ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LIV, Issue 191, 10 February 1912, Page 10 (Supplement)

ALLEGED HUMOR.

A MISUNDERSTANDING A Scotsman, convicted of drunkenness and unable to pay the fine, was sentenced to fourteen days' imprisonment. On the first morning of his captivity the warder handed him a bucket of water, saying: "That's to wash your cell with." Returning to the cell shortly afterwards, the warder found, to his astonishment, Sandy divested of clothing, and enjoying a cold bath. "Good gracious!" he exclaimed, "what are you up to?" "Jist what ye told me to," replied Sandy, innocently. "Didn't ye say it was to wash meseP wi'r" MIGHT BE WORSE. It was not always possible for Mrs. O'Flaherty, from her permanent station at the washtub, to appreciate the silver lining, which her husband took pains to point out to her in every cloud. "I've lost me job, Nora," he said cheerfully the other day, "but this is just the toime whin ye ought to be thankful I'm not so smart as some people." "An* fee why should I be thankful for that, thin?" asked the hard-working soul, pausing to wipe her glistening forehead with her damp apron. " 'Tis aisy seen," replied her lord, gazing tolerantly at her from his comfortably chair by the stove. "If I was Tom Murphy, fr instace, an' out of me job, I'd be losin' .eight shillin's a day instid of six. You think o' that, me darlint, an' 'twill put the heart into ye, same as it hev into me." ONCE BITTEN, TWICE "Save me! Save me!" screamed the girl, who was struggling in the deep water. The young man on the bank hesitated. "I'm a married man," he said, "and I've three children at home. You must understand that." "Yes, yes, but save me," cried the girl. "I can't marry you if I do," explained the young man. "No! . No! Only save me. I shall drown if you are not quick." "Yes, I will. But you must promise that you won't fling your arms around me and call me your hero?" "I promise." "Right. I'll save you.' You see, I have to be cautious, because I rescued a girl once before—that's how I came to be married." UNUSUAL POLITENESS. "Prop up your head on a pillow," said the M-D., "and then get someone to press gently with his fingers- on, either side of your throat. You'll find'that a . certain cure for insomnia, I fancy." ,But when the doctor visited his pa- , tient the foiowing day he found her, if J anything, more haggard and weary-look-ing than before. "Did you try the remedy, madam?" he -asked her. "No!" she snapped. "And why not, may I ask?" "My daughter is away from home, doctor, and my son-in-law is the only person in the house. I asked him to carry out your instruction. He replied, 'With the greatest of pleasure, mother.' I locked my bedroom door last night, doctor." The doctor stared at her in amazement, g "My son-in-law," went on the lady, "never before said, 'With the greatest of pleasure' to any request of mine!" WON THE MONEY. Two visitors to a cattle show were S gazing admiringly at a specially fat' beast. "I wonder what his weight might - be?" said one of them, a townsman. "It's easy enough to guess pretty nigh answered the other, a stalwart farmer,' looking with some contempt at his companion. "Oh, well," said the townsman, "I think I could guess as near as you!" "Could you now?" queried 4he farmer. "Well, I'll bet ye a sovereign ye can't!" "Done! How much do you say?" After a critical survey the farmer gave the beast's weight as a hundred and seventeen stone. "Well," said the townsman, "Pll say a hundred and seventeen stone, too. Now, hand over the money." " "What d'ye mean?" "Why, I said I'd guess as near as you, and I've done it!" i WASTE AND WAIST. A motor 'bus had collided with'a heav-ily-laden milk van, and sent can after can splashing into the street. Of course the world assembled to watch the great event. A small man, coming up late, hadto stand on tiptoe, and keep dodging his head from side to side, in order to see past an enormously stout woman just in , front of him. "What is it? What is it?" he kept on asking. At last he caught a glimpse—the shattered cart and the fresh, white milk streaming through the strets. "Goodness!" Hie exclaimed, "what ai< awful waste!" The stout woman turned and glared at him fiercely. "Mind your own business!" she snapped. "Be off wi' yer hinsults, yer under-sized little whelp, afore I wipe this acrost yer," displaying a huge palm. AND THE SALESMAN SAID— > He walked slowly up to the counter of the great universal emporium and stammered something about lace to the man behind the counter. "Lace, sir?" said the salesman. "Certainly, sir. We have the largest stock" in the city. Will Valenciennes lace do you? Jones! Valenciennes forward!" "But I only—" began the shopper. "Or perhaps some point lace?, Our lace revolves very largely on the variety." "Well—er—" "We have every variety, sir; don't you worry. We shall be able to suit you." "I know, but—" "Here is the Valenciennes. Not what you require? Then what lace would you like, sir?" "I want a bootlace, please!" A! CLEVER RUSE. "What's in the bandbox, Bill, and who's the girl?" said the first cyclist. "That contains my puncture mending device. I get punctures mended quickly and without lifting a finger," said the second cyclist. "That box contains a lady's skirt and picture hat; when I puncture I've only to don them and wait!" "I'm off to get fitted up, too!" explained the first. BETWEEN FRIENDS. "I don't like my new gown very well," j said the young lady. "The material is , awfully pretty, and the style is all right, but it needs something to improve the shape of it." , ' "Why," suggested her dearest friend, '_ "don't you let some other girl wear it?" ' IF THE TREE COULD SPEAK. . Bishop Seymour was very fond ot trees, and one day while walking witH a [ young woman he pointed out to her some 2 of the fine trees of the neighborhood. She ' professed great interest and delight. She ' cried: 1 "How the noble aspects of beautiful trees stir up the keenest emotions of the s soul!" ' Then, patting a great rough trunk, she " went on: t "You superb oalc, what would you say ' to me if you could talk?" e The Bishop smiled, e "I believe I can be his interpreter," he e murmured. "He would probably say, 1 beg your,pardon, miss; I am a beech.'"