ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LIII, Issue 253, 4 March 1911, Page 9

ALLEGED HUMOR.

*— -= £ A RACE FOR A CUP. • -rp ■ -•':.• V !'l "What ate tliofse splendicr cups there?" the man in the jeweller's shop. "Those siVa arc race cups, to be awarded as prices, replied the jeweller. "Well, if that's the case," said the stranger, taking the largest in one of his lands', ''suppose you race jne for this one," He started off with the jeweller after him, but the stranger won the cup! WASHINGTON MINOR. The evidence was very much against Jacky, and yet he stuck to his guns. He had not been to the jam cupboard—in fact, he was not sure that he knew where it'was, or whether he even knew where the jam was. Besides, he was "out playing" when the depredations occurred, and if Mary said she saw him in the vicinity of the said cupboard, Mary's reputation for telling the truth required looking into. "But, Jacky," said his mother, "I also saw you."

i The bottom having fallen out of the ( i alibi in this unexpected fashion, a cloud . came over Jacky's face. Then a sudden l inspiration occurred to him. "Ah, well," he said resignedly, "I ! 'spect that double of mine has been up to his tricks againl" i 1 "Was the play bad?" ; "Well, I should say it was. Why, even the gas went out at the close of the second act." "I wouldn't be in Brown's shoes just now." "Why not?" "He left them in the cellar, and they dumped four tons of coal on them before Brown was up." "The time will come," cried the Socialist orator, "when the laboring man will have the wealthy under his feet. And what will happen then?" "He'll be walking on his uppers," came a voice from the crowd. One morning a group of laborers were discussing the peculiar articles used by men in pie-historic times. One man said he always wondered why stone coffins were used for dead people. "Bedad!" exclaimed Pat. "Don't yez see, a stone coffin would last a dead man all his life." "Love," said the poet, "is a mystic in- •' fluence; it is a message and a response, voluble in a flash of thought. It conquers time and distance, and iU exchang* requires on medium for transmission." "That's not love," said the practical man. "You're talking about wireless telegraphy now." Johnson: Halloa, old man, you're acquainted with young Nickinson, aren't ' you? Do you happen to know what he's been doing lately? ' Thompson: Yes; his employer. Johnson: Indeed! You surprise me. What's he doing now? B Thompson: Six months. "You have been fighting again, my j boy." "[ couldn't help it, mamma. That Stapleford boy gave me some of hk cheek." "That was no reason for fighting. You should have remembered that 'A soft answered turneth away wrath,' and given s him a soft answer." j, "I did. I hit him with a chunk o' r mud." "How much the baby looks like its e father," said the visitor, who meant to be agreeable. j| "It's only the wet weather," replied j Mrs. Rasper. "The child is usually bright, cheerful, and handsome." " An American wag and an Irishman * ; were talking of their vocal powers. b Said the American: "The first time I sang they showered me with bouquets." _ "Faith!" said the Irishman, "the first time I sang 'twas in an open-air concert, and they presented me with a house. But, begorra, it was a brick at a time!" - "Arthur," said the master of a certain school, "if your mother gave you a shilling to buy a pound of sugar at two- t pence-halfpenny a pound, and a «piart«r of a pound of tea at one-and-»ix a pound, and you lost threepence of the change, what would you have when you got j home ?" " A jolly good hiding," said Arthnr, promptly, with a fervor that bore witness to a personal experiene*. f I In a criminal case tried in an Irish court the prisoner's counsel challenged juryman after juryman, and when at C length the empanelling was completed the prisoner bent over the dock and whimpered to his counsel: "The jury's all right now, I think," he a said, "but ye must challenge the jndffe. a I've been convicted under him siveral t toimes alridy, and maybe he's beginning to have a prejudice." "I hope you liked that pudding, Mr. B.;' said the stern mother-in-law. "Poor, dear Clara took great pains with it." "Did she?" exclaimed the son-in-law, with an expressive movement of his hand on his stomach. "So did I." Schoolmaster: Two pints? J Boys: One quart. Schoolmaster: Four quarts? Now, ; then! Next—next? Come, come! Fonr ' quarts make one Little Boy (at bottom of class): Ifakt one tight, sir. "There's really no necessity for man and wife to quarrel," said Mrs. Patter. "We ncTor have any words in this house. When T feel tired and irritable. I wear , a cardinal colored ribbon, and then Mr. Patter lot's me have my own way, and T treat him the same." "Oh-h-h!" said her friend: "I wondered why you'd been wearing red so often lately. That explains ik." j "This new printing machine will de twice as much work, of a better quality, tlinn the old ones." said an agent. "You'd better have one, sir. Tt will ptiy for i I self in twelve month'." ""Will you guarantee that?" enquirgd ] the mnnnotcr. "Yes. sir," said the agent, eagerly; with pleasure." "Then, if they'll nay for themselves, you had bettor send in half-a-dozen of them: but, mind you, I can't pay for them." "Did you toll that photographer you didn't want your photo taken?" "Yes," answered the eminent but uncomely personage. "Did he take offence?" ] "No. He said ho didn't blame m»." Joe: And yon mean to sfly that Un<>k has not married Miss Brown? Whv. the I '. girl was absolutely throwing herself at I him the last time T saw them. I 1 James: My dear fellow, did you ever I ' know a girl who could throw strafglit? I