ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, 12 January 1917, Page 8

ALLEGED HUMOR.

h Government official was telling an ojd Scottish farmer wliat he must do in case of a German raid on the cast coast of Scotland "An' hiv [ rcely tae dae tin's ,-vi' n ma becsties gin the Germans come'-" asked the old fellow "All Hve stock of every description must be branded and driven inland," the official replied. "Dearie me!" pi sped the, farmed m dismay '"I m tlnnkin I'll ha,-, an awful job '■'<■ ir.t iipps "—J! Tinklei, in The Stranc Magazine

"Tounj; mar., A;--.is' ;'.;■■ .nagistrate, severely, 'tiic ns'irili i-i am- committed on ymu- poor wife .->vn« .nost brutal Do you know of any reason why I should not send you to prison"" 'lf you do youi Honor/' replied the isoner at the bar. hopefully, "it will icak up our honeymoon."—Fhiladelph, Ledger

Seme soldiers weie'billetpd at "The Jjaurels," ind n:ip of them immediately became enamoured of Peggy the attractive "ook of the establishment—indeed, he sc-emec to spend all his time in the

kitchen. 'How extraordinarily silent that your.g man ;r-ems to be when he is with you.'' remarked her mistress one day 'Why ';■ it'r ''Oh, you see, mum,'' Ine girl .-x'pian.co, ''as yet the poor fellow is so bashful he does nothing but -at."—Pearson's Magazine

'. Highi&na minister of the old school, who was -athe r pompous, came to a shepherd's aoust Io baptize the son and heir. "Are you he asked the fond parent ''"Or ay munmster; I have got a graund ham for tea ' "I mean spiritually prepared," thundered the cleric. "Af coorse I am Oh, yes, I got u jar o' whusky Iron, thn inn ■' replied the imperturbable Scot.—The Organist and Choirmaster

Quildriver timidly approached his chief's desk and intimated gently that he would like to take Wednesday off The chief turned a fierce, glare npon him, and growled sternly "Look here, you know perfectly well that we're frightfully busy and I can't spare a man. Why on earth do you want next Wednesday off?" "Well, you see, sir," explained the young man hesitatingly, 'l'm going to be married on Wednesday and I—l should like to be there "—The Royal Magazine.

"'Father.' said the minister's son, 'my teacher says that 'collect'- and 'congregate' mean the same. thin". Do they?" "Perhaps they do, my son," said the venerable clergyman; "but you may-tell your teacher that there is a vast difference between a congregation and a collection." —Christian Register.

Magistrate Who was present when the,prisoner knocked you down? Victim: i was /our honor. She: Tiic man I marry must be only a little lowei than the angels. He (suddenly dropping) He.e I am on my knees a little lower than one of them He got her. Minister Then you don't think I practise what 1 preach, eh? Deacon- No, sir I cton't You've been preachin' on the subject of resignation for twa years, an' ye hiviia resigned yit. "Have you," asked the judge 01 a. recently convicted man, "anything to ofTer the court before sentence is passed'/'' "Xo, your honor," replied the prisoner, "my lawyer took my last farthing." Invalid Husband Did the doctor eay I was lo take all the medicine? Wife: Yes, dear Invalid Husband: Whv, there's enough to kill a donkey! Wife (anxiously',: Then you'd beitei not take all of it, John. "How do you happen to be in prison!" "It is the result of an accident" "You ran over someone with your automobile?'' "Xo, ma'am; I 'ell over a cna'ir and waked up the owner of the house." "My dear," said Mr Hawkins to his better half the other evening "do you know that you have one of the best voices in the world ?" 1 "Indeed?" replied delighted Mrs H, with a plush of pride at the compliment. "Do you really think so?" "I certainly do," continued the neartless husband, "otherwise it wouid have been worn out long ago "

Alike Jiegan applied to Mrs. Stone for a position -as- chauffeur, and gave the name of a friend as reference ,\lrs. Stone sought the friend and asked: "Mr Brady, your neighbor Michael Regan, has applied to me for j, place as cnauffem. Is he a steady man?" '•'Steady!" cried Bradj : It.dade, mum. of he wuz any steadier he'd be dead!" Mr. Allan Aynesworth. actor has a keen wit. The story goes that at the rehearsal of a certain piect Mr. Aynesworth met a youth who was giving himself many airs, on the strength 01 his first engagement in London. "These ic hearsals are a beastly fag," the young man was good enough to observe, "but, thank goodness, I know my words" "Both of them?" asked Ayneswovth. "1 suy,'- asiid the war correspondent 'to a young German in hospital, they tell me that when the English shy. blew vou up you were all calm and cu.lected'"

"I was calm," said the German, "but the others were collected."

The sympathetic soul met a' friend who had recently gone bankrupt "Afi4id your money troubles must have given you many sleepless nights." "Xot a bit," replied the stony . ne; 'I always manage to sleep the sleep of the. bust."

"The study of the occult sciences interests me very muoli," remarked the new boarder. "1 love to explore the dark depths of the mysterious, to delve into the regions of the unknown, to fathom the "unfathomable, as it were, and to- " "May I help you to some of the hash, professor?' 'interrupted the landlady And the good woman nevat knew why the other boarders smiled audibly. He had been calling on her twi<v a week for six months, but had not proposed He was a wise young man, and didn't think it necessary. "Ethel*' he said, as they were taking a stroll one evening, "I—er—am going to ask you an important question." "Oh, George," she exclaimed, "this is so sudden,. "Why, I ." "What I want to ask is this," he interrupted: "What date have you and your mother decided. ut)on for our wed-