ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LIII, Issue 83, 16 July 1910, Page 10

ALLEGED HUMOR.

I"NTLK RASTI'K' NARROW KSCAI'K. The reputed ailinity between flic Southern negro and unguarded (miilt>-.. is the subject of a story told by Senator Bacon, of Oorgia. An old colored man. notorious for his evil ways, after attending a revival meeting, desired to lead a better life. At a later meeting; he was called up to be questioned. "YVess, Hastus," said the revivalist, "t hope you are now trying to live a Christian life in accordance with the rules of the church. J lave you been steal in;; chickens lately'"

•\o, sail. 1 ain't stole no chickens ob

late." "Aiiv turkeys or pigs?" Hastus, grieved, replied, "No, »ali." ■i am very glad to hear that you have been doing better lately,'' replied the evangelist. "Continue to load a hulv and Christian life, .Rastus." After the meeting was over Radius drew a long breath of relief and, turning to his wife, exclaimed: ".Mandy, if he : d said ducks I'd been a lost niggah, suah!"

WIIKRE HK WAS INTER KSTKD. A In'g, able-bodied man of about middle age shuffled into the Charitable Aid Board's cilice and curtly hade the clerk good morning. "Wot d'yer mean," he began, "by knocking oil' poor Widder Snagg's chantable aid? She's an 'onest, 'ard-workin' woman, whose nose is in the washtub all day, an' it's a wicked shame to rob he; of her lorfur lights."

The clerk took down a big ledger and silently consulted.it. "Mrs. Snagg has 'married again," he said, "and the Board has decided that she is no longer entitled to outdoor relief; and, in any event, my man.'' he added, sharply, ".1 should like to know if the matter is any concern of yours?'' "Concern of mine!" the man repeated. "Well, 1 should rather think so, guv'nor. If you stops the old lady's pay, you stops my daily bit of 'baccer an' quart o' beer too! I'm 'er uoo 'husband!"

THEIR VERDICT. "Fetch in the body," ordered the foreman of a Texas coroner's jury. The body was laid before them. The jury made a careful examination ami questioned, the attending surgeon. "Whar was he shot?'' "Square through the heart." •'Dead in the centre o' the heart! 1 ' "Right in the centre." "Who shot him?" •Jake Daniels."

A dozen, witnesses declared that Jake fired the shot, and Jake himself admitted it. The jury consulted softly ioi some time.

"Well, gentlemen of the jury." said the coroner, "what's your verdict?''' "Waal, jedge." answered the for'-inan. "we've come to the conclusion thai .ihkc Daniels is the dandiest shot in tiiesc parts—and don't you forget it."

AT THE CTIRLSTEXLVG. i i Joe Jobson, a very ignorant and \><y '■ headed chap, presented himself at ill" ' church with his infant son for the cliris- ' tening. The following dialogue then took ! place between Jobson and the minister: , "What name do you give tin's child?' .■ "Peter Ananias Jobson."

"Ananias? I refuse to christen ti child in that name. Do you know wh Ananias was?"

"I don't know who he was, and, what more, I don't care."

"But Ananias was the greatest liar ii all Biblical history."

"Well, that's nothing to me. My baby ain't no liar, so what's the dill'erence? I want him christened Ananias because I like the sound of it." '•I won't do it. I will christen the child ;Peter Jeremiah Jobson." .And the. minister, was.as good, as> his. word, and as he repeated each name he sprinkled a little water on the infant's face.

"And I rub out the middle splash," said the father, heatedly. He rubbed his sleeve across the child's sweet face and sprinkled a little more water over it. "I rub out that middle splash, substituting this one for it, and christen him Peter Ananias Jobson. And that settles it."

BETTER ODDS. He had lately been elected to the club —inadvertently—and his popularity was immediate.

"Look here," he said, "I've been insulted iiuthis club. A man offered me a hundred* pounds if I'd resign my membership. I must do something. Now, what would vou advise me to do?"

The committeeman thought for a moment, and replied, "I advise you to hang on for a few days. You'll get a better OFF HIS DOT.

It was a very hot day, and the teacher was vainly endeavoring to teach his unappreciati've class the rudiments of geometry.

"With the point as the centre," he began, placing one leg of the compass on that point. Then he turned to the boys to make some remark, inadvertently letting the compass slip. Immediately the black sheep of the class raised his'hand and waved it wildly. "Yes, Johnson," asked the teacher. "Please, sir," came the prompt reply, "you're oil your dot."

Country Doctor (who has advised the patient to give up smoking and drinking) : That will be five shillings—advice and medicine.

Patient: Well, here's half-a-erown for your medicine—'but ah'm no takkin' yer advice.

Husband: Xow, Mary, you don't believe all those unpleasant things you are saying. You know 1 would die for yon. Wife: Oh, you aggravate me so; I like men who do things, not merely say them."

"Whv do you always carry your umbrella?" remarked the worst bore in town.

•'Because," moaned his victim, "my umbrella cannot walk."

And purple silence enveloped the landscape for a short space.

"Didn't I tell you last week that I did not want you to call on njiy daughter anv more?''

•'Yes. sir; and I'm not." "You're not? Why—ei—er —-" "Xo, sir; I'm not. I was calling seven nights a week then."

Molly: Mabel boasts of having family jewels. Dolly: Well, I know her engagement ring was in three families before Jack gave it to her.

"lirown's wooden leg has been paining him of late," said Smith to his wile. "How can that lie'.'" a-ked Mrs. Smith, irritably.

••Mrs'. Brown has been thrashing him with it." was the facetious explanation.

"You told him to diet himself,'' slid the youiw doctor's wife. "Yes," replied the doctor. "I told him to eat only the very plainest food, and verv little of "that." ••Do von think that wi+kjndp liii"* "It will help him to puyTVbill. onev-lender: Yonu want to Money-lender: <You want to Iftvrow a hundred pounds? Well, her$ s "> money. I charge 5 per cent, a jfe, ( "' : ''•• and, as you want it for a yearn" 1 ' 1 ' [leaves forty pounds coming to , Vll "-% Borrower (with an air of 'Then if I wanted it for two years, tlrW ' would be something coming to suppose, eh?"