CAPITANO’S LETTER.

Temuka Leader, Issue 231, 3 February 1880, Page 2

CAPITANO’S LETTER.

Iloni soit qui mul 'y p nse.—P ov?rh, Play-goera have been complaining lately of the dearth of en.ertainments in Teinuka. Several wore disappointed because tho Variety Troupe did not perform in the Volunteer Hall as advertised, but they nad to postpone their cntertaii - ment for four weeks, in consequence ot the illness of one of their number. Now, I must be one of the favored individuals as I do nut complain or pine for dramas, eto. This is easily explained. lam in the habit of ■seeing a farce enacted thi’oe times a week at my barber's. I cany my physiognomy to him to hme the “ tonsorial ” performed upon it ihrice times a week. Upon entering the shaving department, the applicant for a “scrape” "s saluted with a “Good day, sir.” You then lake your seat (as is usual in barbers’ shops), and tnen have a towel placed round your throat. Then ymir face is lathered with soap and water, and then the razor is sharpened. Previous to shaving he (the barber) places his head alongside of his customer’s, and compitfces his “ physog.” with yours. Ono side of your face is at last sliav d, and then toe “ tensor ” discovers that Ins hair wants brushing back. Then the razor is sharpened again, and, if you are a politician, you will get up a discussion about Ted Wakefield. He talks political ! He flourishes his hands, bringing the razor into proximity to your face, and making you anxious about your life. He cools down for a minute, and again compares his face with yours, tnen puts a little oil on his (not his customer’s) hair, and par.s it down the middle. You have been in the chaw twenty minutes, and think it is time to be going, so you remind him that yon are getting “ full up ” of sitting in the rack. A ? ter a pi’eliminai./ flourish you again find yourself being tortured by having your face “skimmed.” After snaring, you have a miniature shower bath, a “ droo” of oil put on your head this time ; your hair parted down the middle, and, paying a “ bob,” you at last find yourself free. If any one wants to enjoy himself thoroughly he should go to my barber, who resides a hundred miles from Temuka. It is as good as any extravaganza to see him fooling around.

The handsome suburb of Sod Town has again resumed the “even tenor of its way.” His Worship had the pleasure of a visit by a couple o” the members of that place last Court day. Mr Guinness considered that all the parties concerned in late fracas were to blame, so he hound the plaintiff and defendant over to keep the peace. Sod Town is a very progressive place ps far as rows are concerned, but I expect it will go back a hit for the next six months, now that the ‘‘combaters” are to keep quite, or lose ten notes.

Au old lady Ims been nominated for the Nelson S' hool Committee. By Jove, what prolonged discussions that Oommittei will have if she is elected as a member. Won’t she spin out the “ la'kce tnlkces,” and bully-rag tiiose who oppose her. I reckon I would like to bo secretary of th.it Committe. T 1 e I>est tiling to do next would bo to ebe-fc some of the softer sex to seats in the Hour .• of Representatives, ami thus give them full control of the colony. Put them in Parliament, and wo should have stonewalling with vengeance, am! eessio '3 hinting over ton mouths. They would also vote themselves big honorariums. I expect they would ho on ioi passing nn Ac! prohibiting their husbands going out after da-k. 1 hope however that wc Beuedh f» ij., . 1 not hvo to see the day when our wives expect to write M. 11.11. after their names.

What a largo number of swaggers there are about Toumka. Some of the poor follows have : ot had work since last hancst ; some of thorn say that they will bo unable to oblam employment, because there are so many applicants for work, but though swaggers rank lowest iu tiro social scale, and despite their generally ragged appearance, (hero are Home respectable members of society in the ranks ox the *• swiggers.” One of tuo recruits of that baud of martyrs honoured us with a visit last week. He bore ibo euphonious title of tho Hon John Burke, and lie mentioned that ho was special correspondent of the London Times, Lomb n Graphic,and Lyoll Argus. He was dressed in tho latest fashion, viz., a billyc jck hat with its roof out, a pair of canvas tro wsers, which were “ more holey than righteous ” ; his dress-coat was formerly black, but it had changed to a sickly green hue, and bis bools bad a yawning abyss at the toes. My friend put up at Mr Sam Burrows’ horel for the night, preferring the bur floor to the parlor couch.explaining this strange procedure by saying that he had seen too much comfort at home, and he had come t.> tiro colony to experience colonial life. The poor fellow had the gift of tiro gab, and ho had evidently seen better days ; but that fearful scourge to humanity—drink —Itad done its work, and dragged kirn down lower than tho beasts of tire field. If some Good Samaritan, nr the Good Templars, could reform a few men srrch as the “ Hon Jno. Burke,” there would indeed bo rejoicing amongst the angels iu heaven.

“There is nothing new under the sun” in Temuka. A well-known caterer of amusements here “ filed ins shovel,” and, he, a few weeks afterwards, sold to one of my friends a meerschaum pipe for 12s 6d. Going to Chjjarini’s Circus, in Timaru, one night lately, my friend was accosted by his creditor. After a few words the lastnamed individual shouted out, so that all around could hear :—“ I say, Mr Blank, when do you intend to. pay me for that pipe I sold you 1” Mr Blank, taking his creditor by the arm, said quietly “Mr Cateror-o '-amusements, yon sold me that pipe one week after you filed your schedule. Now, where did you get those pipes? Ton know yon ought to have handed them over to your ti ustee. If you say any more I shall inform him of the circumstance, ami have you t iken up for fradulent insolvency.” The combatants “squared it up” by the seder making a present of the pipe to the bnjer. A good way of getting out of a debt, is it not ? Oapitano.