ODDS AND ENDS.

Temuka Leader, Volume I, Issue 98, 23 November 1878, Page 3

ODDS AND ENDS.

A cabman who drove a clerk and a very large sum of money from one bank to another is spoken of as a “ pile driver.”

A morning paper tells us of the sad case of a man who was shipwrecked, and cast upon an uninhabited island without a shilling in his pocket. In taking leave of her newly-married daughter, a London matron Said—“ Remember Lucy, that the first principle in cleaning house is to make everybody as uncomfortable as possible.” Some one having said that there was a process invented for reducing parchment to glycerine, “Very good ; ” observed a hearer, “ for now a man can eat not only his words, but his deeds.” Mice can always live anywhere comfortably but in a church ; they fat very slowly in a church ; this proves that they can’t live on religion any more than a minister can. There is a growing conviction in the minds of smokers that a vest pocket should be made deep enough to entirely hide a cigar from the scrutinising gaze of a man who never has any. Hop Bitters. —Taking your girl to a “ hop,” and having some other fellow dance with her continually. William came running into the house the other day and asked eagerly, “ Where does charity begin ? ” “At home,” was replied, “in the words of the proverb.” “ Not by a good deal,” rejoined the boy, “it begins at sea (0.)” “ Johnny,” said a fond father, “ you must not keep your hands in your pockets ; no gentleman duos it.” “Can’t help it, pa, it’s an inherited trick.” Beginning Again.—When a man is making love to a widow he always feel as if he had to begin where the other fellow left off.

The Cannibal.—A herculean Yankee, from the him her districts of Maine, on paying his bill in a London restaurant, was informed that the amount paid didn’t include the waiter. “ Wal,” he roared, “what of it don’t! I didn’t eat any waiter, did 1? ” And he glared at the attendants so ferociously that they precipitately left him to go his way in peace. A fortune-hunter went courting the I daughter of a rich whiskey-distiller, and | he s..ng “ I see In r s ill in my dreams.” . “The near* st ] ever came to canniha!ism,” said old Lord George Bentinck, “was when I swallowed a l.ttle London porter.” “ [f one could change h’mself into anv animal ph'ased,” said a pompous ! young man, “ 1 think I should prefer to j change myself into a donkm“ That wouldn’t l»e much of a change,” said a ) satirical young lady. j lis there any dang’ r of the hoa-cnn- ! stridor biting me ?” asked a lady vis’tor at the Zoolog’eal Gardens. —“ Not the least, inarm,” icphed the showman, “ He never biles ; he swallies his wittles wliole.” Scene.—Teacher with reading-class. Boy (reading) : “And as she sailed down the river.” Teacher ; ‘ Why arc ships called ‘she ’ ? ” Boy (precociously alive to the responsibilities of his sex) : “ Because they need men to manage them.” The Custom of the Country.—Scene (a schoolroom in a village in the North of Scotland where water is scarce). Master (to boy with cl’rtv face) : “ What do von by coming day after day in this filthy state ? Why don’t you take an example from James there? (pointing to good boy) He is always clean.” Dirty hoy : “ He may he clean. He bides aside a pump ! ” The daily papers are, says the World, very deficient in the’r lists of the articles deposited in the base of Cleopatra’s Needle. In addition to Mappin’s shilling razor, and Bradshaw, there were a box of Cockle’s pills vouched for by Captain Burnaby ; a box of Holloway’s pills vouched for by Sir Samuel Baker ; a bottle of the Roval Loohnagar whiskey ; a cony of the ‘ Times ’ newspaper that contained the Mayday article ; a cake ot Pear’s transparent soap in compliment to Mr Erasmus Wilson ; a complete sot of the acrostics of the ‘ World,’ with all the wonderful names of the competitors ; a few It's dropped by the Lord Mayor ; the cambric handkerchief which Lord Beaconsfield holds in his hand while he speaks ; one of Mr Byron’s puns ; one of Lady Blank’s garters ; Major O’Gorman’s last speech in metal of the phonograph ; a pair of ladies’ high-heeled hoots ; the end of a cigar smoked by Mr Spurgeon. All this for the benefit of the New Zealander to come. The transfusion of blood is a medical experiment which should he tried only under the best advice, and even then it sometimes produces distressing results. We are indebted to a correspondent for the following:—“A man named Simpson was the other day nearly dead from consumption, when the* doctor who was attending him decided to try the effect of a transfusion of Mood. As none of Simpson’s friends or neighbors were willing to shed their blood for Simpson’s sake, the doctor had no alternative but to use Simpson’s goat for the purpose, and accordingly, opening his patient’s arm, he injected about two quarts of the goat’s blood into the sufferer’s system, Simpson began immediately to revive, ' hut his revival was marked by the most.

disagreeable symptoms. No sooner had his strength returned than lie jumped out of bed, and, twffclvnghis had about after the fashion of a goat, made a savage att< mpt to butt tin 1 doctor. After Simpson's head had ben pm ged against the stom: ch. of ihe doctor three or four times with the force of a battering ram, the doctor took refuge in an adjoining room, wheieupou Simpson banged his head against the door with such violence that ho would soon have smashed the panels but that liis attention was diverted from the doctor by nis mother-in-law, who at this moment entered the room. One well-directed blow from Simpson’s head floored the unfortunate old lady, and then as she lay screaming for help, Simpson frol’cked around her, making efforts to nibble the green flowers which formed the pattern of the carpet. At last he was securely tied down, but alarmed the whole neighborhood by his frightful ‘ ba-a’s.’ Distressed by Simp son’s condition and the reproaches of Mrs S., the doctor determined to undo the evil if possible, and, by heavily bribing an Irishman wlio was Simpson’s servant, procured fresh blood from the faithful domestic, and injected Simpson a second time. Simpson is now quite well, but shocks his old Republican friends by displaying an irresistible tendency to vote the Democratic ticket and speaking with a strong brogue. He has butted only once since the last ‘transfusion.’ On going into church a few evenings ago one of the remaining corpuscles of the goat’s blood got into his brain, and he hutted the sexton halfway up the aisle, recovering himself, however, iu lime to apologise just as the indignant sexton was about to floor him with a hymn-book.”—Exchange.