ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, 26 February 1916, Page 9

ALLEGED HUMOR.

the heroine was pretty. By Henry Jamci. It was not, even in one's accesses of pessimism (no matter how bitter), to bo denied, or, for the matter of that, even mildly questioned, that she hai pulchritude of no mean order. A certain—what shall one say?—(feminine attractiveness is so elusive of definition!) charm, perhaps, was the iu.'-tiii-gible concomitant, as it were, of all—and even her nose, so patently a heritage, in contour, from her drunken father, was no exception—her features. By Gouverncur Morris: Her voice, ,at times, was like, a flashing, plashing, mischievous little brook. And at other times it was like care-free young angels giggling joyously and ringing ti:n purest little, dearest little silver bells. And her eyes were as the blue, blue sky, newly scrubbed, and put out to dry. And her mouth was the teeniest, squeoniest little "mouth that ever was, always in a rose-biuly pucker, distracting enough to make tiie glummest, sourest, glowcringest, womanhatingest man stop dead in his tracks and quiver all over. And when she smiled, oh, so roguishly, you thought you saw the whitest, prieelessest collection of pearls in all the length and bre'adth of the world, and 10, they were lu.'r teeth! By Joseph Conrad: Somewhere up that black, gleaming reach of water, on whose banks the crocodiles frisked and whickered under tb.n remote, pitilessly blue sky; back in the impenetrable jungles, a girl awaited him, sombrely handsome, steady eyes, brooding.' . . . alone. By Robert W. Chambers: Fearlessly, she had turned ber brilliant, scintillating, sparkling, coruscating, college-bred face to the menacing world, gallantly repelling each dread grope of its tentacles \vitli a flashing bonmot, superbly rebuffing its satyrlike leer with dazzling repartee. By Gertrudo Stein: She had looks. She had. She had .looks. Of .that there was no question. She had looks. Looks was, or were, what she had. She had looks. Perhaps she had other things. But she had looks. Yes. She had looks. Xo doubt of that. What alio had was looks, she had. She had looks. Many of them.

Mother was measuring a dose of tonic for her little son, who looked up and said: "What am I taking this for?" "An appetite," she replied. | "An appetite!" he scornfully repeated. "I can't begin to hold iiow onehalf I want to eat." "I am sorry the doctor says that I have to bo alone on my vacation," Wingram Wibbits said to' his wife, as he unpacked his trunk again, to put a collar button in. "But at least, if I can't have you with me, I can send you a post-card every day with pictures of the sea and, things on them. Excepting on Sundays, of course." She kissed him for his unselfishness, and he departed. She got the entire 12 post-cards, one for each week day, and all with lovely views of the same wave. When he returned home, peeling handsomely from sunburn, his first question was: "You got all my cards, I hope?" "All 12, Wingram," she replied. "The views of that wave were lovely, and I appreciated the handwriting as much as ever, and the date were all put in beautifully, but still " "Yes, Melina?" "Well, you must have given them to an awful bonchead to mail for you to save you the trouble. He mailed them all in one day, just as you wrote them, and I got the whole lot two days after you left." Excusing himself, Wingram called a tavi-cab, and rode 13 miles out into the country, a-nd sat on a feuee with his thoughts.

I see some philosopher says,.that the only way to cure yourself of a love affair is to run away. Do you believe it? Certainly—if you run away with the girl. "Happiness," said a pompous man, "is only the pursuit of something, not the catching of it." "Oh, I don't know!" answered his plain friend. "Have you ever chased the last tram car on a Tainy night;" Matilda: It sea 'ere as 'ow there are many cases of typhoid reported in the enemy's 'orspitals. _ Susannah: Oh, dear! And 'ow many is there in a case? Sweet seventeen: Oh, Mr. Linklev, how lovely of you to bring me these ueautiful roses! How sweet they are, and how fresh! I do believe there is a little dew on them yet! Mr. Linkley: W-well, yet, there is; 111 pay it to-morrow! "Would you do something for a poor old sailor?" enquired a tramp at the gate. "Poor old sailor?" said the workingman's wife. "Yes, rn'm. I followed the for 16 years. "Weli," said the woman, "you certainly don t look as if you caught up with it!" 1 A titled lady was once canvassing for votes at a. Parliamentary election, and stopped at a house, the door of which was opened by a burly woman, who eyed her none too graciously. "May I ask," said the lady, sweetly, "to what party your husband belongs?" "Certainly!" answered the woman, I'm the party to whom J e belongs, and well'e knows it!" "Herbert," said a school teacher, turning to a bright youngster, "Jan you tell me what lightning is?" "Yes, ma'am," was the ready reply of the, boy. "Lightning is streaks of electricity." "Well, that may pass!" said the. teacher encouragingly. "Now tell me why it is that lightning never strikes twice in the same phice ?" "Because" answered Herbert, "after it hits once the same place ain't there any more!" A would-bo humorist, meeting an Irishman, thought he would be funny at his expense. "Hallo Mike!" he said. "I'll give you eight in pence for a shilling." "Will ye now?" asked Mike. "Yes," said tho humorist. The Irishman handed over a shilling and his friend put eightpence into his palm in return. "Eight in pen-ce," he explained. "Not bad, is it?" I "No," answered Mike, "but the shilling "" '■