SOME GOLF YARNS.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LVI, Issue 82, 1 September 1914, Page 8

SOME GOLF YARNS.

OLD AND NEW. Every golfer has 'his budget of golf stories. One of the latest tells of two Jews, of whom any number are to be found on the golf courses round London. They were playing a match for a couple of sovereigns. Both were a a little past the meridian of life, and certainly .uore than a little below the golf meridian. Nevertheless, the game was close and interesting. When the last tee was reached the players were all level. Each with his second reached the bunker guarding the green. The foremost of the two on coming forward perceived that his ball was well-nigh unplayable under the far fence, while | that of his opponent lay clear in the middle of the bunker. The match, to all intents and purposes, was lost and won —and also tho two sovereigns. Distracting his opponent's attention for a moment, he dived into his pocket, produced half-a-erown, and dropped it in front of his rival's ball. The latter had to play the odd, and on addressing his ball at once perceived the coin, and with an exclamation of joy, stooped and picked it up. His delight, however, was short-lived. Hi 3 opponent at once remarked, "Well, that is a bit of luck. But I must abide by the strict rules of the game and claim the hole, as you are not allowed to touch anything in a bunker. I'll trouble you for the two sovereigns." Result, a clear profit of £1 17s «d. QUITE WELL, THANK YOU.

There is the funny golfer one occasionally meets who invariably attributes his defeat to "a toudbj of lumbago" or some other ailment. "Are you quite well to-day?" said Smith anxiously to Jones before beginning their match. "Oh yes," replied Jones. "You are quite sure?" asked Jones again. "Certainly sure," retorted Jones; "I never felt in better fettle in my life. Why are you so anxious about my (health f "Because," smilingly replied Smith, "I haven't beaten a healthy man in the last three weeks."

Another good story is in connection with a foursome. One of the players belonged to that school which insists on the boll being deposited on a sort of Band-castlo when the drive from the tecing-ground is attempted. On this occasion he topped the ball, which settled down in the "tee." Ilia partner at once loudly demanded his niblick from his caddie, and with a tremendous swipe lifted the ball high up int othe air, to fall again some twenty yards or so away. "What in all the world did you take your, niblicki for?" queried the astonished "high-tee" maker. "Nilxlick?" replied the second player. "What else could 1 take, do you think? And a very good shot it was indeed, out of that bunker." THE FIRST TRAIN HOME.

Quite m-cntly a gentleman went to Musselburgh for a holiday. He had a faint idea how to play golf, and was recommended to play every day by his medical adviser and thereby get as much of the ozone-laden breezes as possible. Engaging, a caddie, he proceeded to go round the course. For each stroke a particular club was .produced, with instructions as to how the shot should be played. Be played fairly well for a novice for the first few holes, but took fifteen to reach the next. "What shall I do now?" he asked his youthful caddie. "Weel, if I wis you," replied the hoy laughingly, " I ' wad take the first train back to Edinberry." Happily the caddie's employer was endowed with a sense of humor. THE AVRONG TRAIN.

Olio summer day I was sitting, said a golfer friend to the writer, in a thirdclass compartment of the 10.80 train to Hawick, when, just as the whistle blew, a little fat man, grasping in his left hand a golf bag containing about a dozen chilis, from a driver to a masliie, Hung open the door, and projected himself, like a n tone from a catapult, into the compartment. He was puffing and perspiring with exertion, and as he east himself into his seat lie mopped his brow with a. large, red-colored handkerchief and stared round upon his fellow passengers. Being a golfer mvself. I was naturally interested in the little man.

When he had recovered 'ids breath lie Hooked across at me, and said, with an air of great satisfaction. "That wis a gev near thing." '\S O i(. W as." 1 said. *'M(in. T thocht 1 was gann tae lose it."' "Yon certainly had a run for it," I remarked. "Man,' the North Brcetish 13 shairly gettin' a win' punctual." he continued, "or ma watch is no strikley corrode. T thocht it wisna near 1.0.35 till I got tae the entrance, tae the platform—the train wis at the far end--an' saw tCm gaird wavin' his nag." "But this is not the 10.35." [ ventured to remark. -This is the 10.30." "Whamis this train (rami tae'r" eried the little man with a yell that startled the entire compartment. "This U |1„, train to Hawick," T said. "Michty!" cxcliamed the little man as he collapsed into 'Ms scat, "An' me gmin tae Danbar!"

Consolation is sometimes doled out in strange fashion to the unfortunate golfer. On one, occasion a middling plaver. who frequently played with a lady friend, found that he was makinw lit'.fc progress in the game. "80.y," said lie, addressing himself to his caddie, "can you tell me how I can improve my play!" "Aye," replied the. caddie. Minna play wi' women."

TAMSOX'S DEW. Another golfer of the middling Iv.io was paying his annual visit to a seaside course not n hundred miles i'i out Edinburgh. He remarked to his caddie, "Do you know. F nla,.ed a. loiiml or (.wo with Mr. John Thomson when I was hero lust year. Rut, 01 course, he always beat me. firoat ni.iver, Thomson." "Aye/' replied the caddie, "hut ve eould bate Thomson mm.'' "Do you think so?'' exclaimed the graliiird visitor, well aware 01 Thomson's prowess. "Aye.'' slowly replied tin- caddie. "Tamson's deid!"

On one occasion a novice was doing so badly tbat be lost all patience with'(ho game, and made up bis mind never to handle a vlnb again. "Boy." he cried angrily to his caddie on the spur of tiie moment, "throw those infernal clubs into the burn. I'm sick of ibom." Rut his resolution in this regard did not last long. C'olf had got 'him in a tight grip. A few days later lie wandered on to the links, where lie observed his former caddie practising with one of his best sticks, while several of the lad's companions were examining, with envv, (Jim other clubs in the hag. "kiddie." said the golfer solemnly, "didn't T f'il you to throw those ndubs into the burn?" "Ave. sir, ye did that." replied the caddie, "lint ye vaid nacthing aboot boo lans I wis tae let them lie there, sao I .list took teem oot o' the water again.'' A generous "reward" to the boy placed the ojnbr in the ham's of their previous owner. Early next morning he was out on (be links skewing tihe wee white' ball with renewed and cheerful energy, ijolf should, and generally does, produce that tor.cb of human nature which makes the vvho'o world kin.