ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LIV, Issue 91, 7 October 1911, Page 9

ALLEGED HUMOR.

OUTBID. ".My hid," asked a clergyman of a small "hoy, "who is that gentleman you attend church with?" "Grandpa," was the reply. •'Well," said the clergyman, "if you will only keep him awake during my Vjervice I'll give vou a penny each week." The boy fell in with the arrangement, and for the next two weeks the old gentleman listened attentively to the sermon. The third week, however, found him soundly asleep. The clergyman called the boy to him and said: "[ am surprised at you. Your grandfather was asleep again to-day. Didn't I promise you a penny a week to keep him awake?" ■'Yes," replied the boy, "but grandpa now gives me twopence not. to disturb him."

ABROAD! Young Mrs. Highupp: Going abroad, vou say? But have vou see America first? Mrs. Blase: Oh, there's hardy a spot in New York we haven't visited.

THE BEST THING. "Yes; I have done Europe." "Can you give me a list of hotels to go to?" "No; the best I can do is to give you a list of hotels to keep away from." AN AWFUL MISTAKE! Policeman (to clubman returning home late): Here, you can't open the door with thatj it's your cigar. Clubman: Great Seott! Then I have smoked my latchkey. HE THOUGHT HE DESERVED IT. "Chuggins is fearfuly selfish since he got that new motor ear," said the critical friend. "In what way?" "Every time he honks to warn a pedestrian he thinks he ought to have a life-saving medal."

ALWAYS A RISK.

"'I wonder why Amy is so long answering my letter?" •"Why, you know she's married now!" "But she could write all the same." ''Oh, she probably did write—and gave the letter to her husband." HIS SHARE. "A verdict for £2OOO isn't so bad," | said the junior partner. "How much shall we allow our client?" I "Oh, give him £10," answered the | senior partner. "But hold!" ; "•Well?" I "Don't be hasty. Promise to give him £10." WHAT IT WAS. "Father," said the small boy, "what is a platitude?" "A platitude, my son, is a statement whose truth you are compelled to admit, uttered by some one whom you do not personally admire." REVISING THE NAMES. "What are you laughing at, Mabel?" "I've just got a letter from Cousin Fannie." "I never suspected that you Cousin Fannie was much of a humorist. Where is she?" "In Holland. She says she intends to send me picture postcards from Rotterdash and Amsterdash." THE CAUSE. Teacher: Why did the population of Rome decrease just before the Fall of the Empire? Eager Pupil: My book say 'cause "the Romans had ceased to practice husbandry." A HERO! "Yes, Charlie is as brave as a stack of lions. Did yon hear about his daring a policeman to arrest him?" "No! Ge,e! What happened?" "He was arrested." LUCK! Wise Guy: Speculating in stocks is nothing but "fisherman's luck." Shorn Lamb: Hardly that. I've sometimes gone fishing and succeeded in saving my bait. PRESENCE OF, MIND. "I tell you you can't beat my wife for presence of mind," said the man at the club, proudly. "Listen to this. One day last week an old gossip of our neighborhood called, and I left her and wifie alone in the parlor. "An hour later, having the impression that our caller had departed, I bounced into the room with, 'So the old cat has gone, eh?' Well, as I lifted my eyes, there was the woman herself in front of inc. But my wife—bless her —was there with the goods. "' 'Yes, dear,' she said calmly, T' sent it to the cats' home in a basket first thing this morning'"

NEEDED LUBRICATION. Brown was very impatient that morning, for he was late for business; and the constant stoppages of the motoromnibus almost drove him crazy. He stamped his feet upon the roof of the vehicle, thumped on the sides with his fists, and whenever he saw a wayfarer at the side ot the street raising his umbrella he bcame literally frantic.

"Can't you make the thing go faster?" the enquired, peering down at the driver. "There's only one thing," said that worthy, "that *nd make 'er go faster? 7 "Oil," was the answer; ''but it's a special kind of oil, and I ain't got any." "What kind of oil is it?" was the impatient Brown's next question. '•Palm oil," replied the rlri ,-er, with significance. "Ha ml us down a little."

Farmer: Do you want a job digging potatoes? Tired Tim: Yes, I do, if it's digging them out of gravy you mean.

"'Missus Mulcahv, Oi see be th' papers Dann's been discharged from prison," observed Mrs. O'Hooligan. "Yis," sighed Mrs. Mulsahy. "Danny niver could hold any koind of a job." ,

"What're ye comin' home with your milk pail empty, for?" demanded' the farmer. "Didn't the old cow give anything?"

"Yes," replied the boy; and one kick."

"nine quarts

The doctor stood by the bedside and looked gravely down at the invalid. "1 cannot hide from you the fact that you are very ill," he said. "Is there anyone you would like to sec?" "Yes." said the sufferer, faintlv. "Who is it?" "Another doctor."

Mr. Brown: Is that dog of your smart? Mr. Ridge' (proudly) •. Smart? Well, I should think so. I was going out with him yesterday and I stopped and said; '"Towser. we've forgotten something." And bothered if he didn't sit down and scratch his heaiTto see if hee ould think what it was." . :