ODDS AND ENDS.

Temuka Leader, Volume 2, Issue 115, 22 January 1879, Page 3

ODDS AND ENDS.

“ Could you tell me, sir, which is the other side of the street ? ” On being told that it was across the way, the tight one said, “ Tha’swhatl said ; hut a fellow over there sent me over here.” Judge.—“ Prisoner, why will you drink? Now look at me ! I am sixty, and I never tasted liquor.” Prisoner. — •‘You’ve lost lots' ol fun then, judge, sure as you’re born.” Major, I see two cocktails carried to your m m, every morning, as if you had some one to drink with.” —“ Yes, sir ; one cocktail makes me feel like an other man ; and, < f course, I’m bound to treat the other man.” “ Mike come in and take a drink.” He rolled his eyes upward, then brought them down, and replied, “ Darlint, I thought twoz an angel spakin’ to me,” Many great inventors have been commemorated ; but where is the monument of the man who invented punch ? There are three of them, —the alms-house, the jail, and the insane asylum. “ Do you drink? ” asked a lady of a peddler. He dropped his pack, and remarked, “ Veil, I siinst lieve drink mit you as any odder mans.” Mr. Heep said to a drunken fellow, “ If I were in your place, [ would go out to the woods and hang' 1 myself.” Hie answer was, “ If iooz in my plaish, you couldn’t get tin to.” “ Man and wife are all one, are they? ” said siie. “ Yes : what of it ? ” said he suspiciously. Why, in that case,” said his wife, “ I. came home awfully right last night, and feel terribly ashamed of myelt this morning.” He said never a word. An inebriate fell and struck his nose against a barber’s pole, and exclaimed, t: What’n thunder ’zat (hie)woman wi’stripped stockin’s on got (hie) agin me! ” A stockbroker returning to his office the other day after a substantial luncheon with a client, said complacently to his head clerk, “ Mr. P . the work! looks different to a man when he has a bottle of champagnein him.” “ Yes, sir,” replied the clerk significantly, “ and he looks different to the world.” Smith can’t see why his wife should object to the club because, when he came home, he said, '• My dear, it’s the coldest year for many nights : at fifteen degrees past ten the clock stood at sixteen minutes delow freeze.” Why is a glazier in danger ofbocoming intemperate ? —Because he must always have his glass before he can begin his day’s work. “ I understand yon make very good cider ?” “ Yow,” said the Dutchman ; “ Hans, my hoy, go pring a mugful.” Hans soon returned with a mug brimming full, and handed it to the Dutchman, who drained it to the bottom at one draugot ; then turning to the astonished visitor, said, ,s Dere, now, if you dosh not tink datis goot cider yoost schm-11 of te mug.” Why People Drink — Mr A. drinks because bis doctor has recommended him to take a little. Mr, B. b ’cause his doctor has ordered him not and he hates quackery. Mr. 0. takes a drop because he’s web Mr. D. because he’s dry. Mr. K. because he feels som/thing rising M\ F. because he feeri a kind of a sinking. Mr. G. because he’s going to sec a friend off to America. Mr. H. because h°’s got a friend come home from Australia. Mr. I. because he’s so hot in the evening. Mr. K. because lie’s so cold in the morning. Mr. L. because lie’s g t a pain in his head. Mr. M. beca so lie’s got a pain in his side. Mr. N because he’s got a pain in his bade. Mr. O. because he’s got a pain in his chest, Mr. P. because lie’s got a pain all over him. Mr. Q. bci ause he feels light and happy. Mr. R. because he feels heavy and miserable. Mi\ S. because he married. Mr. T. because he isn’t. Mr V. because he likes to see bis friends arouad him. Mr, W. beemse he’s got no friends, and enjoys i g’ass by himself. Mr. X. because his uncle left him a legacy. Mr. Y. because bis aunt cut him off with a shilling. Mr. Z —We should be happy to inform our readers what Mr. Z’e reasons are for drinking, but on putting the question to him, he was found to be unable to answer. —American Paper.