ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LIV, Issue 103, 21 October 1911, Page 9

ALLEGED HUMOR.

VERY GOOD REASON. It was at the police-court. A witness for the defence had been examined, when the prosecuting solicitor stood up to crush him. Solicitor: Why did you hide Sullivan in your house on that Saturday night! Witness: I did not see Sullivan at all on that night. Solicitor (knowingly): Will you swear that your wife did not hide Sullivan on that night?" Witness (hesitatingly): Ye-ei.

Solicitor (more knowingly): Will yojt swear that she did not hide Sullivan in your house on that night? Witness (more hesitatingly): Well—l —don't—think—so.

Solicitor (most knowingly): Ah! And perhaps you can tell the court how it is you can swear your wife did not hide him, while she cannot swear tne same thing? Speak up, now, and tell the trucJi.

Witness (unhesitatingly): Well, you se-;, I'd not a married man.

Stranger: "Which is the way to the Moated Grange?" Boy: "Whoy, yer just go opp theer alongside o' Master Carter's fields till yer coom t' Master Williams's, then yer cross Master Smith's paddock, and oop to Master Jones's till yer gets ter Master Wilks's, and then it's aboot three moile and a half further oop.".

A man in a country town waa recently fined for assaulting a policeman, and, considering himself badly treated, made abusive remarks about the Court as he was leaving the dock. A constable was sent to bring him back, and he was again fined, this time for contempt of Court. "My man," said the magistrate, "if you had been more chaste and refined in your language you would not have been chased and re-fined."

The cricket season was in full swing, and a small urchin was yelling "Latest Extra" at the street corner. He had before hint a large poster with these words:—• "Collapse of Yorkshire." After standing a few moments an elderly lady and gentleman appeared before him. Glancing at the bill, the lady seemed suddenly to be alarmed, and at last she was heard to exclaim: — "Dear, dear! Another of those dreadful earthquakes, [ suppose!" Mrs. Nosey: "I understand from Mjs. Jokose that your doctor is no gentleman." Mrs. Pashence: "Yes, that's true." "Oh, my! Tell me about it. What did he—" "She's a lady doctor." Hicks: "What does Bifkins remind you of?" Dicks: "I bate to tell." "Because it's a reflection on Bifkins?" "No; on me." "T don't understand." "Well, I'll explain. Every time I see Bifkins he reminds me of a little bill I've owed him for over three years." A minister of a country parish, whose congregation were rather tired of him, was one Saturday hurrying to the railway station. Meeting one of his parishioners, a farmer, he told him that he was going away to preach as a candidate for a church, to which the farmer replied:—

"Dae yev best, sir, dae yer best, and I'll gio ye twa cairts gratis tae shift ver furniture."

"You have a fine lot of children, BinlsS," said Hawkins, as after a spin through the country they returned to tho house; for dinner. "How many are there?" "Seven." said Binks promptly. "I've often wondered," said Hawkins, "whether you people with so many children have any favorites among them." "Oh. no." returned Binks, hestitatingiy; "that is to say, not consciously, but of course we are more interested in a 1911 model than in the earlier ones." Tn a, tramcar filled with ladies, a ninety-pound dude sat wedged in tightly. At a street corner a fat; woman, handsomely dressed and with a baby in her arms, got in. The little dude struggled to hia feet and touched his hat politely, remarking, facetiously: "Madam, will you take this seat?" • The fat lady looked at the crevice he luad left and thanked him. pleasantly. "You are very kind, sir," she said. I think it will just fit the baby." And it did. "I should think." exclaimed a traveller, "that you could make good use of these trams by living a little way out of town!" "No, guv'uor: none of ver jerry-built 'ouses for me.'' "Why?" queried the traveller. "Well, last year we took a 'ouse out that way. The boards of the door were so wide, apart that the grass used to come up through the crevices, and me wife used to mow it every morning; then the flowers took to criming up. and the landlord put the rent up, because he said we had a garden!" Visitor: "Oh, T think Lady Gertrude is so verv clever at repartee, vou know." Mrs. Nooriche: "Oh, indeed! Well, T'm thinking of 'aving the girls taught, too. T'm a great believer in these athletic games for ladies." Laura: "Oh. papa, hide behind the door! Charlie is coming, and he'll be so surprised at finding you here." Charlie: "Oh. T say, Laura, I've been down to the station after vour blooming old dad, and got left. The old idiot missed the train." Laura's Father: "Oh, no, I didn't!" Tableau.