A ODDS AND ENDS.

Temuka Leader, Volume I, Issue 101, 4 December 1878, Page 3

A ODDS AND ENDS.

Grc a pears.—Young married folks, aim ballot bo"'.— V fight at the r olls. Burgo-mastc.—The head of a Scotch family. WJi. u a worn:") n>.ke;- op be:’ mind •li;’t a he 1 ) shull notsfit and a ben makes up herm-nd that she w s ll, the rctsisiahle meets the immovable, and every law of nature is broken or perverted. “ How is it, Miss, you gave your age to the census-ti k>r as only twenty-five, when yon were born in the same year I was, and I am tlfirty-nine ?” “Ah ! you have lived much faster that I, sir.” » f a rich man it was said—“ Poor man ! he toiled day and night until he was forty to gain his wealth, and he has been watching it ever since for his victuals and clothes.”

A henpecked husband said in extenuation of his wife’s raids upon his scalp, “ You see, she takes her own hair off so easily, she doesn’t know how it hurts to have mine pulled cut.” “ See, nurse,” excaimed papa, as a smile irradiated the face of his infant, “an angel is whispering to it.” “ No, sir,” replied the nurse, “ its only the wind on its little stomach.”

The old ex-Emperor Ferdinand of Austria having tasted some pike a la m-rteloite, liked it so well that he asked for a second helping. The mai nd’ hotel sent up word that none was left. “ How much of it did you buy ?” inquired the Emperor. “ Two hundred-weight, your Majesty,” was the reply. “ Well then,” muttered the invalid potentate, “ next time please to purchase a half a pound more, so that I may have a second turn at it.”

Brown tried to quarrel with his mother-in-law the other evening. He married the eldest of seven girls. She said, “ Brown, my boy, Pm not going to ruin my reputation by quarrelling with you. Wait till all the girls are married. At present, as a mother-in-law, I’m only an amateur.”

A Yankee riding on a railroad was disposed to astonish the other passengers with tougli stories. At last he mentioned that one of his neighbours owned an immense dairy, and made a million pounds of butter and a million pounds of cheese yearly. The Yankee perceiving that his veracity was in danger of being questioned, appealed to a friend, “ True, isn’t it Mr ? I speak of Deacon Brown.” “ Y-e-s,” replied the friend, “ that is, I knew Deacon Brown, though I don’t knew as I ever heard precisely how many pounds of butter and cheese he makes a year, but I know he has twelve sawmills that all go by buttermilk.”

At the weekly conference meetings, the Rev. ]h 1 Blank was a good deal pestered by a zealous brother who was very much edified by bis own exhortations; and ii was offen deemed n oessary to iiead him off” by calling-on somebody else to speak or pray ju -t as be was about to begin. On one occasion, as be rose to speak, the pastor gently interrupted biui by saying, “ Brother, will you lead ns in prayer ?” The brother hesitated but a moment and made answer, ‘‘ I was about to offer a few' remarks ; but perhaps I can throw them into th • form of a prayer. ’

Cii nylug 1 away the body and bringing back the Spirit.—Archibald Campbell, at me time city officer in Edinburgh, when hi., mo-her died liv'd a hearse and carried her to the Highlands to be buried. He returned, it was rumoured, with the hearse full of smuggled whisky. A friend, one day began to tease him on the subject. “Wow, man,” replied Archie, there’s nae harm done, I only carried . awa’ the body and brought back the . sp entr The Land o’ Cakes.—A clever paragraphist in the Dunedin ‘ Age,’ says that at one of Madame Tasca’s concerts he had the pleasure of sitting beside a new arrival from the Land o’ Cakes. The new chum admired the music, but regretted there was no acting ; and after Rosaly Merz had finished one of her famous songs, he remarked “ That’s grand singin’, if we only kent the words.” “It’s German, I believe,” said his neighbor. “Na,na, laddie,” responded Sandy; “dinna think that: the lassie’s a Heelau’ limmer, and the sang’s Gallic.”