a man again. Still I am afraid I’m not fit for a convent. I am sure it must be very dull there. It would suit me better to get married I think, if I could manage it, but it is such a bother. It is sickening to have to wait until a man proposes. I’ll stand it no longer. I’ve been six months now waiting for one of them to propose, and mean to give up all hope. I’ll go into a convent and end my life there, that’s what I’ll do. I’m resolved upon it Enter Servant Alice. — A gentleman wants to see you ma’am. AVidow. —It must be one of them ; there is no other body to call. Show him up, quick 1 run tell him ! run ! It must be either the auctioneer, or the coroner, and if one is inside the door before the other arrives, I’ll bolt the door, and stick to the first that cemes. (Goes behind door.) I’ll be here ready to bolt it as soon as ho comes in. Ha ! ha ! here he comes, running ; the other must be close on Ins heels. Make haste ! (Enter Barney ; widow slaps door out) There ! Barney (aside) —Begorra, she wants to make her own of me at once. She must be a lunatic, or if she isn’t she ought to be. I won’t let her see me a minute (turns his back.) Widow (aside)—'Which one of them is he, I wonder ? Barney (aside) —In throth, I don’t know myself, ma’am. Widow (aside)—lt does not matter. I’ll marry him. My dear six’, 1 am glad to see you, Barney— That’s kind of you, ma’am ; considering you never saw me before (turning around.) I am obligated to you for that same, ma'am. Widow- Oh ! (screams and faints on the couch.) Barney— Holy Moses ! What a hobble I’m getliu’ imo. Am 1 dim limin’, or am I alive at all, at all ! Maybe I'm dead, and by gor if 1 am 1 came to a quare place if all the women is as funny as tlm oneforuint me. I think I’m gvtim’ mail ; my brain is oozin’out through my foiehead. Yell, i’ll ihry whether I’m dead

or alive. I have a dhrop of the craithur hero, and if I’m dead this will put the life in me, and if I’m alive I’ll know the taste of it. (Drinks.) Be my soul I’m alive still, and it's not dhraimin’ I’m aither, while the craithur is there faintin’ her life out without one to look afther her. It won’t be said of Barney Bradey that he left any daeent craithur die for the want of a dhrop of whiskey. Hollo ! Begorra, she is fainted in aimest. Yerra, I thought it was one of those strong weaknesses that women gets came on her. Holy Moses ! I’ll be hanged tor murderin’ her maybe. What will Ido at all at all I don’t know. I wish I was back in ould li’eland this blessed minute. If I could get a dhrop of this (showing the bottle) inside her gdls she would be as lively as a hive of bees in one minute. v Here, clarlint. Ha, ha ! that moves her. There is more life in that (showing bottle) than a whole ocean of cold water. Here, alanna, take another taste of it

I Widow (waking)—Oh, where am L ? 0 What happened ? Barney—ln your own house, darlint, e and in the hands of a tinder-hearted 1 nurse f Widow—Who are you ? Barney—l’m Barney Bradey, ma’am ; the dacentest boy in Soloman’s Flat Widow—And what do you want with me ? Barney—l came to see you, ma’am, because I knew you wanted a husband (- Widow—You impudent fellow, how dare you talk like that to me 1 x Barney (aside) —It’s no use to spake for myself (To the widow) —Look here, 5 ma’am ; don’t get flustricatcd like that. I’m Barney Bradey, the cornplaitest , jaimis that the sun ever shone upon. I I need only look into any one’s face to see what’s goin’ on in his mind. I sue in your face that you’re in trouble, and 1 , came to assist you ’ ■ Widow (laughing)—The fellow’s head is turned. Why, I’m in no trouble Barney—Don’t say that now, ma’am. I know you are, and what’s more, I’ll tell , you what iv is. You are in love with two I I men, and you can’t get any of them to pop the question to you, because they won’t give aich other time. That’s her wake point. Widow (aside) —Goodness gracious. The fellow is a witch. How do you know that 1 Barney—flow do I know it is it ? Don’t I tell yon I know everything. I know which of them loves you most, and which of them will make the best husband Widow —Goodness gracious ! The fellow seems to know everything. I think I’d bett. r try him. He may be able to to assist me. (To Baruey)—Well, if you know so much, I suppose you know what I <im tl:inking of now Barney (aside)— Begorra, I’m caught now. [’ll venture it. (To Widow)—You are thinkin’ of Uiryin’ what I can do. (Aside)--I hope you won’t ask many more questions like that my mild woman, or you’ll put me out Widow— Goodncss gracious ! Well, I think I can trust you, and if you assist me I will make it worth your while. Here 1 now is 100 dollars for yon to begin with. Try and get me ten minutes alone with one of them, and if I get married I will give you 200 dollars more Barney—Ail right it is a bargin. Now, sit down and write a letter to the auctioneer recommindin’ me as a clerk to him Widow —I can’t recommend you. I don’t know you Barney—That’s nothing at all, don't say anything about knowin’ me ; just say you will be obliged to him if ho gives me the situation Widow —Indeed, I’ll nothing of the kind, I don't know but that you’re a fellow that would rob the mau Barney—Bob him is it. Y’erra do you know who you’re talking to. You are the only faimale of your sex that would say

that of a clane dacent boy like meself. Oh. Barney Bradey, Barney Bradey, if your clane dacent mother saw you now. I'll be afther going ma’am, you have taken a inane advantage of me. Widow —What do you mean ? Barney —What do I mane is it. Terra what would I mane but kiracthor. What would people say if they knew 1 was locked in here with a woman'! Widow (aside, laughing) Well, he must be very innocent to be afraid of losing his character though being locked in a room with a woman I think I may trust him, and write the letter for him. Well, and so you know that the auctioneer has a vacancy for you Barney -Don’t I tell you I know everyeverything, (Aside) —I know he will be glad to do you a favor my ould crocodile Widow —Well, then, I suppose it is the auctioneer who will marry me 1 Barney —Maybe tis, and maybe ’tisn’t. Sure you don’t care so as one of them marries you. What do you want hut a husband 1 (Aside) —Whichever of ’em pays me lest will marry you my old woman Widow —Very well, I’ll write the letter for you. (Writes) Barney —By the toe-nails of Moses, Barney Bradey, you’re a made man. This morning - 1 hadn’t a farthing to bless myself with, now by the power of my jainus

I have gel 300 dollars, and I’m going to be an auctioneer’s clerk. There is no fear but I’ll get it, and when Tin there I’ll, make my pile out of you my ould damsel Barney Bradey fires no blank cartridges Widow —This is what I have written Barney. ‘Dear sir—You would oblige mo by giving the bearer, Mr Barney Bradey, a situation as clerk in your office” Bakjtey— That will do naitly, ma’am. Thank yon, and if he has thc'gumption of a eocksparrow lie’ll see what my business is Widow —Oh, don’t let him know anytiling about it; Tliu fact is HauNev—Hie fact is m.t’-im you want !o | many him before he knows auyihing i about it. 'lou rctini d-went. too de!ic.it>*. • too tnuieriiearlcd to endure the nerve- '

trying hard-ships of love-making. I know what you’d like ma’am, you’d like to wake up some mormn’ ami find yourself manied without getting any troubled by it, but you know we can’t get such good things without a little trouble. But never mind, Mrs Wetherby, you will be married before a week if I had to marry you myself

Widow —You’re forgetting, Barney Barney—Be me soul, then, maybe you’re right, Mrs Wetherby, but if you just open the door I’ll be afther goin’ about mv business

Widow—All right, Barney. (Unlocks door) Eexit ßarney- -Good-bye, Mrs Wetherby Widow— Good bye Barney

Barney (in door) Good-bye, Mrs Wetherby, and good lack; and be me soul you have good luck, when you have Barney Bradey as } r our advance agent in the matrimonial business

Widow— Good bye, Burney, and remember i’ll make i.t worlli your while if yon succeed. (Alone)—Well that’s the most extraordinary character I ever met. (Laughs.) Just fancy that he was afraid of losing his character through being locked in here with me. I don’t think I’ll go into a convent for another while after that. I’ll just see whether he has gone. (Exit) [To be Continued.]