ALLEGED HUMOR

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LIII, Issue 65, 25 June 1910, Page 9

ALLEGED HUMOR

WH AT iS'IiALLi IT PROFIT HLUt A minister, being an enthusiastic golfer, was almost bro'ken-lioarted by the loss of a match game which had seemed entirely his. After playing superbly he had fallen oil near the end and his opponent had beaten him. This defeat weighed very much on the minister's mind.

On the following Sunday lie rose in the pulpit to announce his' text, and lie began, solemnly—

"What shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world and lose the last hole?"

MIGHT HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE.

In a certan small town a travelling tradesman entered a pub. and called for what is technically known as a "small special." After, drinking it he asked the man behind t'he bar if many motor-ears passed that way. "No, replied the latter. "Why do you ask?"

"I thought you might have token me for a motorist and given me petrol instead of whisky," gently retorted the traveller.

IN AUTHORITY

Perhaps there is nothing grander in this world than a newly-appointed foreman, and Richard, whose appointment was but one day old, fully appreciated his .position. A lady 'happening to visit the works approached him. "Amd who migjht be in charge of this department?" she ae'ked. * "I 1 am, mum," said Richard, proudly.

"Really?" she said in surprise, which Richard took as homage to his position. "Yes," he said, puffing out his chest, "and I'll prove it. Kelly," addressing one of the workers, "you're sacked!"

SHOPKEEPING ECONOMY,

The country grocer was issuing instructions to his new assistant.

"It's only by looking closely after the trifles'," said the proprietor, "that a profit can !be mad'e in these days of sharp competition." "Yessir," came from the boy. : "For example," the grocer, "when you pick flies out of the sugar, don't throw! them away. Dust the sugar off their feet and put 'em among the currants.

"Young Green says he is working for all he is worth."

"Well, I suppose that's another way of saying that he's earning ten shillings a week.

"Did you see sharks when you crossed the ocean, Mr. Spiffkins " as'ked Miss Purling. /• "Yes" replied Spiffikins, sadly; "I played cards with a. .couple."

Youngster: Father', that man over there can't hear it thunder, i Father: Why, is he deaf? • Youngster: No, it isn't thundering.

Visitor: Look here, if I decide to stay with you for a week or two, how much is it going to cost me? Olerk (of the swell hotel) : You can answer that best yourself. How much have you got?

"I wonder why bees make honey?" queried the inquisitive youth. "I suppose," replied his friend, "they make it to cell!"

Mrs. Goodlieart (to woman whose husband has been sent to gaol for wifebeating) : Why <lo you think your husband' will miss you? Woman: He'll miss me because he can't hit me. ,

"When a man is - angry he tells you what he thinks of you." "Yes; and when a woman is angry she tells you what she thinks of you and what everybody else thinks of you."

Husband (at the theatre, to his wife): "I hope you have noticed, darling, that between Acts I. and 11. four years are supposed to elapse, and the .actress who takes the part 1 of Countess wears the same dress. You could very well follow her example."

Deacon: T wish that young Canon Mayberry weren't obliged to preach to such a small congregation. Frivolous Widow: So do I. Every time he said "'dearly beloved" this morning I felt as if I had received a proposal.

Mother: Now, Charlie, you must be a very good boy. You have & nice new brother. Aren't you pleased? Eight-year-old Charlie: Oh, I don't know. It's always the way; just as I'm getting on in the world competition begins.

A well-known lawyer met an old-time friend named Fuller. After a hearty handclasp Mr. Fuller remarked: "You are looking exceedingly well. Aren't you filling out a little ?" "No, indeed," replied the other. "You probably think so because I am looking Fuller in the face."

Old Dame: And what were ye doin' up in Farmer Giles' .paddock? Boy: I were a takin' fortygraphs. Old Dame: Then just ye put 'em back at ohce, ye wicked varmint.

Mrs. Wildman: I can tell you this, Mr. Wildman, if you continue in your present life of extravagance you'll surely pay for it some day. Mr. Wildman: I wish, my dear, that my creditors had the same faith in my intentions.

"What are you crying about, Freddy ?" "I got licked twice to-day." "How was that?" "Teacher caned me, an' I told dad, an' dad went up to thrash the teacher, an' the teacher licked dad, an' dad came home and walloped me."

Jack met a friend of his, and, noticing the glum look on his face, said, "What's the matter, Harry?" "A burglar visited our house last night and stole our three-guinea clock." "But didn't your dog prevent him?" asked Jack.

"That's the point," growled Harry "He stole that, too."

As a train was approaching a station the other day it parted in the middle, and, of course, the communication cord snapped, the end of it striking an old ladv on her bonnet. "What is the matter?" she exclaimed. "Oil. the train is broken in two," replied a gentleman who sat opposite. "I should' think so, too," responded the old lady, looking at the broken cord. "Did thev think a bit of pudding-string like that'would hold a train together?"

Elsie: Auntie, were you good or bad when you were a little girl? Auntie: Oh, I was always .very good. Elsie: 'jUL-TiH.ii* it',6;.,aM mer to toj>afev