TRY TO SMILE.

Taranaki Daily News, 18 September 1915, Page 11

TRY TO SMILE.

V 1' », ■ • WAITING FOR ORDERS. Jacob JoUdsoii was one of those peiv «yns who always think other people cant' be left to attend to anything 1 . They give so many directions that muddle simply follows on their heels. ; Well, Jacob was going on a business trip to Scotland, and he asked his brother to look after his pet parrot. All the way north in the train he worried about the bird, and when he reached Edinburgh, rußhed straight off to the post office to send a wire: "Don't forget to feed the parrot." Early the next morning he was awakened by the (boots, at bis hotel, who brought him his reply, also sent by talegraph: "Have fed -him, but he is hungry again. What shall I do now?"

HE GUESSED WRONG. "B-E-D spells bed," said the teachar for the twentieth time to her backward pupil. "Now do you understand, Tommy ?" "Yes,'; said Tommy glibly. "Well, O-A-T spells cat, IT-OG spells dog, and B-E-D spells " "I—l've forgot, miss," whispered Tommy contritely. "What, you don't know what B-E-D spells after all that I've told youl" Tommy shook his head. "Oh, Tommy!" mourned the teacher. "Well, once more, B-E-D spells what you sleep in. Now, what do you sleep int" "My shirt!" shouted Tommy triumphantly. MAKING THE BULL SIGH. ! Angus Macßrotih, the village "innojcent," stood outside the farmyard rubbing himself, while on the other aide of the gate an infuriated bull pawed the ground savagely. "Did the black bull get ye?" asked the farmer anxiously, as he came running up. ,- ' i "Did he?" snored Angus. "D'ye no I see -me rubbing masel'? But A'll get even wi' him, the brute!" Ten minutes later he returned to the farmhouse, his face spread in a smile. "A've done it!" he told the farmer. "A've got even wi' that black beast over yonder!" "Whit wey?" asked the bull's .'owner. "Well, I jist went tae the wee broon calf and fetched him a whack—sich a bonnie yhn, tae—o'er the lug, an' Bay* I tae him, *Noo, gang an' tell yer feytfier aboot that!'"

SETTLED OUT OF COURT. "Well," said the lawyer, having listened carefully to hi 3 client's statement, "you've got about the best case I ever heard. My dear sir, you can't help winning it, whatever court you take It to. I shall be only too glad to assist in the matter." 'Thanks," said the prospective' client. "Thanks very much!" Then, grabbing his hat, he made a speedy exit from the office. "What ?" exclaimed, the astonished lawyer. "Are you going?" "Yes," replied the other. "I'm going to try to settle this case out of court." "But, my dear sir, why waste money? As I have already told you, that's oneof the best cases I've over heard."> "Maybe it is," said the fickle client, as lie hastened down the stairs, "but not for me. I told you the other fellow's story."

IX)ST PROPERTY. A taxi-driver was standing off a cabrank in London, when a special constable went up to him and said: "Look here, my man, ypu mu3t get into position on the rank." "And who are you!" was the question. "I'm a special constable," answered the traffic director, displaying his .badge. "Oh, you're the very bloke I'm looking for. about 'art an hour ago a passenger went off and left a blooming kid on the seat of my cab; now what am I to do about it ?" "Wait a minute—wait a minute," replied the special, turning up his notebook. "Ah, here it is. Rule 49—iPrdperty found in cabs must be- taken to the nearest police station, and if not claimed in six months it becomes the property of the finder."

"NEXT OF l(m» A good recruiting story, told by an officer at Scaforth, shows how prone is a simple mind to be confused by the elaborate cross-questioning which the new recruit lias to undergo. The officer was entrusted with the collection of particulars necessary for the allotment of allowances to the soldiers' dependents. He was interrogating a. young fellow wjto did not seem to have a clear idea what it was all about. "Next of kin?" he asked in a sharp, business-like way. The young soldier dropped his voice and became confidentially apologetic. "I'm only wearing a" jersey," he replied; "my shirt's getting washed."

A Scotchman came upon an automobile overturned at a railway crossing. Beside it lay a man badly smashed up. "Get a doctor!" he moaiied. "Did the train hit you?" asked the Scotchman. "Yea, yes. Get a doctor."

"Has the claim agent been here yet?" "No, no. Please get a doctor." "Move over, you," said the Scot, "till I lie down beside you."

One of the most famous sporting peers is the Earl of Warwick, and they are telling a good story about an answer which his lordship once gave to someone wlio had chaffed him about some of li is'hunting yarns. "Xes,'' he replied with a smile, "1 admit that some of them were rather tall varus. I outdid the wandering hen. A lien, you know, set out to see the world and met a crow in a distant wood. "jßut,' said the crow, 'are' you not afraid, without good wings, of losing your way in all this tangle!' "'Afraid? Not I." said the Ken. "Kvcry yard or two I lay an egg, to guide myself back by!"'

Admiral Lord Fisher is a self-made man in the sense that he owes nothing to birth, social influence or wealth, in a service in which all three counted for much when he first entered the Navy, and the story of that entry is typical of the man. At the age of thirteen hj; scrambled aboard the Admiral's ship at Plymouth, marched up' to a splendid figure in blue and gold, and, handing Mm a letter, said, "Here, my man, give this ,to the Admiral." The man in blue and gold smiled, took the letter and opened it. "Are you the Admiral?'" said the boy. "Yes, lam the Admiral." He read the letter, and, patting the boy on the head, said, "You must stop and take dinner with me." "i think," said the boy, "I should like to be getting on to my ship," speaking as though the British Navy had fallen to his charge. The Admiral laughed and took; him dowft to Hum