ALLEGED HUMOR

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 389, 14 May 1910, Page 10

ALLEGED HUMOR

FATAL. The prison chaplain was going usual round, when one prisoner in some way took his fancy. This prisoner evinced a religious fervor as deep as it was gratifying to the chaplain. "Of what were you accused?" the prisoner was asked. "They say I took a watch," answered the convict. "1 made a good light. I had a smart lawyer, an' he proved an alibi with ten witnesses. Then lie made a strong speech to the jury. But it wa'n't no use; I gets -ten years." "1 don't see why you were not acquitted," said the chaplain. "Well, sir/' explained itlie prisoner, "there was one weak p'int about my defence—they found the watch in my pocket." A REDUCTION. : A party of amateur pigeon-shooters some time ago arranged for a match, and ordered thirty pigeons from a dealer in a. neighboring town. The shooting •was of a really wonderful character; but the actual performances need not be described in detail. The net results will be gathered readily from the following note, which was subsequently received from the dealer. It ran: "Gentlemen,—l beg sincerely to thanic you for your order, and to intimate that I shall be only too happy to supply you with any number of birds on future occasions of this sort. The whole of the thirty birds, for which you paid me eightpence per head, returned home in safety, and, moreover, brought with them .a stray pigeon. My price to your -party henceforth will be sixpence per dozen."

EMPHATIC. Old Spurr, the keeper of a Northern lively stable, would never allow a. horse out of his sight without giving the hirer strict injunctions not to drive fast. One day a caller asked for a horse to attend a funeral. "Certainly," said Spurr, and then, forgetting the solemn promise for which the customer wanted the horse, he added, as usual, "Don't drive fast." "Look 'here, old 1 man," was the reply, "I would like you to understand that I shall keep up with the procession, if it kills the horse." COULDN'T HIDE IT. Bridegroom (at the first stoppingplace): It's no use, Clara; we can't hide it from people that we are bride and groom. Bridge: What makes you think so, George? 1 Bridegroom (dejectedly): Why, here the 'waiter has brought us rice pudding. COMMERCIAL CANDOUR. A large firm lately received from another firm this letter: "Dear Sir, —To-day we have given your Mr. Blank an order, thanks to his colossal impudence. Where did you find him ?" Mr. Blank bad only just started on the road, and this was an order from a firm that all his predecessors had canvassed in vain. The head of Mr. Blank's fiiani called him in and questioned him about the charge of "colossal impudence."

"Well," tlie young traveller explained, "you told me to adapt myself to all manner of circumstances, and' behave to possible customers in their own way. In this case the head didn't look up for three minutes after I went in, and then he said: 'Well, what blood-sucking firm do you represent?' I gave him your card and said, 'These rotten vampires, and it seemed to tickle him." SURE SUOCESS. The ambitious young woman was attracted by an advertisement, one line of which read: "How to Become an author." The advertiser claimed that by his method, failure was impossible. So the ambitious young woman sent on the necessary trifling sum of money, and bv return .post she received a slip of .paper on 'which was printed this bit of advice: "Write isomething." "But," she protested by letter, "I have already done that, and it 'hasn't been printed." "We congratulate you," was the reply. "If you have written something you already are an author. Publication is a minor consideration, with which we have nothing to do."

NO USE FOR IT. Tourist: This, seems to be a very dangerous pass. I wonder there is not a ■warning board up. Guide: Yes; there was one up for two years, but i\o one fell over, so it was taken down. A "PUT AWAY." Mabel: Mr. Walls and I were out on the balcony between the dances, ;and he got the sleeve of his dress coat marked 'with red from one of the posts that had just been painted. Wasn't it a joke? Maud: Did you go near the post? Mabel: -No, why? Maud: Oh, nothing; only you have red paint all over the back of your waist. CHARITY. Two men, named Jones and Brown, one day attended a certain village church tea for which the tickets were sixpence each, the proceeds to go to■wards providing <a tea for the aged poor of the village. Jones, after consuming ten cups of tea ; eight ham sandwiches, four plates of 'bread and butter, two tea-cakes, five jam tarts, sind four small buns, was passing his cup for the eleventh cup of tea, when he turned to Brown and said: "I think that everyone should come and encourage a thing of this sort, as it is for a good cause." SOMETHING FORGOTTEN. After months of saving and eager anticipation, the Jones-Smiths had at last boarded a steamer to take them to their starting point. The steamer was dancing merrily over the foam-topped waves j when Mrs. J.-S. remarked to her lord: "Alfred, I suppose you got all the things on board safely?" "Yes, m'dear." '' "" " "Did you bring the lamps and the foot-pump?" "Certainly." "And the can of oil end the stick of chain lubricant?" "Of course." "And the new adjustable spanner, and some spare spokes, and the tyre-repair-ing outfit?" "Oh, yes. But, goodness gracious! if I didn't " "Why, what's the matter?" "Matter, woman? Why, I forgot the bicycles!"