ODDS AND ENDS.

Temuka Leader, Volume I, Issue 104, 14 December 1878, Page 3

ODDS AND ENDS.

“Mamma,” said a precocious little boy, who against his will was madeto rock the cradle of his baby brother,“ if Doctor Jones has any more babies to give away, don’t you take ’em.” In Texas, recently, a judge broke down with emotion in sentencing a desperado to be hanged, and the desperado, surprised at the scene, said, as he went back to jail, “I feel sorry for the judge.” A prosy person was indulging in a long homily about the cruelty of shooting animals, when a witty lady exclaimed—“l’d sooner be shot with a rifle than talked to death bv a smooth bore.”

A citizen of Connecticut, recently introduced to a newly married man, congratulated him warmly and said —“'Aid these Lichfield country girls make clever wives ; I’ve had three of ’em.” A Springfield girl threatens to sue her father for breach of promise. She says that the old gentleman first gave his consent and then withdrew' it, and that her beau, having got tired of wailing, has gone after another girl. HOW IT WAS DONE. One doctor physicked him, and purged, Another bleeding freely urged ; A third a tonic mixture tried— Between the three the patient died. Philosophers say that shutting the eyes makes the sense of hearing more acute. A wag says that this accounts for the many closed eyes that are to he seen in church. The last case of indolence reported is that of a man named John Hole, who was so lazy that in writing his name he simply used the letter J, and then punched a hole through the paper ! Sir Boyle Roche, of “bull ” celebrity, once sent an amusingly equivocal invitation to an Irish nobleman of his acquaintance : “I hope, my lord, if ever you come within a mile of my house, that you’ll stay there all night.” “ Will you please insert this .obituary notice?” writes a correspondent to the editor of a provincial paper. “ I make bold to ask it, because I know the deceased had a great many friends who’d be glad to hear of his death. At Church.—Don’t go to sleep during the first part of your minister’s sermon. At least pay him the compliment of supposing that he will be both instructive and entertaining. If, however, after, 15 minutes you feel drowsy, you can go to sleep with a quiet conscience, because you have given him a fair chance to keep you awake, and lie couldn’t do it. Ingenuous.—A racy- writer in the 1 Dunedin Age ’ says that among the replies to an advertisement of a music teacher,” (fee. was the following ; “ G entlemen ; I noticed your advertisement for a music teacher and organist, cither lady or gentleman. Having been both fur several years, 1 offer you my services.

“Come here nay little man.” said a reverend catechist, “'and let me see if you can repeat the Fifth Commandment.” The scholar hung his head, but managed to repeat the answer correctly. “ Now what is meant hy honouring your father and mother, my boy ? ” Silence was the only reply on the part of the scholar. “ Do you always do as your parents bids you?” (Still uo reply. “Como, now; do you always do what jour father bids you ?” “Yes,” was the ready reply. “And do you always do what your mother bids you?” “ Na, nae fear o’ me !” “ And why not ?” “ Govie ! if I wis tae due a’ that she bids me, she wid keep me can 1 jin’ water a’ day.” A New York stockbroker’s daughter has visited Europe six times, but never, she boasts, her mother’s kitchen. Why are trees among the best mannered productions of the globe ? Because they almost always leave in time, and never without a bough. A certain Secretary of the State being asked by an intimate friend why he did not promote merit, aptly replied, “ Because merit did not promote me.” “Is there any place, do you suppose, where everlasting spring can be found ? asked an old gentleman of a little girl. Yes, sir; in my pa’s indiarubber factory,’ was the innocent reply. Said one lady to another, —I’m determined to stick to my economical notions.” “Then my dear,” was the reply, “don’t you ever look in a fashionable milliner’s shop window.

A friend of a well-known bibliophile, looking over his books the other day, saw one that interested him very much, and asked for the loan of it, u Lend you a book ?” said the hookworm ; “ impossible !”—“Why?”—“Because I borrowed a book of you long since, and you have never asked for it back again. I couldn’t lend my books to a man with such a memory as that.” The rapidity (says “Atlas”)with which an editor may, under sufficient pressure be induced to change his j olicy was recently forcibly illustrated in a Canadian country paper. It had been the organ of the Government, and had received in consequence the official advertisements. Upon a general election taking place, and the opposite party coming into power, the new Minister withdrew them. The editor remonstrated ; the Minister replied “Impossible to furnish you with the Government advertisements unless you support its policy. Eeply hy wire.” He received the following sensible and laconic response: “It’s a damned sharp curve, but I’ll take it.” The paper is still a good property.