ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LIII, Issue 95, 30 July 1910, Page 10

ALLEGED HUMOR.

SPEAK IXC FROM EXPERIENCE, j j His head was in his hands, and his hands were shaking with emotion. "Arrali, ye're 100-kin' very sad!" exclaimed Pa trick O'Holihan, ' coining up and laving a hand upon his friend's shoulder. "Oi feel sad!" responded Denis. "Oi've lost me mother-in-law!" ''Lost your mother-in-law?" cried Patrick. "Ay!" replied Denis. "I tell ye, it's hard l to lose your mother-in-law!" ''Hard?" exclaimed Pat. "Bugorrah,! bhoy, it's almhost impossible!"

• EAIIOPMNIXG. They were eloping, in the approved, up-to-dato style, by aeroplane. It was the old, old story of pa refusing to give liia consent, and the turtle-doves refusing to consider it Essential. And now they were skimming through the air at sixtymiles an hour.

"Sweetest Pauline!" he cried ecstaticall v.

"Beloved Christopher!" she cooed, as they passed over a country church. [ Enthusiastically, he leant over to give his lady-love a kiss, and this, combined | with the fact that love is blind, caused his to lose control of the machine. With a fearful clatter, it crashed into the church spire, and a moment later Christopher and Pauline were painfully picking themselves out of the pathway. "Oh, Christopher," she walled at length, between her sobs, "1-1 ook at my n-new dress all torn t-t-to rags!" "Botheration take your new dress," 1 oared Christopher, sorting himself out of the debris. "Look at my right ear sticking up there on the church spire!"

"Aw, I suppose—aw—you don't keep puppy biscuits in this benighted village?" "Oh, yes, sir. In a bag, or eat 'em 'ere, sir?" "Jenkins is a man of remarkable perseverance." "Is he?" "Yes, 'indeed. He has tried six different brands of hair restorer, and he hasn't given up the fight yet." "With twenty thousand pounds," "said a young man of expansive ideas, "I could make a fortune on the iStock Exchange." "Yes," rejoined a pal; "but whose fortune would you make?"

"Well, here I am," announced the fashionable physician in his breezy way. "And now what do you think is the matter with you?" "Doctor, 'I hardly know," murmured the fashionable patient. "What is new ?"

'Mrs. iNbobride: Yes, dear, I was married last month. I'd like you to call and see the pretty little flat I have. Mrs. Jelluse: I've seen him, my dear.

Little Bessie: Mamma, how'll I know when I'm naughty? Mother: Your conscience will tell you, dear.

Little Bessie: I don't care about what it tells me—will it tell you ?"

Jacobs: Tuwed's second wife started going in for spiritualism, but he sooli cured her. Jackson: How? Jacobs: He went with her and started receiving messages from his first wife.

"Well, my little man," queried the minister, wiho was making a call, "do you alwayis do as your mamma tells you?"

"You bet I do," answered the precocious five-year-old, "and so does papa."

Butcher (subscribing to local charity): Well, put me and the missus down for a guinea. Collector: I see—a joint gift. Butcher: Joint gift! No, not that. We're going to give money, not meat.

Farmer's Wife: I hear your son is making money out of his voice at the opera. Byles: That's right, mum. Parmer's Wife: Where did he learn singing?

Byles: Oh', 'e don't sing, mum. 'E calls the carriages!

A Yorkshireman spending an hour at a friend's house had his curiosity roused by noticing the latter searching for the pocket of his wife's dress as it hung upon the wall.

"What's thee going in t'owld lassie's pooket for, William ?" he asked. "Well, thou sees, Teddy, it's like tl»'«. Whene'er I wins a bit I hadn't dare keep it in my pocket, and I know she'd ne'er think o' looking in her own pocket to find any brass."

"Oh, Johnnie, Johnnie," said 1 his aunt, reproachfully, "why is it you never remember to say 'Thank you'?"

"I expect it's 'cause I don't get things given me often enough for practice," answered' the young diplomat, hopefully eyeing a box of chocolates.

A new-made widow called at the office of an insurance company for the money due on her husband's policy. The manager said:

"I am truly sorry, madam, to hear of your loss." "That's always the way with you men," she retorted. "You are always sorry when a poor woman gets a chance to make a little money."

"If that agent calls again," said the manager, "just say I am called out of town this afternoon, and regret that we are not wanting anything in his line just at present."

This instruction, as translated by the junior clerk to the office-boy, read: "If the stout bloke with the barnacles calls again, tell 'im to 'op it. We want nowt."

The scene is a banquet given in honor of a certain celebrity. A waiter notices a worthy councillor feeling the edges oi the knives arranged on the table. "It's all right, Mr. Brown," he declare.?. "Fiery one of 'em has been .«harpeT> ; 'H.' "Ah, that's what a wor afearoJ of," says the great mail "an' T wor just lookin for a blunt i,rf The 'asi time < w >• : eje I cat jnv month!"

Young Lady: You say you were on a raft for six weeks, and had nothing to eat but mutton. Where did you get the mutton from?

Old Salt: Wei, you see, miss, the sea was very choppy!

Teacher: Yon don't know what this word is? Pupil: No. Teacher: What is your coat made of? Pupil: Father's old pants.

"What I want," said the young man, "is to cet married and have a quiet and peaceful home of my own." "Well," replied the man who knew, "sometimes it works that way, and sometimes it's like joining a debating society. Overheard in the street recently Two women just meeting. I "So you have lost your poor dei r husband?" * _ • i"Yes; troubles never come sing Ly. It ftas only a fortnight ago I bought him a *Jew suit of clothes and a new jjair of ooots. ;