ODDS AND ENDS.

Temuka Leader, Volume 2, Issue 116, 25 January 1879, Page 3

ODDS AND ENDS.

The man who couldn't find his match went to bed in the dark. " Julia, there is no moon -. will you meet me at the gas-light corner ?"- " Xo, John. lam no gas-meter." What is the most awkward time for a train to start? 12.50, as it's ten to one if you catch it. How do young ladies show their dislike to moustaches ? By setting- their faces against them. One of the most successful of burglars is light, it is always breaking in on somebody. Why are stars the best astronomers ? Because they have studded the heavens since the creation. What is the difference between a jeweller and a gaoler ?- —-One sells watches and the other watches cells. Why are people who stutter not to be relied on ?—Because they are always breaking their word. A juryman remarked, " May it please yer honour, I am deaf in one ear."— •■ Then leave the h;>x," replied the judge — ;i a juror must hear both sides." A iiui't nolog'.st. ixdng asked what, lie conceived to be the urgan of drunkeness, replied, '' The barrel-organ,"

A waste of " t " —Putting it in depot. Fanners gather what tiny sow, seamstresses sew what they gather. u What are you doing there ?" said a grocer to a fellow who was stealing his lard. "lam getting fat," was the reply. How the Prince of Wales popped the question.— Please deign to marry me ; and the Dane deigned. " Doctor, is tight lacing injurious?" —" Of corset is, madam," Hop Bitters.—Taking your girl to a " hop" and having some other fellow dance with her continually. " T sigh for one glance of your eye," warbled an impecunious fellow as he wandered into a leading saloon a few days ago. " Your train beats a cow-catcher," said a lop at a ball, as he stumbled over a lady's dress—" No," said she, < v it doesn't quite equal one : it has only caught a calf." A beau dressed resembles the cinna-mon-tree, —the bark is of greater value than the bod v.

That Cypher Again.—The London School Board has turned its attention to arithmetic, and produced the following useful conundrum : —Why should a pretty young lady never ask a bachelor if he can cypher ?—Because he would immediately reply, i; Yes, I sigh for vou I"

Bridget—"'' Wot's the most genteel tiling far a lady as is a lady to carry in the "street, Nora?" Cook—" Sure, thin, some prifers a, thrce-volmned book ; but 1 prifers a thin roll of music meself —quite careless and aisy like." Cause and KilVrfc.—An old lady who was apt to be troubled in her dreams, and rather superstitious withal, informed her medical man that on the n'ght previous she dreamed shr> saw her grandmother, who had been dead ten years. The doctor asked what she had been eating. " Oh, only half a mince pie." " Well," said he, " if you had devoured the other half you might probably have seen your grandfather."