ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LIII, Issue 77, 9 July 1910, Page 10

ALLEGED HUMOR.

THAT HAT THICK. "Excuse mo for troubling you, miss; 'but do you mind my asking whether you would be so very good as to remove your hat?" Thus the pule young man at ily theatre to the lady with the poultry yarn hat in front. No answer. "Excuse me, miss," repeated the; young man; "'but will you kindly remove vour I'hat?" I AT Ao answer. I "Will you please take oil' that hat. 1 ma'am ?" Silence. "Take oil' that bat, please!" I A pause. Then: "If you don't remove that thing, ill wring its blooming neck!" ! AS PER DIRECTIONS. The slops weren't emptied, the beds weren't made, the rooms wern't dusted, the steps weren't cleaned. Hoity-toity! AVhere is Mary Jane? The whole house began the search. They searched in the kitchen, they searched in the attic, they searched in the garden, they searched in the pantry. At long, long last, lo and behold! they discovered her in the coal cellar, sitting on the anthracite and nursing a ghostwhite fact. "Great heavens, Mary," cried the lady of the house, "what's the matter?" I "Oh-oh, mum," moaned Mary Ann. "I

' ain't quite feelin' meself like! 'Ad a cold when I fot up this mornin', mum, I an' so I took some stub" out o' that bottle you gave me last time!" •"Well?" pressed the lady of the house, as Mary Ann hung fire for a moment, moaning. "Well, mum," groaned Mary Ann, "the directions oir tbe bottle said, 'Ten drops for an infant, thirty drops for an adult, and a tablespoonful for an emetic' I knew I wasn't an infant or an adult, so I thort I must be an emetic, mum, an' West if the stuff ain't pretty nigh turned me inside-out!" ___— A Scottish lassie, asked by her teacher: "Why did the Israelites make to themselves a golden calf?" replied With the ever-ready and practical reasoning of her countrywomen: "Well, ye ken, inarm, they hadna' as mue'kle siller as wad niak' a coo." "My Beau," said little Elsie, "is going to be an admiral." ''lndeed!" replied the visitor. "A cadet at present, I suppose?" "Oh, he hasn't got that far yet; but he's had an anchor tattooed on his' arm." "The people 1 lived wid afore, ma'am," said the new cook "was very plain." "Well," asked her employer, ''are we not plain here?" "Yes are, ma'am, but in a different way. They wuz plain in their way o' livin', not in their looks, ma'am." Mummer: To me, Horatio Fitzdeuce, who have played in all the leading roles of Shakespeare, you offer fifteen paltrv shillings a week as salary. Bah, sir! Bah! Manager: Well, in the drinking scene in the second act ther's real beer. Mummer: Eeal fish! Ods fish! Real berr! I'm your man. "Well, doctor, boy or girl?" "My dear sir, you are the father of triplets." "Sure you haven't missed any in your hurried count?" '"My good fellow," said the weary traveller, ''can you direct me to a place where one may get a good drink?" "Well," replied the thirsty native, "I can direct you better to a place where two can get a good drink!" "Why so r>cTis ; ve r lieutenant?" "Ah,'l am'in a frightful dilemma. If I dance with the colonel's fat wife tonight she will tread on my corns, and !i. I don't dance with her to-night the J colonel certainly will tread on my corns to-morrow morning." . . The youth: I'm in business for myself, but I don't seem to he able to meet with any success. The gage; Nobody ever meets with success, young man. He must overtake it. The youth (sarcastically): Of course, you think you know what's what! The sage: Xo. I simply know what •> used to he when 1 was a boy. 1 . 1 A man went into a druggist's shop and asked for something to cure a headache. The druggist held a bottle of hartshorn to his nose, and he was nearly overpowered by its pungency. As soon as he recovered he began to rail at the druggist, and threatened to punch his head. "But didn't it ease your headache?" asked the apothecary. "Ease my headache!" gasped the man. "I haven't got any headache. It's my wife that's got the' headache." Mrs. Dashaway: Yes, while we were in Egypt we visited the Pyramids. They were literally covered with hieroglphics. Mrs. Xewrich: Ugh! Wasn't you afraid some of 'cm would get on you?

Tommy was going round with the Club subscription list, and asked his father for half a crown towards the funds. Being rather deaf, the father said, "Come round to my other ear." Tommy: Father, give us five shillings towards our football club. Father: Come back to the. half-crown ear, my iad!

Father S was remarkable for his ready wit. On one occasion, while travelling on a steamboat, a well-known sharper, who wished to get into the priest's good graces, said: '"Father, I should like very much to hear one of your sermons." "Well," said the clergyman, "you could have heard me last Sunday if you had been where you should have been." "Where was that, pray?" "In the gaol," answered the bluff priest as he walked away.

When tha lady from next door called to complain of Reggie for the persecution of her pet cat she found the youthful offender sitting on the front steps. "T want to see your father!" she exclaimed. "You can't see pa now," the boy replied. "I shall see him instantly," the lady persisted, advancing. "All right," the little fellow agreed, opening the front door and slipping out of arm's length. "Walk right upstairs. You'll find pa in the bathroom takin' a bath."