ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LIII, Issue 177, 5 November 1910, Page 10

ALLEGED HUMOR.

11 AT HER PREVIOUS. A well-known business niau, who lives in the suburus and usually goes llomu by the S.3U train, met a friend tile otner day, iind was persuaded to remain ill town for tne evening and attend a smoker. ILe was at a loss for a moment how to arrange matters with his wile, but linally, going to tile telegraph, lie wired: "Missed tne S.;i Traill; do not keep dinner I'or me; will be home later.' It was a good deal later when he reaehed home, and his wife met llilll at the door. "Did you get my message, dearest': lie quickly asked, hoping to forestall trouble. '•l'es," she replied in chilly accents; "and i would like you to explain why you sent a wire at o.'iS telling'me you had missed the 8.30 train?" THE SiLVEU LINING. Through the wild ways of her good-for-nothing husband, a hard-working charwoman had to remove to a little two-roomed cottage, where there w*s scarcely space enough to sneeze without shaking the ornaments from the mantelpiece. "it's hard lines for you to be brought down like this, after what you've been accustomed to,'' said a neighbor. "1 don't doubt you feel very miserable, Mrs. Jones." ''No, i don't," the charwoman stoutly denied. "I'm happier here by a long way than I.used to be in the old plaee. For one thing, when my husband comes home in a brute of a temper, he can't throw ine down the cellar-steps, as he used to do, 'cos there ain't none now!" TOO CLEVER. The clever young man was wandering up and down the platform of the railway station, intent upon finding an empty carriage in the express, which was almost due to start. But, alas! his search was in vain! An idea occurred to him, and, assuming an official air, he stalked up to the last carriage, and cried in a sentorian voice: ■'All change here! This carriage isn't going!" There were exclamations low but deep from the occupants of the crowded compartments, but nevertheless they scurried out of the carriage, and packed themselves away in other parts of the train. The smile on the face of the young man was chillike and bland as lie settled himself spaciously in the corner of the empty carriage, and lit a cigar. "I wish," he said, "that they'd hurry up and start!" Presently the stationmaster put his head in the window and said: "I s'pose you're the smart young feller what told the people this here carriage was not going ?" "Yes," said the clever one. And he smiled a dazzling, seven-carat smile. "Well," said the stationmaster, who was somewhat of a smiler himself, "she ain't. The porter heard you telling them people, and he cut her off!" TWO SIDES TO THE QUESTION. 'Possible Boarder: Ah, that was a ripping dinner, and if that was a sample of your meals, I should like to come to terms! The Host: Before we gang any further, was that a fair sample o' yer appetite ? STILL USEFUL. "You don't play football, I suppose?" said the landlord of a cottage to a prospective tenant. "No." , "And you don't referee, I hope?" "No. Why do you ask?" ""Well, I'm not taking any risks. Y'sen the last feller that took this house refereed regularly at football matches. One day he gave a- wrong decision, and lie was thumped in the back and swallowed his whistle. After that he could not draw a long breath without shrieking like a goods engine, an' as he kept an the neighbors awake at night 1 had to give him notice." "Poor chap. Rather bad for him, wasn't it?" "Oh, 1 don t know, lie's got a good ciib on a lighthouse. Y'sce, on foggv nights he's only got to put his head out of tile window and breathe hard, an he'd scare a licet ol warships oil' the rocks." NO IMPOSITION. A lady palmist was prosecuted, and ■an amusing incident is reported in connection .with the case. One of the witnesses called by the police was an individual who did not appear to be overburdened with intelligence. During a smart cross-examination, defendant's counsel asked him: "On first going into the room did you pay a shilling fee to the defendant?" "Yes," was the reply. "What did she tell you in return for the money?" "Oil," said the witness, "she told me lots o' things—some on 'em true, some on em half-true, and some on 'em less." "Now,' - went on the counsel, after the laughter had died away, "this is the point I wish to get at. Was there any attempt at imposition? Did the lady impose upon you at all?" "Oh, dear no!" was the response, yl knowed it wor all gammon, so there couldn't be no imposition. Besides, it wor abad shilling as I gave her to start wi'!" NOT DEEP. gentleman on horseback asked a lad if the pond'were deep. '•■ No, sir." answered (he lad. Jmt on goin in, the horses went up to its neck -in water. Struggling out. the rider said to the boy: What made you sav this pond wasn't deep?'' "Well. I've seen mother's ducks walk over it." The Lawyer (who is drafting Mr. Snarler's last will and testame,ntj\ Oh. but if I may make a suggestion, can't you Mr. Snarler: Hang it all, who's dying—you or me, eh? The prodigal son had returned. "Father," he said, "are you going to kill the fatted calf?" "No," responded the old man, looking the youth over carefully; "no, I'll let you lire. But Pi I put you to work and train some of that fat off." Constable X.Y.Z., 100: How is it, my dear, that some of you ladies prefer the military to the police? Cook: I dunno, I'm sure, unless it is that the milertary 4ave arms which you haven't, don't you know. Constable: Haven't I? What do you call these? (Left embracing).