ALLEGED HUMOR

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 359, 9 April 1910, Page 9

ALLEGED HUMOR

lloi>cmau: lou aunt nu;.n IU say you came oli ai mat uit oi a leiue.' Uecumhcni t'licuu; ieme: liieat ti cot, man. no! | caught in i.a td#giapn wires. I ' :i ' i' (l > : i \\iiiiL a ui casloroil. iJruggist : 1),., you waul the kllui vo/1 can't taste'.' . i«»> ( a!i\i''us to gel even); 'So, sir, it's tor mother. Landlady (aii>wvring a i'cijiiesl for •butler uisieail oi drippingi: rnanue of diet, imicud: a moniniietii of .-tremith like you': Nonsense! Boarder: l.tiii. my dear madam, constant iiripjiiug wear? away a stone. "\ou look sweei enough lo kis-." said tile impressed man. "So many gentlemen tell me that." toyly answered the fair girl. "Ah. that should make you huppv." "I'Ul they merely say lhat," she replied. 'They merely tell me the facts of Idle ease, and never prove I heir statements.

drowning: 1 hear you are engaged to that young widow who is vi.-itiii" relatives here. Is it true';

Greening: Yes. lirowuing: How did you discover that she was- the one woman in ihe world for an old bachelor like von? Greening: Wily, sheer—told me so."

"But. your worship." said the prisoner. "I am not guilty of this crime. I have three wilne —e< who will swear that at the hour this man was robbed I was :n in Mil i* at my own chambers, taking care of the ba.by.'' "\es, your worship," glibly continued the prisoner's counsel in explanation, "that is strictly true. \ie can prove a lullaby, your worship."

Mrs. Knicker: I suppose you've missed your husband terribly since he's been away?"

Mrs. JWker: Oh. dreadfully! He makes such a splendid fourth at bridge.

Employer: What! You want another rise? \on are .getting seven shillings a week now.

Office-boy.: Yes. sir: but I'm engaged now, ami my girl wants to be taken about.

Post Office Clerk: You've put two penny stamps on your letter. The postage is only one penny. Old Irishwoman: siiure, nivir moind. My son's in the Post Office, so it'll hilp towards his wages.

The Thomas Cat (surveying his reflection in the family water-bucket): "One ■ear gone, one eye closed, thirteen gashes, part of the lower jaw missing, and nothing left of the whiskers but stumps. What a glorious old time 1 must have had la-i night!"

A grocer enjoys the unenviable notoriety of selling the worst goods in the district, but he has not recovered from the shock he got the other day when a lil.Ce !.;iri came iiiio the shop and said: "My ma sent me for two pounds of your best tea to kill rats with, and a pound of finest ham, and mind and cut it in good thick slices, for it is to sole and heel my-dad's boots."

Good Man: Ah, my poor fellow. I fael sorry for you. Why don't you •work? \\ hen I was young, for fen years I was never in bed after five. An hour's work before breakfast, then five hours' work, then dinner, then four hours' more work, then supper, then bed, then up again at live next morning Loafer: I say, guv'nor, where did ye sfcrve time—Marsland Hill or Mi. Eden?

Great Statesman (after being eal'led out of bed at 2 a.m. and graciously submitting to a lung interview oil tile political situation in a cold room): '"And now, may 1 ask, my young I'riend, if you w;!; kiiuii.. .-fii.i me t.wenly fojiii>of this interview when it appears in the great daily you so ably representV Dear Y.E. (briskly): Oil, this ain't for no paper! You see, 1 belong to the Suliool of Journalism, and had orders to work ii]) a rush interview with some •wel'l-knowii politician, so 1 just came to gee you. .Much obliged, sir. Good morn-

Tommy (after a long, lingering surrey of his uncle, who had lost an arm and a leg whilst lighting for his couutry): "Ju that why yon are on half-pay. wnele?"

The Lady: Your little boy does look queer. D'ye think there's anything wruiijr .v.'ii :i == - ..r Her friend: Physically, indeed! .W, I'm sure there ain't, 'li 'asn't 'ad a drop o' physic in 'is life. "Oh, I'm in such trouble! My little Willie's got lost!" "Well, wel i, it'll be all right. Every one in the neighborhood knows liini." "Oh, nuibody'll know him tu-dav. because I've jnst washed him!" Eeathci'stone: Thnt Miss Twilling VO" i;: :I;■• 'IU <f is ;1 Very poliie girl. .1 ca lied oil her last night and asked her if she wouldn't sit down .in the only arm-chair in the room, and what do you suppose she said? liingway: i can't imagine. Eeatherstone: She said, "After von."

"No, my deal'. I don't wish to know the limn: uwither would you if you knew liow he made his money." i'ie- || ( iu>e hi J'nrk l.uie. and lie's on l lie ■Stock Exchange." "So lie may lie; lint, I've heard ho made all his money by buyinc; Kaffirs. hi lid T really understood' dial, that horrid traffic in black men had ceased lonn il!(0." Indignant Passenger (to railway inan(iger): '"Here. I sav. I uot a cinder in my eye from one of voiir beastlv engines. and it en-! me *en shillings for ft doctor 111 yel it (ill! and dn'ss Hie eve. Now. what do you propose io do in the mat for?" I'ailwav .Mummer: "Xolliiiia'. my dear sir. nolbiii!>'. We have mi lise for Ihe cinder, and vou are perfectly welcome to it. No doubt. -triollv speaking. yon did ■m 11IV wilb "iir prooerl v--t lie cinder, of

course, was not. voiirs--hut we do no) care to make a fuss almul such a small matter. Prav do not <>-ivn llie incident a moment's thought." ■ ; "When a youmj man propose? yon should always be careful and test his , l'"e." ciuPoaod til" conservative chaperon. i "Rut I jro one better, auntie." twittered the prottv Lrirl. 'T)o vou see this ■tinv bottle?" "Yes. Docs it, contain perfume?" <r No; it contains acid. I tost the engagement ring." t