ALLEGED HUMOR

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 395, 21 May 1910, Page 10

ALLEGED HUMOR

BLIND OBEDIENCE. A gentleman had a new head gardener who never thought of having a holiday or missing a day from work, and so somew'hiat surprised his employer by as'king him if he could have "nixt Friday off." ' His request was immediately granted; but on the Saturday lie did not show .up, and a, 'week went past, and then a fortnight, and still no sign of Mike. The gentleman reluctantly employed another man in Mike's place. About three months afterwards he was surprised on going into the grounds to find Mike at work just as if nothing had happened. "Where have you been to, Michael?" he asked.

"Well, sor.r, it's loike this. You renumber the day you let me off? I hac 1 to appear at the coort as a witness. When I gets there, I sees the ould gint with the wig on 'is 'eacl and 'is specs on the tip of 'is nose. " 'Michael Dooley,' sez 'e. " 'YiiSj sorr,' sez I. " 'Go into that box,' sez 'e. " 'Right,, sorr,' sez I. "'Swear,' sez 'e. "I (lid as 'e told me, though I doan't use bad language as -a rule. " 'Three months for contimpt of coort,' sez 'e. "And they've just let me out, sorr." Mrs. Gray: What did she say when you told flier I first met my husband in a big shop? Mrs*. White: She remarked it was wonderful wtoat a lot of cheap articles 'were to be picked up in some of those places. Mrs. Gossip: I wonder if it is really true that fish is a brain food? Mrs. Hearsay: Well, I'm sure they have some effect, for every time my husband goes fishing, w'hen lie comes liome ihe's too dizzy to stand up. Hardy Upton (trying on a new suit): Ah, Isiaacs, this suit looks very creditable—very creditable indeed. Isaacs ' (the tailor, excitedly): "S'hellup me gracious! Dot suit vas nodings ov de kind. Dot suit neifer leafs der shop except for ready money. Good gentleman: I wish beer was at the bottom ,of the sea. Navvy: Well, mister, can't say as I does, but my brother wouldn't mind. Good gentleman: Ah! Is tShe noble fellow a staunch teetotaller? Navvy: No * he's a diver. Husband (to his wife): Look! Here are some splendid mushrooms—just 'what you were looking for. . Wife: They aren't poisonous, I suppose, are they? Husband: Oh, no. Besides, if they are it doesn't matter to me. I never eat fcliem.

"Old Grabber ought to be satisfied Avith, the money he lias." "He is satisfied—so much so that he wants a lot more exactly of the same kind."

The Man: I wish you would endeavor to show me a little more affection. You never even call me 'dear,' as other men's wives do! The Woman: Do other men's wives call you 'dear?'

Lady Gusliington (to great tenor): You sing tlliait last song beautifully. I was in the supper-room, but I heard every word. You have improved; you have, really! The Great Tenor: But—l tiave not yet isung. I am next!

"Dear, oh, dear," .sighed Mr. Sallow-

day, "I wish 1 knew some good way to acquire an appetite." "Nonsense!" exclaimed his wife; "wihat do you want with an appetite? It would only give you dyspepsia."

Her ladyship: Have you given Fido his soup? Buttons: Yes. 'um. "And 'his omelette?" "Yes, 'um." "And his cutlet?" "Yes, 'um." "And his jelly?" "Yes, 'um." Her Ladyship: "Then you may have isome bread and cheese and go to bed."

"I received youT Majesty's message," said the new missionary. "Did I understand you would do me the honor to call upon me and dine 'to-morrow?' "Almost correct," 'replied the cannibal chief. "I said I would call and dine upon you to-morrow."

After ire,proving her eldest son for the offence of cigaTette-smoildng, the mother thought she would improve the occasion still further, and enquired of a younger member of the family, aged twelve, if he had been smoking 'also. "No, motlher," was the reply; "I have given it up,"

"Do you see that man going along with his head in the air, sniffing with hia nose ?" "Yes; I know him." "I suppose he believes in taking in the good, ipuire ozone." "No; he's hunting for a motor garage, I believe."

Mrs. Brown: Josia'h, I am afraid John has caught 'the measles. He's been playing with those lkestein children. Mr. Brown: If the children are anything like old lkestein, Maria, they won't give the boy the measles or anything else without a mortgage 'and 8 per cent. \

The sexton of a small church raises a few chickens in a small enclosure in ihig back yard. The eggs of these he seHs to some members of the church. On 'a Saturday one of 'his customers asked him if he could spare a dozen eggs within the next two or three days. "Oli, yes, ma'am," repued the sexton. "I'll bring you a dozen fresh ones tomorning." "Oh, no," protested toe 'housewife, "I should not want you to bring them on ■Sunday, John." "Well," replied John, "all right, ma'am, if you say so; but it don't make no difference to the hens."

Scene: A ternpenance meeting. Lib-eral-minded. townsman in the chair and rabid temperance speaker on his feet. Speaker (in a very excited manner): "For every glass of strong drink a man takes he shortens his life by one week!" Chairman (at the end of the speech): "Did I understand you to say that for every glass of strong drink a man takes ho shortens ius life by one week?" "Yesi," said the speaker. "Well," .said the chairman, "I hiavo just been reckoning it out, and I find I ought to have died about 500 years ago."