ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LIII, Issue 119, 27 August 1910, Page 10

ALLEGED HUMOR.

A TYPICAL DESERT. ' A teacher had been doing her best to instil into the minds oi her class the meaning of the word "desert." ; "So you see, children," she said, "a desert is ;l great place where nothing can grow. Now, Johnnie Tomkius, I don't believe you were listening:'-' " es I was, teacher." "And do you know what a desert is V" "\es, teacher; a place Where nothing will grow." ° That is correct. Now give an instance of one of the world's deserts.'' "Dads head, teacher!'" replied Johnnie.

Old Out: Have you vanishing ink? Tradesmen: Yes. doing to make sure, of no breach-of-promise suits? I Old Gent: Oh, no; going to give my j daughter a cheque for a thousand pounds I as a wedding present. j Shop Walker: Gloves, miss? Yes, you rt'ill liiul the kids' counter on the right. Rising Fifteen (witlierinu'lv): Really! Anil where, pray, shall 1 find the ladies' counter. j One Sunday morning a minister's wife! saw her sou chasing the hens with a stick. She went to the door to investigate, and heard him say, "I'll teach you to lay eggs in a minister's family "on Sunday morning!" ■ i "Before we were married you said you'd lay down your life for me," she! sobbed. "I know it," he returned, solemnly; "but this confounded house is so tiny there's no room to lay anything down."

! "Why don't you try to drive that horse without profanity?" i '"lt wouldn't do any good," answered | the drayman. "It ain't fair to the I 'orse to ask it to start at its time o' | life to learn a lot o' polite words." "I'm sure il don't know why they call this hotel The Palms'; do you ? I've never seen a palm anywhere near the place." "You'll see them before you go. It's a pleasant little surprise the waiters keep for the guests on the last day of their stay. "Yes, sir," 'boasted the hotel proprietor, "that dog's the best rat-catch-ing dog in the country." Even as he spoke two big rats scurried across the office coor. The dog merely wrinkled ibis nose. ''Rat dog!" scoffed the travelling man. "Look at that, will you?" "Huh!" snorted the landlord. "He knows them. But just you let a strange rat come in here once!"

A 'housewife troubled with a plague of flies was visited by a village ne'er-do-well, who offered to kill them off for a shilling and a pint of beer. Both' were given him. An hour afterwards she found the man sitting placidly in the kitchen. "Wihy, Thomas, wihy don't you get to work?" she said. "Waiting for you, mium." "Waiting for me?" "Yes, mum; you catch 'em and I'll kill 'em!" Magistrate: Are you a friend of defendant's? Witness: No; I'm his mother-in-law. Mrs. Buggins: Before we were married you used to say I was the sunshine of your life. Mr. Buggins: Well, I admit that you still do your best to make things hot for me. Sab-Editor: There's a correspondent wants to knows how long girls should be courted. Editor: Tell him just the same way as short girls. , "I notice a man who had a cold in his head has committed suicide." "Poor fellow! Now, what a fool of| a friend could have advised him to tryi that remedy?"

"Now, Mr. Jones, I don't see how, with your salary, you can afford to smoke such expensive cigars." "You're right, sir, I can't; I ought to have a bigger salary." Little Tommy (eldest of the family, at I dinner): .Mamma, why don't you help me. before Ethel? I Mamma: Ladies must always come 1 first. Tommy (triumphantly): Then why was I born before Ethel? City friend (spending the day in distant suburb): Didn't it ever strike you that your servant is impertinently inquisitive ? 1 Subberbs: My dear fellow, it's only the way of a privileged old family retainer. Why, would you believe it, that girl has been with us over five weeks! "Here," shouted the railway official, "what do you mean by throwing those trunks about like that?" The porter gasped in astonishment, and several travellers pinched themselves to make sure that it was real. Then the official spoke- again: "Don't you see that you're making big dents in this concrete platform?" Mamma: I'm afraid that young William will not make yoai a good husband, Jane. k Jane: Why not, mamma? Mamma: He rather neglects his per- ' sonal appearance. Jane: Yes, that's true, mamma, and I am glad you noticed it. I'll see that he makes his personal appearance here every evening after this, instead of only twice a week.

Aii American attorney was addressing a jury 011 behalf of a prisoner. "Gentlemen," lie said, "witnesses have sworn that they saw the accused fire his gun; they have sworn they saw the flash and'heard the report; they have sworn they saw Pete Jackson fall flat; they have saw that this ibullet was extracted from Pete Jackson's body; but, gentlemen, in the name of justice, I ask you where is the evidence that the 'bullet liit Pete Jackson?" A young mother just returned from India had engaged a new nurse for her baby. The nurse came to her and said: "<i don't know what's the matter, mackm, but the little one cries and cries. I pan do nothing to quieten it." The mother thought a moment. Then, brightening up, she said: '•T remember now. Baby's last nurse was a, blade one. You will find the stove-polish on the third shelf of the kitchen cupboard." 'He: Miss Koseleaf's complexion is very delicate. She (without the least touch of malice,, of course): Very; I've known a, single application of soap and water to ruin it.