ALLEGED HUMOR

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LIII, Issue 234, 11 February 1911, Page 10

ALLEGED HUMOR

Contemptuous Waiter (who can stand it no longer): 'Scuso ine, sir, you don't flecm able to get all that soup up with your spoon. Khali I get you a piocc of blotting-paper? Elderly Spinster: Yon know, doctor, I'm always thinking that a man is following me. Do you think I suffer from hallucinations? Doctor: Absolutely certain you do, ma'am. She: How do you account, Mr. Simple, for the publishers always refusing your articles ? Mr. Simple: Weally, I haven't—er—the ghost of an idealistic: Ah! perhaps that is the reason. Jinks: Tired of living on mutton and beef! Why don't you havo a bit of fowl occasionally? Minks (absently): Oan't, very well; none of my neighbors keep poultry. Uncle (to Donald, who had just come home from school): And did you get a good place m your class at the last examination? i Donald: Yes; next to the fire. Miss Neverstop, seating herself between two much-engrossed elderly gentlemen, exclaimed: "A rose between two thorns!" "Nay madam," replied one of them; "say, rather, a tongue sandwich."

Country Cousin: Who's that shabbylooking old man with the bad hat? Town Cousin: That is Levi, the diamond merchant. 0.C.: And who is that young swell with the large rings and diamond pin? T.C.: That's Snuffles, the billiard-mark-er's assistant at the Plough. "Tommy, how dare you beat youn little sister?" Tommy (aged ten): "Oh, if you mayn't beat your own sister I'll chuck up family life altogether!" Sculptor (to his friend): Well, what do you think of my bust? Fine piece of marble, isn't it? Friend: Magnificent 1 What a pity to make a bust of it! It would have made a lov«ly washstand." The Host's Youngest: Don't your shoes feel very uncomfortable when you walk, Mrs* Nurychc? .vlts. Nuryche: Dear me, what an extraordinary question! Why do you ask, child? The Host'* Youngest: Oh, only 'cos pa said the other day, since you'd come into your money you' had got far too big for your boots. "Yes," said the chairman, sadly, "our temperance meeting last night would have been more successful if the lecturer hadn't been so absent-minded." "What did he do?" "He tried to blow the froth a glass of water."

Actors and even supers are very particular about the distribution of parts. In a fairy piece a set of dominoes were represented by men wearing on their backs boards marked with different numbers. A discontented super gave in his resignation, and told the management they must find a substitute. "Why, what's the matter?" asked the astonished director; "don't you g>et paid every night like the others?" "It isn't that at all. I am one of the oldest artistes belonging to the and they ought to have made me the double-six; instead o'f that I am the lowest number—the double blank. Rather than submit to such injusitce I prefer to leave the theatre." "VESUVIUS" VAUGHAN. The popular Old Country preacher, Father Bernard Vaughan, can be humorous on occasions. Once at Trinity, Cambridge, he was asked, as he stood under the famous picture of Henry the Eighth, by Holbein, "What would you, Father, a Jesuit, do if his Majesty were to step forth out of that canvas?" Promptly the answer was furnished: "I should request the ladies to leave the room." "Thank you so much," said a Nonconformist minister to whom Father Vaughan offered a cigar one day," but I was not sent into the world to smoke." "Oh, I see," same the reply; "I quite understand. But as I belong to a Church which prefers to get its smoking done in this world, I hope you won't mind me lighting up." When he was in Rome at a Congress, Pop* Leo XIII. good-humoredly mimicked the Father's style for the benefit of a little group of cardinals. "And he an Englishman!" exclaimed on© o'f the number.

"No," said his Holiness, "He was born on the, top of Mount Vesuvius, and sent to England to cool." TALE OF THE WILY THREE. Mark Twain was a firm believer in the national movement for good roads, and had many a tale to tell about the incredibly bad roads of some sections. '"I once hart thirty miles," so Mark Twain began, "to go by stage in Mississipi. The roads were terrible, for it was early spring. The passengers consisted of five men and throe women—three large well-developed women, swathed in shawls and veils, talking in low tones on the rear sent.

"Well, wie hadn't gone a mile before the stage got stuck in two feet of black mud. Down jumped every man of us, and for tea minutes we tugged and jerked and pulled till Wie got the stage out of the hole.

"We had hardly got our breath back when the stage got stuck again, and again we had to strain our very hearts to release her. "In covering fifteen miles wc stuck eight times; and in going tho whole thirty we lifted the stage out of the mud seventeen times by actual count. "We livo malo passengers were wet, tired and filthy when we reached our destination; and so you can imagine our feelings when we saw the three women passengers remove, as they dismounted, their veils, their shawls, and their skirts, and lo and liehold —they were three big, hearty, robust moil! "As we * tared at them with bulging and ferocious eyes, one of them said: " "Thanks for your labor, gents. We knowed this road and prepared for it. Will you liquor?'"

CORRECTLY ANSWERED. The inspector was examining a class in a certain school. He. undertook to sharpen up the scholars' wits by putting the following question:—"lf I lyid a mincc-pio and gave two-twelfths to John, two-twelfths to Isaac, two-twelfths to Harry, ami should keep half the pic for myself, what would there bo left?" There was a profound study among the boys, but finally one lad held up his hand as a signal that he was ready to answer. "Well, sir, what would there be left? Speak up loud, so that all can hear," said the inspector. "The plate!" shouted the hopeful fellow. He was excused from answering any mo:e questions.