ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, 24 December 1915, Page 10 (Supplement)

ALLEGED HUMOR.

SOME SATISFACTION. Among the passengers on a train on a railway waa a talkative jewellery traveller. Presently the train stopped to take on water, and the conductor neglected to send back a flagman. An express caine along, and, before it could 'be stopped, humped the rear end of the first train. The drummer was lifted from his seat and pitched head first into the seat ahead. His silk hat was jambed clear down over his ears. He picked himself up and settled back in his seat. No bones had been broken. He drew a long breath, straightened up, and said: "Well, they didn't get by us, anyway." 'HE KEPT OUT THE " CHASER." An American colonel and an old friend were fishing for bass. Part of their commissariat for the day was composed of a jug of rare old rye whisky, which the colonel deciared should never be spoiled with a "chaser" of water. He had just helped himself to a drink, when the friend, in the excitement attending the hooking of a huge fish, upset their craft. When the colonel came up ho found his friend clinging to the keel of the boat. It waß a warm day, and the friend had a large-sized bump of humor, so remembering what nad happened just 'before the catastrophe, he asked with a grin, "Swallow any water, colonel?" "No, suh. Not a damned drop, suh!" WHY HE NEEDED HIS TICKET. The well-beloved (bishop of a certain Southern State is so absent-minded that his family is always apprehensive for his welfare when he is away from home. Not long ago, while making a journey by rail, the hishop was unable to find his ticket when the conductor asked for it. "Never mind, bishop," said the conductor, whp knew him well, "I'll get it on my second round." However, when the conductor passed through the car again the ticket was still missing. "Oh, well, bishop, it will be all right if you never find it," the conductor assured him. "No, it won't, my friend," contradicted the bishop. "I've got to find that ticket. I want to know where I'm going." TESTIMONIAL FOR A DOCTOR.

It is probable that no class of men is criticised more unjustly than doctors. Many of the stories at their expens®, however, are both amusing and goodnatured. A recent addition to this list is the tale told about the Chinaman who was asketf" if there were good doctors in China. "Good doctors!" he exclaimed. "China have best doctors in world. Hang Chang one good doctor; he great. He saved my life." "You don't say so! How was that?" "Me velly bad," he Baid. "Me callee Dr. Han Kon. Give some medicine. Get velly, velly sick. .Me callee Dr. San Sing. Give more medicine. Me grow worse—going to die. Bimebly callee Dr. Hang Chang. He no got time: 110 come. He save my life." SLOW, BUT WILLING He was the slowest boy on earth, and had been sacked at three places in two weeks, so his parents had apprenticed him to a naturalist; But even he found him too slow. It took him two hours to give the canaries their seed, three to stick a pin through a dead butterfly, and four to pick a eonvolvulous. The only point about him was that he was willing. "And what," he asked, having spent a whole afternoon changing the goldfishes' water, "shall I do now, sir?" The naturalist ran his fingers through his locks. "Well, Robert," he replied at length, "I think you might now take the tortoise out for a run,"

PAT'S BANSHEE in Donegal not long ago, a eii, Minn engaged a loquacious boatman to row him on one of the lakes and show him the sights. They inspected a ruined castle with the legend of a banshee. The clergyman, thinking he would put a poser to the loquacious Irishman, wfio kn#v everything, enquired: "Have yon ever seen a banshee, Pat!" "Ay, bedad, that I have, your reverence." "Indeed!" said the clergyman, with an incredulous smile. "And, pray, where did you see one?" "Stuffed, in a museum," replied the unabashed Celt, without any hesitation. "Pa, what is meant by 'emoluments of office V " "That's a high-sounding word used frequently by politicians to denote their pay, my son, and it's like charity." "How's that, pa?" "It covers a multitudo of sins.'' ''Braggs, who has just returned from the war where she enlisted, says he despises the enemy." "Yes, from all accounts his contempt was so great that lie invariably turned his back on the enemy whenever they met."

"How ridiculous some of our forms of speech are; Here's a notice of the Jaggs, which says they took up their residence in the suburbs. How could they take up a residence?" "Easily. They've got one of those portable houses." "Which are the pictures in your gallery that you value most highly?" "I uur.no.'' replied Mr. Cunirox. "Mother an' the girls told the man to go round and take off the price marks I had put on 'em before I had time to learn 'em by heart." Jones (peering out of the window at drizzle falling 011 the links): What made old Brassey growl so when Hopper dragged him home? Didn't know he minded a Scotch mist Bo much. Smith (sitting by the grill-room fire): Huh. 'Twasn't the Scotch mist; it was the missed Scotch. Mr. (Bragg: I object to being called a "gay Lothario." Of course, lam not engaged to any particular girl, but " Miss Snappe: Of course you're not. If she were particular, you couldn't be. Customer: Gee, this is a rotten cigar I Shopkeeper: Well, don't complain You've only got one of them—l've got 10,000 of the darned things. "A rich woman misses much in life." "As to how?" "She can't run out to the back fence when she gets hold of a choice bit of gossip. She has to get up a tea or reception, and by that time the news is stale." "I hear you ea-a-alling me," wartileu the daughter from the parlor. ' "Yes," sang mother from the kitchen, "I want you to help me with the dis-s-sheß." And then a profound silence reigned*