ODDS AND ENDS.

Temuka Leader, Volume 2, Issue 114, 18 January 1879, Page 3

ODDS AND ENDS.

“If you don’t stop your coughing,” said the*judge, “ I’ll fine you a hundred dollars.” —“ I’ll give your honour two hundred if you can stop it,” was the lawyer’s reply. Nine times in ten, if you run against a man in the dark, j’ou will say, “Hello !” The other fellow will begin to say the same : often he omits the last syllable. Mr. P. sent his two boys to a friend’s until the peril of an impending earthquake should be past. In a few days he, received -this letter : “ Please take your boys home, and send dowu the earthquake.” “ What miserably wretched weather we have! ” Mrs. J.—“ We do, indeed, Mr. T. But try and bear up. It’s better than none, you know.” “ Miss B,” said the professor, “ agreeable to the theory of an entire change in the constituent particles of the body, in seven years you will no longer be Miss JB.” —“ I really hope I shan’t,” responded the girl, modestly casting down her eyes. When Adam was half through naming his descendants, he got tired, and said, “Let’s quit, and call the rest Smith.” “ Jones, did you over see a snail ?” —“ Certainly,” said/Jones. “ Then you must have met him.” ' ' ; A horse-dealer was asked if an animal, which he offered for sale, was timid. “ Not at all,” said he ; “ he often passes many nights by himself in the stable ! ” Lawyer (who has been representative). —“I think, your honour, it is evidence of the witness’ respectability that he is a member of the legislature.” Judge. —Humph ! the .court isn’t clear about that,! ” | “ Zckiak don’t tell anybody you beau’d me home,” —“ Sary, don t you mind : lam as much ashamed of it as you are.” “ When will your mistress return ? ” asked the caller., informed that madam was “ out>” “ Caff t . say, sir,” said James. “ When she sends me down to say she’s out,. I .can .never bei sure,” “ Professor, do you advocate the use of the rod? ” ashed aloud mother, whose children were making life in a seaside hotel unendurable. “ Well, yes ; lor common cases,” said he, “but lor emergencies I prefei a revolver.” ►Steal an umbrella to-day if you c a It may be your last chance. Never put off tid tomorrow’ what you can do today. The summer every-day suit of a Madagascar gentleman costs only fifteen cents, and twelve of those are laid out for a cane, A Mexican editor excuses the -nonappearance of his paper in time by explaining that he killed a man aud had to see Ima decently buried. William Sheehan, ol Fort Wayne, Ind., betted the other evening that he could drink a pint of whisky at a draught. The stakes were paid to his executor. Some men are always looking for something pointed in a newspaper, and yet if their names are used to sharpen the points they are too dull to see where the fun comes in. Most young men can afford to wear a cane. It is an economical garment ;no buttons flying off!, no seams ripping, no rents occurring or holes wearing through. Long live the inventor of the cane. What is your reiigon, Mr. Gibber ?” asked the - landlady of her new boarder.' “ Meat three times a A 3 }’;” was the reply that startled the good woman, and put her in a reverie as to whether the man was a heathen, or had misunderstood the question. Painful Question by the Sultan.— “ Is this Turkey, or is it merely portions of England, Russia, Austria, and other countries ?” Not good enough for the Quaker. —A Methodist and Quaker having stopped at a public-house agreed to sleep in the same bed. The Methodist knelt down and, prayed.. fervently, and confessed a long catalogue rf sins. After he rose the Quaker observed, “ Really, friend, if thou art as bad as thou sayest thou art, I think I dare not sleep with thee.” “Would you take a man’s last cent for a cigar ? ” The unsuspecting merchant replied that ho would, -and that settled the bargain, for the customer placed one cent on the show-case, bit the simall end of the Havana, applied the torch, and leisurely strolled out puffing -his'hightoned cigar. “ Why is it that everybody in Texas thinks it necessary to carry one or two revolvers ?” “ Well, stranger,” said the Texan, “ you mought travel around here a good long time and not a weapon, but when you do want a pistol in this country you want it bad.” A case came up for trial in a French court, and, as the evidence was expected, to be of a certain character, :the Judge ■ intimated the' fact, and requested the decent women to withdraw,Not’a soul moved, “ Usher,” said the Judge, “ now that the decent women have all withdrawn, turn the rest out,”