ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, 12 February 1916, Page 9

ALLEGED HUMOR.

Modern child: What do they mean by a long'winter evening? Mother: A portion of the day which existed before the era of movies and talking machines. Some day we'll be telephoning through the air without wires. Maybe. l!\i- •• 'fc it seem queer to have an op! !-" 1 bank to you and say, "The air now?" Beck (despond : T said something my wife didn't . . .and she hasn't spoken to me for two days! Peck (eagerly): Can you remember what it was, old man? The Professor: Humph! Dear me! I gave that young man two courses on the cultivation of the memory, and lie's gone away and forgot to pay me, and I can't for the life of me remember the fellow's name: How provoking! First Recruit: What do vo'u think of the major, Bill? Second Recruit: He's a changeable kind o' bloke. Last night I says to 'im, "Oo goes there?' an'/he says, 'Fried!'; an' to-day 'e 'ardly knows me. "What do you consider the most despicable creature in the world,' he asked, by way of uncorking a little conversation. "The man who knows he can't dance, but won't admit it,' she retorted, glancing at her bumps, which showed evidence of frequent contact with his oxfords. Tailor: The postal service is in a wretched condition. ! Friend: Never noticed it. Tailor: Well, I have. During last month I posted 180 statements of accounts, with requests for immediate payment, and, so far as I can learn, not more than two of my customers received their letters. The master was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. "Tommy," he asked a small boy in the class, "how is it that when I stand 011 my head the blood rushes to my head, and when I stand on my feet it doesn't rush to my feet?" "Please sir, your feet ain't empty," was the'quick reply. The master asked no more questions. There was a company of gentlemen engaged in a little game of cards in a prominent man's parlour one night lately. It grew late, and fears were expressed- by the party that they were trespassing upon the kindness of the mistress of the house, who, by the way, was not present. "Not at all, gentlemen —not at all! Play as long as you please. I am Tsar here!" said the master of the mansion. "Yes, gentlemen, play as long as you please," said a silvery, voice, and all rose as the mistress of the house stood before them. "Play as long as you please, gentlemen! But- as it is nearly I o'clock, the Tsar is going to bed." He had been refused, but lie declined to believe it. "Then I am to understand that (his is your final answer. Miss RtV.bbles?" "My final answer." "'Nothing can move you?" "Nothing." "Then my life will be a lonely one and my fate a harsh one, for my uncle with whom I live has just died and left me " ""That fact somewhat alters the case, Henry. I cannot be harsh ;lo one who has sustained such recent bereavement. If I could believe that you are sincere "Sincere! Oh, Miss Stubbles!" "You have certainly made an impression on my heart. Give me time to think of it." "How long?" "After all, why think of it? Henry, I am yours." "Oh, Genevieve!" i "Your poor uncle! Was he long ill?" ! "Three days." "It is itoo bad! You sav he left you i "Yes, he has left me." i "How much?" "How much! I said he had left me. ■ He had nothing to leave. lam alone ' in the world now, homeless, penniless, i but with you hv »v side —why, B ' lC ' 3 fainted,!"