ALLEGED HUMOR

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LIII, Issue 41, 28 May 1910, Page 12

ALLEGED HUMOR

"The edge on a razor," said the garrulous >ban>er, "improves .by laying it aside for a time." ' "Tihiait being the case," rejoined the victim in the cliair, 'T'cl advise you to fay laslde the one you are using tor about 2000 years." , "The funeral sermon was simply full \ of parego ;c- mi the defeased," remanded Mrs. M .laprop. "Panegyric, my dear," corrected Mss Straitlace. "It doesn't matter," retorted Mrs. M., ''the words are anonymous." "Are you 'fond of etchings ?" asked the young man who tak-en the hostess' pretty niece from the country down to supper. ''As a general thing, yes," she answered, looking up into an with an engaging frankness that threatened hi'.voc to his heart; "biu," she added, iia.stiiy, ' as he stared to say something pretty, ' "not any to-night, thank you; it is rather late. A small piece of jelly will be sufficient!" *• T!:e musician flung 'his arms aloft. "At 1:;'," he cried, " have fame within my grasp." "Lo.v. so?" asked his wife, who had heard the same things before. "You know Mendelssohn's 'Wedding March,' and the marvellous repute n, brought ihim?" said the musician. "Yes. What of it?" ' "Well, I am going to write a 'Divorce Mardi.'"

The mathematical! professor became \ engaged to a. chairming girl, and one day ', they miade an excursion into the coun- < try with several friends. ' The girl .picked up a daisy, and look- ] /ng roguishly at her nance, began to • pull off the petals, saying, "He loves me ' lot; 'he loves me," etc. ' "Ilhait is needless trouble you lare giv- • ing yourself," said the .precise professor; ' "you should count up the petals of the ] dojwer, and if the total is an uneven , numbeir the answer will be in the nega- • tive; if an even number in the affinrna- ] tive." ', He: We can't go on like this. We'd ! better 'have a separation. Silie: All right. Send me away for a ' year to Rotorua. ] Mistress (to oook, as the debt-collector ' goes): That is my brother, Jessie. Cook: Yes, i know. He was my last mistress' brother also. " Mrs. Aristocrat: Did you ihear what, Airs. Nouveaai Riche said to me at the concert this evening? Mrs. Wellborn: Xo, my dear; do ten me all about it. Mr*. Ar-stocna*: Well, she informed me that she had decided to have a nom de plume in her hat. A 'staunch teetotaller and an enthusiastic fisherman had la 'good stretch of the Dee to fisih in, iamd engaged the services of an experienced'"'boatman. But night after nigifot he came back with an empty creel, and at length departed In disgust. . Whe?i .lie was gone the boatman was aipiproauheri and how it was that a fairly expert 'angler had such a run of 'bad 1 utile. •'A', weel," said the man, "he had n'de w/huiskie, and I took him where there was nae fish." Jones- "dined out" 'with, an old acquaintance tdie other evening. "Don't wait up for me, dear," he saui to Ms wife. "1 may be rather late, and it can't be helped." At breakfast next mornanig he 'wa« stonily- silent; so was the breakfastroom ciodk. "Maria, dear, there must .be' something wrong with that clock. E am saire I wound it .up last night," he ventured at last. "Xo,"' answered bis wife.. "You wound up i'reddiy's musical box instead, and it ■played, 'Home, owee.t Home,' till three ■ in -the morning. The hall clock also stopped, but l see that yo.ni iliiuve left your corkscrew in the barometer." "I never deny ~.•■" wife a wi»h." "Indeed?" "Xo: 1 let her .visih. It doesn't cost. anjtliing." First tall'o.: I lost a good! customer by deatL this week. Second tailor: What wias wirong- with ihim':

First tailor: Haul a fit. Second tailor: .Mercy! Died of the shock, I suppose. Ostensible Head of the Family: Maria, there was a canvasser 'here to-day who wanted to sell me a work oir Hiqnctte and good bjhaviour. Teaches it in six lessons. I ( toid him I'd ask you if you thought we \\ anted it. Real Head: It's all ihii'mMrg,. Jo'hn; it can't be taug*!?*-- in. six 'lessons. I've been trying to Wch it to you for sixteen years, and foaven't succeeded y«t. "H'm!" said Mr. Wickwire. ''here is a great istory in this paper. Tt appears that man advertised for a boy, and the ■same day ihis iwiie presented him with twin sons. If that woes not show the •mine of ad't-rtiisilng, what docs, it show?" i; lt shows that if he confided his business affairs to 'his wife, as a man ought to, lie might 'have saved the expense ot the advertisement," answered Mrs Wickwire. Colored Preacher: 15redren and sistern, dis unseemally levity inns' stop. Dis veer church ain't no circus. Stop dat latiighin' in yo' corner, Br udder Beeswax. Wat's it 'bout? Brudder Beeswax: I don't know wat dey Is laffin at. Colored Preacher: \i dis yeer levity don stop right now, I'll do somelin' ter make you solemn, you triflin s aiggahs. I'll pass de ihat again. To test the safety of the, church steeple, a country vicar climbed it with a scaling ladder—a feat requiring no small 'amount of nerve. He was proud of li'is 'achievement, and talked rather more about it than was, perhaps, con|si stent with moiic-ty. He even, :ti a mcetiin? or parishioners, described, with a wealth of detail, his feelings winse I aloft. i "When T reached tho ton and saw the j hn'ae golden weathercock gloaming in i the SMI light, what do you think I did?'' I he ai=ke(C | An old farmer, looking the picture j of boredom, hazarded a cuess. , 'aV~" ."'"""'"'l ikt>. weathercock." he >ok: Ves. I know. He was my last I "What do you moan, sir V sharply demanded the vicar. "Why. you did it out of the job of crowing," the unperturbed old farmer 1 replied,