YULETIDE CONUNDRUMS.

Taranaki Daily News, 24 December 1921, Page 11

YULETIDE CONUNDRUMS.

Why are lazy persons’ beds too short for them ?—because they lie too long in them. Why is a lady’s hair like the latest news?—ln the morning we find it in the papers. Why are fishermen and shepherds like beggars?—Because they live by hook or by crook. Why is a beggar mending his clothes like a landlord?—Because he is making up his rents. What mechanical trade does a clergyman represent when officiating at a marriage? —A joiner. Who was the fastest runner in the world? —Adam; because he was first in the human race. What should you do if you split your sides with laughter?—Run till you get a stitch in them. If a man cuts off the end of your nose what is the only thing to do? — Keep the piece (peace). When does a man sit down to a melancholy dessert? —When he sits down to wine and to pine. Why is an unsuccessful dun like your slippers at bedtime?—because he is put off till the next day. What is that from which the whole may be taken and yet some will remain? —The word wholesome. What is the difference between a jeweller and a gaoler?—One sells watches and the other watches cells.

Why is a young lady dependent upon the letter “Y”? —Because without it she would be a “young lad.” Why is a coach going down a steep hill like St. George?—'Because it Is always drawn with the drag-on.

Why does the cook make more noise than the bell?—'Because one makes a din, but the other a dinner.

Why is a melanchoy young lady the pleasantest of all companions?—Because she is always a-musing. Why are blacksmiths the most discontented of mechanics? —Because they are always on strike for wages. Why is a woman deformed when she is mending her stockings? —Because her hands are where her feet should be.

What is that which Adam never saw, never possessed, and yet he gave two to each of his children? —Parents.

Why should buying trousers on credit be a dishonorable transaction ?—Because they are breeches (breaches) of trust. Why are there more marriages in winter than in summer? —Because then men seek comforters and ladies seek muffs.

Why are ladies’ eyes like persons remote from one another? —Because although they may correspond they never meet.

What is it that has a face, but no head, hands, but no feet, yet travels everywhere, and is usually running? — A watch.

What is the difference between a blind man and a sailor in prison?—One cannot see to go; the other cannot go to sea. If a king kiss a queen, and a queen kiss a king, what public building in London will they represent?—The Royal Exchange. What conies with a coach goes with a coach, is of no use to the coach, and yet the coach cannot go on without it? —Noise.

■What is the best way to get a set of teeth inserted gratis?—Go into somebody's yard where they keep a big dog and kick him.

What’s the difference between an Irishman frozen to death and a Highlander on a mountain peak ?—One is kilt with the cold, the other cold with the kilt.

■What bird can lift the heaviest weight?—The crane.

Why is a true and faithful friend like garden seeds? —'Because you never know the value of either until they are put under ground. Who are the most wicked people in the world, and why?—Pen makers, because they make people steel pens and tell them they do write (right). AVhat is the difference between a beached vessel and a wrecked aeroplane? —One grounds on the land and the other lands on the ground. What is the first thing you do when you get into bed? —You make an impression. Why does a woman lose time after she is twenty?—Time waits for no man, and she does.

What is that which denotes the state of the mind and body? —The tongue. When does a farmer double up a sheep without hurting it? —When he folds it.

Why don’t people improve when in prison ?—Because the whole thing is more or less a sell (cell).

Why should goat’s milk be used most in the r dairy? —Because the goat makes the best butter. What words may be pronounced quicker and shorter by adding syllables to them? —Quick and short. What was it a blind man took at breakfast that restorer! his sight?—He took a cup and saw, sir (saucer). What historical character does a person name when asking the servant to put coal on the fire?—Philip the Great. What proves a minister to be a most affectionate man ?—Because in every church you’ll find a catechist (cat he kissed). ■ln 'what case is it absolutely impossible to be slow and sure? —In the case of a watch.