ALLEGED HUMOR

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LIII, Issue 47, 4 June 1910, Page 10

ALLEGED HUMOR

THE HORNED HORROR. The teacher was telling the class about the rhinoceros family. "Now, name some things," said she, "that are very dangerous to go near to, and that have horns." "Motor-cars!" repfiod little Jennie Jones, promptly. LIGHTNING CHANGE. "Maria, who is the spider-legged gawk that comes to see Bessie two or three times a week?" "Why, don't you ,kr(ow, John? That's young Mr. Welloph, the junior partner in the firm of iSpotcash and Co." ''Well, confound her, why doesn't she give him a little more encouragement?"' THE DOG. The verses which Mr. Kipling has attached to the story of a dog in his new book will appeal to an innumerable company of dog-lovers: — Buy a pup and your money will buy Love unflinching that cannot lie— Perfect passion and worship fed By a kick in the ribs or a pat on the head.

NEAR EACH OTHER. Two wretched-looking tramps were brought "before a magistrate. Addressing the worse-looking of the two, he said: "Where do you live?" "Nowhere, sir." "And where do you live?" addressing the second. "I've got the room 'above him, your Worship. A college graduate applied for work at a sawmill. He 'was told to occupy himself with the end of a cross-saw, the other end .being in charge of an old and experienced man. At the end of the second day the young man's strength began to wane. Suddenly the old man stopped the saw for a moment. "Sonny," he said, not unkindly, "I don't mind yer riding on this saw, but if it's just the same to you I wish you'd keep your feet off the ground." She: Did I understand you to say that your friend Mr. Needs waa thirsting for glory? He: Well, not exactly. 1 said he had a glorious thirst. "Tubbs says he's heen making a number of improvements about >his home recently." "Yes, I noticed he's sold his piano." Top (who has dined off hashed mutton) : Bill, waiter^ Waiter: What did you have, sir? Top (sarcastically): I haven't the faintest idea. Stranger: There used to he a firm of brokers here—iSlamm, Bang arid Co. Are they still running? Citizen: I suppose they are—they haven't 'been caught yet.

Friend (consolingly): So you've lost yer job, eh? Well, don't worry about it; I reckon you was only wastin' yer time in a place like that. Young Bill (sadly): Yes, that's what the boss told me wihen he sacked me. Edwin (who .ha 9 been hanging fire all winter): Are you ,fond of puppies, Miss Smith? Miss Smith (promptly): What a singular way you ihave of proposing, Edwin! Yes, darling. And now the cards are out. First Clubman (M.P.): You say I did nothing during the last session in the House of Commons? Are you aware that I asked seventy questions? Second Clubman (political opponent): What an ignorant sort of a cuss you must be. Small boy: iPlease, mister, I want a loaf, and mother says will you make quite sure its one of to-day's, 'cos the one she had yesterday wasn't. Jobson: That's a fine cigar-case you ■have. Dobson: Yes; my wife gave it to me for a (birthday present. Jabson: Indeed! Anything in it? Dobson: Yes; the bill for the case. "You should get your ears lopped, Brian," said a smart tourist to an Irish peasant whom he was quizzing;- ''they're too large for a man." "An'," bedad," retorted the Hibernian, "I was just thinking yours would want to be made larger; sure they're too small for an ass."

Weary (lying under the apple tree): I say, mister, kin I have one of dem apples? Farmer: Why, them apples won't be ripe for four months- yet. Weary: Oh, dat's all right. I ain't in no hurry. I'll wait.

Young artist (innocently): I presume, Miss Fitzdook. you paint? Miss Fitzdook (indignantly, misapplying his remarks): Sir, do you intend to insult

Young artist (very much embarrassed) : Oh, 'pon my word, Miss Fitzdook, don't think for a moment I alluded to the paint on your face. There is a decided chill now.

A Scotsman was hired by a Cheshire farmer. At breakfast one of the famous cheeses of the county was set before him. ■ His master left the Scot at the table, and later, when he appeared for work, said to him: "'Sandy, you take a long time 'Over breakfast?" "Troth, master," replied the Scot, "a cheese o' that size is nae so soon eaten as ye may think."

Daisy: Oh, Dolly, I have had such a nasty, spiteful, anonymous letter. Dolly: Whom was it from? Dolly: I don't know; can you guess? The wicked creature says I am a vain, silly flirt. Dolly: I really can't imagine, dearest; Ibut (refiectingly) I think it must 'he someone who knows you quite well.