CHRISTMAS HUMOR

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LIV, Issue 152, 23 December 1911, Page 10 (Supplement)

CHRISTMAS HUMOR

I'AIX PRIiVENTEI). 11, was a few days before Clirisinms--1 inKi that two school lads went down t;o tho bunch. One of these lads had got his parents' consent to do this. but-the other had not. The hitter knew that on his return to school he would he punished accordingly. So the other lad. said: "JiOok here, Tom; I've thought of a plan to get you out of that whacking. Ask no questions, hut just beml down ami let mo chalk somethiiv' on the back of your trousers." "All right," answered Tom. Accordingly ho bent down, and let Bill lift up his jacket and chalk something on the place where the cane would fall. The schoolmaster was not long in calling the. two scholars out, asking them to show their parents' written permission for absence. Tom, of course, could not. "Then," said the master to the latter, "bend down for punishment." T'li'o scholar at once did so, and the (master, instead of administering the threatened stroke, broke out iiuto a hearty laugh, and, on recovering himself, he told the young rascal to go back to his place. How could he, imlecd, punish the lad when ho read on his trousers the greeting, "Merry Christmas, sir!" QUITE A SURPRISE. "We have the surprise party beautifully planned," said young Mrs. Westerleigli to the guests, "and Frank doesn't expect a thing; I t'hink he has even forgotten that though this is Christmas it is his birthday. Ho will get home from the office about eight o'clock. Then he always goes upstairs to take off his coat and put on his smoking-jacket for the evening. When he is upstairs I will call out suddenly, 'Oh, Frank, the gas is escaping!' Then he will rush down here, unsuspectingly, to find the crowd of friends waiting for him." It went ofl' exactly as planned. Westerleigh came home at the regular hour and went direct upstairs. The guests held their breaths while Mrs. Westerlcigh called out, excitedly: "Oh, Frank, come down quick! The gas is escaping in the parlor." Every light had been turned out, and the parlor was in total darkness. There was a rapid rush of feet down the stairway; then a voice said, "I don't smell any gas." "Better light that jet," Mrs. Wcsterleigh suggested, tremulously. "Here's a match."

There was a splutter, and suddenly the room was flooded with light. Everybody screamed, the hostess fainted, for there in the centre of the room stood Westerleigh, attired only in dress shirt, with a pair of trousers carried under his arm! Christmas-birthday parties still form a forbidden subject of conversation at the Westerleiglis'.

"What is the height of your happiness?" asked the philosophical girl. "Well, in my case," laughed the pretty Christmas bride, "ho is about five feet ten."

Mrs. Caller: You surely don't give your husband a necktie every Christmas?

Mrs. Athomo: Oh, yes, I do! And the poor dear never seems to know that it is the same one!

Photographer (taking family group): Now, then Mr. Houseful!, the expressions aro alt right but yours. Try and look happy; remember that Christmas is coming.

Mr. Houseful! (despondently): Hang it, maw, that's just what I am thinking about.

Brown: You nwsn't fed disappointed this Christmas, Johnnie. These are terrible times we're having. Little Johnnie: They must l)e pretty hard, dad, when Santa Claus takes the trouble to drag my old bike out of the lumber-room and give it a new coat of paint.

The vicar of a country parish in the 01(1 Country, having sent blankets, groceries. coals and some of the good things usual at Christmas to an old parishioner, a. lady expatiated warmly to him on the reverend gentleman's kindness.

"Don't you think," she asked the old villager, "Unit it is very good of the rector to look after you like this, and send you all these nice things?" "Good of him!" exclaimed the old man, in blank amazement. "Why, what's he for?"

"But, my dear," said the young husband, as he inspected the gorgeous smoking jacket his wife had given him for Christinas, 'T am afraid you spent too . much money on this. Something cheaper would have done just as well." "Now." she pouts, "there you go, grumbling over mv gift, as usual. But this time you are in the wrong. I didn't spend any money on it." "You didn't? Then how on earth did you get it?" "I had it put down to your account." Fa iry I'lim-e: You may have whatever you want: for a Christmas present. Fortunate Person: I think I will choose either a, wife or a motor car. 'Fairy Prince: How foolish. Why do you not select something that you can manage? Mr. Green: No, my dear. T. will not tell you what I'm going to give you for Christmas. Why can't you women be content, to wait and be surprised? Mrs. Creen: Oh. tell me now! If you keep your word I'll be. surprised enough. I'erlcy: Halloa, Jinx! Going to take Christmas quietly? Jinx: No; going to devote it to athletics. I'erlcy: (loud. What kind? Cricket or tennis? Jinx: Neither. [am going to carve a turkey 1 bred' myself for ten people. There's exercise for you! "How did you get those chickens the officer found in your possession?" sternly asked the magistrate. "I I I raised 'cm, y'r Worship," persisted the crime-stained creature. "I reached down through a hole in the roof." Millionaire (to his daughter): Tell me. child--that, young man who wants to marry you this Christmas, has lie got any money ? Miss Innocence: Money, father? Why, he has just given me a cluster diamond ring studded with pearls. Millionaire: Yen, ! know. Has he any money left? Hinques: That fellow saved me from bankruptcy last Christmas.. Binque.-,: Ilmv was that,? 11iin(lies: lie married the girl 1. was engaged to. Mrs. Jones: I have bought my husband some, cigars for Christmas. Mrs. Smith: Cigars? Mrs. Jones: Yes. lie says he is going lo leave oil' smoking on New Year's Day, and L want, to make sure of it. Mr. Sophtie: Well, Willie, your sister has given herself to me for a Christmas present. What, do you think of that? Willie: That's what she done fur Mr. Bunker last year, and he gev her back before Easter. I expect you'll do the