ALLEGED HUMOR

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 383, 7 May 1910, Page 10

ALLEGED HUMOR

BE REASONABLE! • Solomon and Moses, while walking by the canal, saw a notice-board 'which stated that five shillings would be paid to whoever rescued another man from drowning. It didn't take them more than a minute to arrange that one should fall in and be saved by the other, and the "stakes" divided.

In went Sol, and found it rather deeper than he expected. However, die splashed about, crying: "Come on, Moses! Save me!" Moses hesitated.

"Sol," he said, "I've been reading that notice-board again, and it says, 'Ten shillings for a dead body.' Now do be reasonable."

Wife: A tree, you know, gets new clothes every spring—hat, parasol, and everything. Husband: Yes, darling—and makes them all itself.

Customer: Is it true that condiments have gone up? Restaurant-keeper: Great Scott, yes! Even the catsup.

"Honesty, my son," said the millionaire, "is the best policy." "Well, perhaps it is, dad," rejoined the youthful philosopher; "but it strikes me you have done pretty well, nevertheless."

First Lady: How very happy the bridegroom looks! Really, it is pleasant, to see a young man looking so joyful. Second Lady: Hush! That's not the bridegroom. That's the man the bride jilted six months ago.

"He used to kiss me every time we passed through a tunnel before our marriage," said the little woman, with sad reflections. "And does he not do so now?" asked a bosom friend. "No; he takes a drink.

"I want to look at some canes," said a magnificent young man to the shopkeeper, "and I'm in a great hurry." "Yes, sir; yes, sir," responded the shopkeeper, very much flurried. "Here, James," to shop assistant, "show this gentleman some hurricanes."

Doctor: I don't think it is anything very serious, but you will have to stay in bed at least two weeks.

Patient: Doctor, do you know that this is a pound-a-day hotel? Doctor: Yes; I am a friend of the proprietor.

The brave ship was wallowing in the waves that threatened to engulf her at any moment. Hastily the captain ordered a box of rockets and flares to be brought to the rail, and with his own hands ignited a number of them, in the hope that. they would be seen and the passengers and crew rescued. Amid the rockets' red glare, a tall, thin, austere individual found his way with difficulty to the rail and spoke to the captain. "Captain," said he, "I protest. We are now facing death. This is no time for a fireworks display!"

Hob: Would you like to see women voters at the polls? Nob: Yes, indeed.. At the North and South Poles.

,: Tt) what do you ascribe your success in acquiring money?' "Partly to the success of other men in letting go of it," replied the great financier.

"My husband is particularly liable to seasickness, captain," replied a lady passenger. "Could you tell him what to do in case of an attack?"

" 'Taint necessary, mum," replied the "captain. "He'll do it."

"After all," said the optimist, "you must admit that this is the best world you have ever been in." "Yes," replied the pessimist; "but, hang it, my wife is the best wife I've ever had, and that's not saying much for her."

Bachelor: Before the wedding you told me that married life would be one grand sweet song.

Benedict (gloomily): Yes; and since then I have found it one grand, sweet refrain. Bachelor: Refrain?

Benedict: Yes; my wife insists that I must refrain from cards, refrain fr n m smoking, and refrain from the club.

A stout woman entered a crowded car and took hold of a strap directly in front of a man seated in the corner. As the car started she lunged against his newspaper and trod heavily on hia toes. As soon as he could extricate himself he rose and offered his seat.

"You are very kind, sir," she said, panting for breath." 'Wot at all, madam," he replied. "It's not kindness; it's simply self-defence."

It was her birthday, and the loving little wife moved her low chair close to her husband's side. He was reading. She placed her dear little hand lovingly on his arm and moved it softly towards his coat-collar. He felt nice all over. He certainly expected a kiss. "Hubbie!" said she. "What, my dear?" "I was just thinking " "Were you, my love " "I was just thinking how nicely this suit of clothes you have on would work into a rag carpet!"

"I suppose," said the cynical bachelor to the young- bride, "that your husband's love is firey hot?" '"Well," admitted the bride, "'taint so hot that it will kindle the morning fire."

"This beetle paste I purchased here doesn't seem to kill the beetles at all."

"Ah! you see, madam, the properties of this preparation are not to kill the •beetles at once, but to undermine their constitutions."

An inveterate wit and punster asked the captain of a craft loaded with boards how he managed to get dinner on the passage. "Why," replied the skipper, "we always cook aboard."

"Cook a board, do yonl" rejoined the wag; "then I see you have been well provided with provisions this trip, at all events." '

Dr. Wood, the popular head master of Harrow School, once told a capital story of a. boy who missed a battalion drill, which is considered a somewhat serious offence at the famous school. The doctor summoned the lad, an American, to his study, and thus addressed him: *"Do you know, as the honorary colonel of the cadet corps I can have you shot, and as the head master I can have you birched 1 Now, what sentence do you prefer?"