ALLEGED HUMOR

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LIII, Issue 53, 11 June 1910, Page 9

ALLEGED HUMOR

"Your husband is of a studious turn of mind, isn't he?'' "Yes indeed. Whenever we have hash he isn't satisfied unless he knows everything that is in it."

"Well, John, what is vour favorite song?"

"My favorite song, Tom, is 'Somewhere the Sun is Shining.' It always reminds me of my dear son, who left me years ago, and, you see, he's a poor shoeblack." i '

"Are you in favor of handcuffs being lined with silk?" asked the inquisitive elector.

"My friend may rely upon me looking after his interests in that respect," "replied the candidate, without a smile.

Exasperated Purchaser: Didn't you guarantee that this parrot would repeat every word he heard? Bird Dealer: Certainly I did. Exasperated Purchaser: But he won't repeat a single word. Bird Dealer: He repeats every word he hears, but he never hears any. He is as deaf as a post.

"What! You haven't heard of our masonic lodge? Why, sir, it's celebrated from one end of the country to the other." "Ah, I see! Your lodge, then has among its members the oldest mason?" "No, sir; it's celebrated as being the only lodge in the country that hasn't the' oldest mason."

"I suppose," remarked Mr. Brown, "now aviators >are becoming so numerous, and are actually holding aeroplane contests, that we may expect to see a weekly -paper published in their interests."'

"Oh," said Smith, "there has been » suitable paper on sale for a long time now." ' "Indeed! What is its name?" "Fly paper.''

A circus man .recently ordered a large advertising poster of his show to imprinted, and -objected because there wu< iio much clear sky in it. "I ain't a-goin' to advertise the sky," he said to the lithographer. "1 paid you to advertise my show. Draw a few camels and stick them up in the 'eavenly blue. J. ain't a-goin' to have all tint good space run to waste."

"What's that boy yelling at?" asked the farmer of his son. '•Why." chuckled the boy, 'he's just yelling at the top of his voice."

'■' l think it's wrong for a married man to gamble."

"It's worse than wrong—it's idiotic. His wife gives him fits if he loses, and confiscates the proceeds if he wins."

Enraged Creditor: I've had enough of mounting these stairs every day to collect this bill. Debtor: Well, I can tell you a piece of news that will .please you. After tomorrow I'm going to live in the basement.

Customer: Why do you wear, rubber gloves ?

Barber: So that my celebrated 'hairgrower' won't raise hair on the palms of my hands. He sold a 'bottle.

'--Subaltern.:.WJigt <m>arth lows doing? There hasn't" been a' Hit signalled for the last half-hour.

Private: I 'Chink wo must 'ave shot the marker, sir!

"Paddy," said a father to his little boy, who Was in the -habit of telling lies, "do you know what happens to liars when they die?" "Well," said Paddy, after thinking a while, "I suppose they lie still."

Pat (newly over, to small boy): Could ye tell me where Misther Flynn lives? Small Boy: Aye; he lives at the heid o' the toon.

. Pat: And, be jabers, how would my best way be to find him out? Small Boy (preparing to run): Ye should gie him a ca' when he's no in.

Doctor (cheerfully): You'll be glad to know it's twins.

Mr. Quiverful (overcome with gladness) : I knew it. It's always been an idea of my wife's that two could live as cheaply as one!

The lady was about to deliver a temperance lecture, and thought it well to get her information first hand, so she interviewed a working man. "Is it true," she asked, "that you working men drink a great quantity of beer every day ?" "I don't know ma'am," he replied; "it all depends. Some days I've seen me drink''eighteen or twenty pints; while, on the other hand, some days I've seen me drink quite a lot."

He rejoiced in the pleasing name of Wood, and he prided himself on his jokes and smart repartee. One day he met a friend whose name was Stone, and naturally a name like that was too good a chance to miss.

"Good morning, Mr. Stone," he said pleasantly; "and how is Mrs. Stone and all the little pebbles?"

"Quite well, thank you. Mr. Wood; and how is Mrs. Wood and all the little splinters?" ,

The commanding officer had surprised the young lieutenant and his daughter trying to occupy the same chair. The lieutenant sprang to his feet and saluted: "Sir," he said, "I have- the honor to report an engagement at close quarters, in which I have been entirely victorious. It now merely Temains for you to give your sanction to the terms of surrender."

A Highlander on his death-bed called , in a lawyer in order to make out liis will. The lawyer, after getting pen. •paper and ink, asked him to proceed. "Well." said the Highlander, "I would like to leave £2OOO to mv wife, and £2OO to each of my seven children, and £SOO to the Church." "But." interrupted the lawyer, in surprise. ' : I had no idea that you were so rich. Donald." "Neither am I: in fact, I've practically naething. only efter I dee the'll a" ken the good will I hae for them."

Clerk: This letter is too heavy: you must stick another stamp on. Country woman: But you'll only make J it heavier if you <lo that.

Mother: Why <li<l you not scream when John kissed you ? Daughter: He threatened me. Mother: Hott"? Daughter: He said that if I did he would never kiss me again.

Winks: Do you ibelieve there is a n»n in the moon? Jinks: Yes, I do; and another thin", he's a Scotchman. Winks: How do you account for that? Jinks: Well, he is in the "high lands," and was bom in "Sky(e),.".