MOCK COURT.

Taranaki Daily News, 30 October 1916, Page 6

MOCK COURT.

MERRIMENT IN NEW PLYMOUTH. ENTHUSIASM OF CITIZENS. fJTVKs.. (jLADiy PATH Scenes of unexampled merriment were enacted in the Empire Theatre on Saturday, when a lucrative mock court was instituted on behalf of the Soldiers' Comforts Fund. Good humour was at once provoked by the appearance of trie court appointments. The bench, Crou-a iYosecutor'9 stand, witness box, and stand were draped in the Belgian colours, while a Union Jack was suspended behind the judge's bench. A dummy was seated on the witness's dox. Hur.g an the various appointments were a number of facetiously-worded placards. One was fastened to the dock, and indicated that wrecks were repaired therein. Another proclaimed that the court was a "line" one, while another announced. 'Let fine's bt paid though justice fails . On the Bench were the printed words, is the judge. Don't wake him!" At 11 o'clock the learned? judge (Mr. T. B. Slipper, of Wanganui), took his" seat, and, acting on his direction, Sergeant Hoffmann, chief of police, in a stentorian voice, declared the court open. Recognition of the real object of the court was made in the judge's opening remarks. He reminded those present of the purpose of the court, and* pointed out that articles of everyday use in Xew Zealand, such as cigarettes, tobacco, and woollen garments, were of inestimable value to those who were fighting in the mud and slush and misery of the trenches. The fact thai the people in New Zealand were able to pursue their daily avocations in peace was directly due to the sacrifice and valour of her. troops. "Although a mock court," sa ! d Mr. Slipper, "let us not forget that this is a court of patriotism, and let each of us do his duty." The citizens entered into the spirit of tiie campaign witli enthusiasm. There was a. large attendance. The judgd and Crown Prosecutor displayed whoUsome wit, and ripples of merriment, broken occasionally by loud laughter and iTearty applause, sounded almost continuously throughout the theatre. A formidable array of "prisoners" kept the court busily' engaged throughout the day. The first "offender" was Mr 0. Grey,' who was charged with failing to take an active part in the day's proceedings. The Crown Prosecutor (Mr. Allan \fogg): A very heinous offence. The Judge: You're a likely-looking criminal. You're fined, £2. Ne'xt case! "You imagine yourself the owner of the only baby on earth,' : was the soft impeachment preferred against Mr. J, Glenn. ' The Judge (to "prisoner"): You seem very pleased about it. Fined 10s. Mr. Elliott, a cycle dealer, denied that under the Jewellers' Act ne sold rubies (Ruby cycles) without a 'license. The Judge: How many children have you? Prisoner (scratching his nead, as though puzzled): Let me see; three, I think. The Judge: You are fined 3s for not being precise. For being a promising criminal, you will pay 12s; and for smiling, thus committing contempt of court, please pay ss. That matccs £1 in ail. Mr. Honan, an insurance agent, wa3 told lie was a disgrace to the court, and was released on the payment of £l. A young lady (Miss D. Bedford) was called upon to state why she had smiled at the sergeant of police, "thus causing him grievous bodily harm, in that he does not know whether he is standing on is head or bis hee:s.« The "prisoner"' was fined £5.), but in consideration of the vivacious smile she bestowed on the judge, the penalty was reduced to'as. A resident was charged with drunkenness, and for drinking Paul's beer. The Crown IProsecutor: Oh, by the way, did Paul ever get any reply to that epistle he wrote ' to the iEphesians? There was no answer forthcoming, and the culprit was fined 10s (id. A series of indictments was preferred against Mr. F. S. Johns: (1) That he played marbles on the street corner; (2) that he flew a kite with a bank balance; (3) that he overtaxed himself working for soldiers' comforts. The "prisoner" expostulated, but in vain. He was summarily penalised to the extent of £1 Is for speaking out of his turn. "I don't know what the charges are," added the judge, "but vou will be fined £2 25." The Judge (to the court orderly): Take him away to the dry dock. The "Prisoner": This is the dry dock! The Judge: No lip, or I will fine you again! Mr. Rennell, secretary to the Harbour Board, was indicted on a charge of disturbing the sea by dredging. The Prosecutor added: I think he was looking for cases of whisk; from the Tongariro! Sergeant Hoffmanan was called upon to give evidence with respect to the charge, and in a wild garrulous harangue, voiced with a fluency of speech that fairly took away the breath of those present, and in which scarcely a vyord W as clear, the sergeant arraigned the defendasr. "This court is fair and impartial," said the judge to the "prisoner." "I have already made up my mind to convict and fine you. If you plead guilty the fine will be 10s; if you n'.ead not guilty it will be ss. Now," which will it be?" "Prisoner": Oh, guilty X The Judge: Very well, then. You are fined in ail '£s. (Applause.) After thi luncheon adjournment, the Judge and down 'l'rosecutor changed places. On the information of the Chief Magistrate (Mr. J. R. Hill), Mr. Aaron Marsh was charged with loitering. The Crown Prosecutor: Hullo Aaion, where is Moses? •Mr. Hill: I am Moses! Mr. Marsh had no defence, and wa9 lined ss. To another "prisoner" (Mr. Goes), the Prosecutor suggested that when addressing the Bench, he should speak so as "to smooth the old bird down. Call him 'Your Lord Chief Justice.' " Tlie "prisoner" asked the judge a question. The Judge (in reply): Don't ask mo questions. The Crown Prosecutor: No; hie intellect is not capable of answering them. For growing grape vines without making th'em "whine,"' Mr. W. J.

Chaney was ordered to pay £!• Is, which he did willingly enough. Mr. E. Luxton, for "play'inj. billiards with balls having four corners," was lined £L

Mr. John Abbot had nothing to sny when charged with "assaulting, battering, and aolderiiij, the town of-Ha-wuni." A line of Hi 2s was imposed. Other penalties were inflicted as follows:—Mr. k. K. Smart for "playing with Kitty in daylight,"' 10s; Mr. W Ambury, "resisting the police," £5:- Mr. B. Allen, "causing bread to lie;," 10s; Mr. I'. Sa'way, "resisting the police, to the imminent danger of his love affairs," £1 Is; Mr. Cooper, "selling mill; separators to Chinamen," (is; Mr. R. Day, "coming from a septic tank," 2s 6d; Mr. E. Whittle, "coming home at !i o'clock in the morning, and selling his wife's clothes," £3 3s; J. Morey."""'fitting female figures," £1 Is. A dentist was charged with digging gum without a license. He pleaded not guilty, and was fined 10s. The Judge was informed that "lite personality radiated from every corner of the court," at which compliment His Honor beamed with delight, and was noticeably lenient with the nest "accused.''

A great hit was scored oy At »: «. Hill. No formal charge was preierred against him, but he was vaguely described "as the worst case in town."

The Judge: How much of you are ploughable ? ''Prisoner": I'm all hill; the rest o. you ara flats. (Loud laughter and applause.) The Judge: Have you anything more to say?

"Prisoner": If I say more, I'll 'be fined more.

The Judge: For showing pleaiurabie anticipation that, you will be fined more, you will be fined more. T ! ie penalty will be 15s. Mr. H. Goodacre was arraigned under the "Scandalous Persons Act." Mr. Goodacre's character was found to be unimpeachable, and for lack of anything more definite he was charged with smiling in court. The fine was £1 Is. Mr. C. Carter was speechless ,vhcn called upon to explain why he had "gambled in oil shares.'' The Crown Prosecutor dwelt on the "enormity of the offence," and remarked that tie practice the "prisoner" had been guilty of "had sent many people to perdition." "In fact, I'm going there myself through it," added the Prosecutor, sotto

The Judge: Well, Christopher Columbus, did .you discover oil? (Laughter.) Did you stand eggs wrong side up? Now, don't smile! How dare you smile!

Mr. Carter's "misdemeanours" cost him £2 2s. Mr. Auld was admonished for not assuming an attitude of humility in court. He was charged with "selling ladies' underclothing," with "being too old for his years," and with intending "to deceive the court." The Judge thought he saw a hat in the "prisoner's" hand, and fined him for it. Loud laughter ensued when the "prisoner" showed his hands to bt empty. The penalties totalled £1 Is.

A fine of 10s was inflicted on Mr. Frederick Bellringer for "being the superintendent of the jocal fire luigadc; lie thereby disturbed the peace of tie community for the sake of advertising his own name.'' (Laughter.) Mr. E. Nops was the noxt "prisoner," who stood arraigned on a charge of the "heinous crime" of "driving a motor-car." , The Judge: Was it a Ford?

Sergeant Hoffmann did not enlighten the court as to the "accused's" antecedents in a voluble and almost breathless harangue, hut was complimented by the judge for the "orthodox police method in which he had given. bis evidence." As the fines for imagii.ary offences mounted up, Mi. Nops wanted to know whether he would be allowed -any discount.

His anticipations in this direction were at once shattered as the judge rapped out crisply: "Fined £5." (Applause.) Mr. Frederick Cornwall, described a 9 a "die-hard," contributed 10s to the fund.

For displaying his linguistic capabilities, and using intimidating language while coaching a crew on the Wanganui River some years ago, at the time when the Crown Prosecutor .vas stroke, Mr. T Christensen paid 10s. In reminiscent mood, the "prisoner" told a story how the Crown Prosecutor lad tied a tin to a dog's tail, and had "nearly got into trouble over it.

Mr. Newton King was charged with "aspiring to the 'dignity of wearing a crown." He did not appear, but, as the judge put it, he rightly' gauged the seriousness of the offence, and, in anticipation, had sent along a cheque to meet the heavy penalty involved. The "line" of ,£W, the largest paid that day, was received with enthusiastic applause. The borough inspector, Mr. Ben.'Tippins, gave the 'police" great (difficulty when they essayed to "arrest" him on a charge of "neglecting his duties." He was finally overcome, and, with the assistance of rope 3 and the 'Black Maria," was conveyed to court. His beaming smile captivated the judge, who let him off with a lenient penalty of 255. x

Mr, McKean, of the Criterion Hotel, admitted that he had propped up ms doors of Iris establishment, and smilingly paid the £5 demanded of him. A real policeman was caught when Mr. Fitzgibbons appeared in the dock. He had nothing to say when charged with "consorting with bad characters." The fine was fixed at os.

Mr. Emeny, of the Royal Hotel, did not disclaim the aliases of "Dinkum" and "Slippery Bill," and tacitly admitted that he "had disseminated false news, particularly with regard to racing." The '■accused" was penalised t< "he extent of £? 3s.