ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LIII, Issue 89, 23 July 1910, Page 9

ALLEGED HUMOR.

DWABFIXG THEM ALL. From giants the conversation hao turned, naturally, to dwarfs, and the various accomplishments of the various Tom Thumbs had been related at length. Then the club liar bustled in. "AH those dwarfs .you've mentioned are right enough," he declared airily; "but none of them can compare with a stunted specimen 1 once came across in the wilds of Central Africa."

The audience began visibly to dwindle. ''Now, he was short, if you like," continued the club liar, speaking rapidly. "1 know you are a set of unbelievers, gentlemen, so I will not venture to give you his height in inches; but I will tell you this, friends—that that man was so shoi't that every time his corns hurt him "' "Well?" queried the only relict. "Every time his corns hurt him," repeated the narrator, "he fancied he had a splitting headache!"

A CASE OF UPSET,

He had the no-pound look. His clothes were ragged and tattered, and baggy and battered, but his face was worse, n was dour and sour, and glowering and lowering, and it was quite evident uiat ''somefink was hup."

A fellow-loafer met him at a dark hour, wandering aimlessly in the street. "Yer look hupset, Bill," said the sympathetic one. "Hupset.'*' soared Bill. "I should jest abaht think I am hupset!" "Wot's hup?" queried he sympathetically. .

"W'y, this is hup!" growled Bill. "Our blessed kid's jest set 'isself on lire, and, blow me, if the missus, never regardin' the fact that I'm stoney broke, ain't bin an' put 'im out with my lasfc drop o beer!"

HIS CBIAIE& An old plasterer was called upon to give evidence in a law suit. The opposing counsel tried to bully him. "Your name is John Dobbs ?" "Yes." "Are you the same John Dobbs who was sentenced to eight days' .imprisonment for u?ing bad language ?" "No."

"Are you the same John Dobbs who was sentenced to a couple of years' hard labor for theft?" ''No, that wasn't me, either." "Then you have never been in prison?" "Yes, twice." "Ah! and how long the first time?" "One whole afternoon." "What!—and the second time?"

"Only one hour." "And pray, what offence had you committed to deserve so small a punishment?''

"I'm a house decorator, and I was sent to prison to whitewash a cell to accommodate a lawyer who hail cheated one of his clients."

"The clergyman who will preach this morning, sir, is quite a sportsman. Are you a sportsman, sir, in any way?" "Really, I don't think I ought to say I am. I once kept butterflies, but I've given that up now."

Mrs. J.: John, there must be a lot of iron in your system. Mr. J.: Why do you think so? Mrs. J. Because you invariably lose your temper when you get hot.

Judge: Why did you strike this man? Prisoner: What would you do, your Honor, if you kept a grocery shop, and a man came in and asked if he could take a moving picture of your cheese?

"You couldn't interest that capitalist in your flying machine?" "No," answered the inventor. "I convinced him that it waa practical, but he couldn't see it because there were no provisions made for strap-hanging passengers."

It was reading lesson in a school. Presently the word "heirloom" cropped up, and a youngster enquired the meaning of it. "Well," said the teacher, "an heirloom is something handed down from father to son."

"Lummy," said the kiddie, "that's the funniest name for a pair of trousers I ever heard!"

PolJte shopman (showing goods): Here is something I would like to call your attention to, madam; it is the very latest thing out. Mrs. [Rounder (absently): If there's anything out later than my husband I'll take it, if only for curiosity.

Bobbie: Papa says, '"Honesty is the best policy," doesn't he, mamma? Mamma: Yes, dear. Bobby: Well, how does he know?

Anxious mother: Oh, professor, don't you think my dear little Reginald win ever learn to draw?

Professer Crayon: Mo, madam; not unless you harness him to a truck.

. Old Mr. Dadkins: Ar-r-r-r! So I have caught you kissing my daughter, have

Young Mr. C'ooley: I'trust there is no | doubt about it, sir. The light is quite . dim, and I should feel vastly humiliated ' if it should turn out that I had been I kissing the cook. ! She: Yes, I rather like Harry Fairfax. I think lie's got a soft spot in his heart somewhere. He: Don't know about his heart, i always thought it was in his head. I I "Fancy old Bill, of all people, going into the gunpowder shed with a lighted candle!" remarked the proprietor of an explosives factory to his foreman. "I ' should have thought that would be the ' last thing he'd do." "Which, properly speakin', it were, sir!" responded the foreman. Schoolmaster: What is your father? New pupil: 'E's me father. "Yes, but what is he?" , "Oh! 'e's me stepfather." "Yes, yes. But what does he do? , Does he sweep chimneys, or drive 'buses, j or what?" ! "O-o-w! 2so; 'e ain't done nothin' i since we've 'ad 'im."

Mrs. Upniore (making a call): Why. this is your latest photograph, isn't it? It's an excellent likeness of you, but it isn't so good of baby. Wasn't he " Mrs. Highmus: The idea! Did you think the little darling in my lap was baby? That's Fido! He: Did you ever bear that .lagson's wife speaks two languages? She: Yes. He: What are they? She: The one for company, and the other for Jagson. "Xo: I don't think Henrietta really desires to vote," said Mr. Meekly sadly. "She's merely tired of talking to me. She wants a larger and more intelligent audience." "When you married me you said yo™ were well off," she retorted, after he had refused to buy her a new hat. • "I was then," he answered coldly.