WIT AND HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 277, 31 December 1909, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOR.

CASTIjo FL'RIOSO. It has been lontcnded that, despite his unpaid debto*tnd his pugnacious proclivities, Preside:! Castro—who has been ucposut by Gcueljil Gomez—whose visit 10 Europe has b|cn causing such widespread interest, i{ a man to be thankful iur. Certainly, he is a romantic figure in an unroinauticiage. . ite is a master (if revolutions, a prince ot plots, a king o[ discontent. One imagines him with ij stiletto in one hand, and a huge cigar 'in the other, a mammoth puna-ma upon his head, and a crimson bandage hpundi about his brow. And Cipriano Castro is by 710 means averse from pleasure. An American official onte took some important telegrams to his mountain retreat, and lound him at an optn-air picnic, dancing under the trees with a lot of peasants. "You cannot talk about business," a high official said. ''See, his Excellency is dancing!'' "Can you tell me/.] the American said ironically, "when President Castro will u.ip dancing?" Whereupon Castro's right-hand ntaa threw up his arms, with a gcn.i : "Who can suy? tie has been doing it for the last live days!"

. A "HAND" hU't THE ACTOR. Few theatre-goers, who have not a practical knowledge of the actor's art, , can have any conception of the stimulus supplied by a hearty round of applause, or a "hand," as it is vailed in theatrical parlance. One of oifti prominent actorma,nagers expressed the opinion that the absence of this recognition damped the spirits of every number of the company; and, speaking wr himself, states that it reduced him ton state of abject "funk." Some nights seem better for good "hands" than others. Fridays and Mondays are bad "baud" nights, and it is probable that on these days many representations sufferUn consequence. On Fridays the aud*fce are thinking of the coming week-en j, whilst on Monday thoughts arc 'distracted by the worries of the week. .'] A7l encore is a blessing to any player, although from the workers' point of view they may be overdone. A good encore story'is told of Sims Beeves, whose performances were interrupted by the perfervijl applause of a well-known hatter, whoiuscd to attend his concerts and loudlyi. demand double and triple encores. One day he entered hW admirer's sbflp and asked for a hat, which was duly paid for. "Encore!" snid Reeves.'l A second hat was forthcoming, and.eventually a third and fourth. "Send the.jjfto this address," said the great tew\r; "but I shall only pay for one. The other three are encore hats. If you make me sing songs for nothing, you must supply mo with hats oat the same terms!" •

Boarder: "What's for breakfast? Hope it's not bam and eggs again." . Servant: "So, sir, not liam and eggs this morning." Boarder: '•Thank goodness! What > Servant: "Ham." p—- ... t "You see, I'm faimliai't with your music," remarked the amateur pianist, after his performance at the concert. "It seems su," replied the popular composer. "At any rate, you look u great many liberties with it." ' . Daugulcr: "Ob, but in-ill are so hidcouslv lacking in self-control!" Mother: "Don't get fcverilli about it, dear. If they weren't, most (girls would die old maids." * -How do you like your alaTnsflJ(s|#® asked the jeweller. "First-rate." "You didn't seem pleased villi it at first." "Xo; but it's broken now."

I Father: ''lt's singular that whenever I want you to marry a man yiu object, and whenever I do not want yo.u to marry one you straightway insist on it." Daughter: ''Yes; and whenever we are agreed the man objects." A new constable was on of the Loudon police conducting a prisoner to the "Mind the ster^Miesaid^J^Ranie to a coru^|^lfl|^fe^^BHk rigli tt^^^^^^^^^^H th^^^^^^^^^^^^H wii^^^^^^^^^^^^^H that doi^^^^^^^^^^^^HP telegram this lu,! where to go to save on H carpet-broom warns me that you are thinking of it too much." \ A vomig lieutenant of a regiuicntwas one day visited by one of his fashionable friends. He was ushered into; the lieutenant's tiny sitting-room, and oil ta'kiiij} his departure glanced critically r.iuud the small apartment and said: "Well, Charles, and how much longer do you mean to stay hi this nutshell?" "Oh, until I become, a kernel (colonel),'' replied the young officer.

During the war between thej Northern and Southern States of America a stranger observed an old darky sitting in the sun peacefully chewing tobacco. "Why are you not fighting?" said the stranger. "Don't you know that your country is tearing itself to piecos over vou ?" "Say," replied the darky, "did you ever see two dogs iigKl over a hone?" "Why, yes; but what's that to do with it!" "Did you ever sec de bone fight?" Shop Bov: "Oh, oh! The shop's on fire. Fire!" Linendraper: "For mercy's sake, keep quiet and bring me a bucket, or you'll have the whole fire department round here squirting all over my stock before we can put the fire out."

''George,'' said the maiden aunt reprovingly, shaking her finger very solemnly at her small nephew, "there were two mince-pies on tlie birder shelf this morning, and now they have disappeared. 1 didn't think it was in you. 1 ' '"Tisn't all in, me," blubbered the wee boy; "one of 'cin"ts~in Otfennic." . - A Highland minister who was rather a pompous gontlnnan came to a shepherd's huu.,e to baptise a child. "Are you prepared?" he asked the fond parent. "On ay, niuiinister; I have got a grand ham for ten." "I mean spiritually prcpara!," Unuidered the cleric. "Af cporse I am; oh, yes. I jot twa bottles o' first-class whisky from the inn," replied the imperturbable Celt. ,

This jerry-building story was told by a mason at a. recent debate on municipal housing. He and his family were Bloving, and he was deputed to take down the pictures. It struck him that U'o nails on which the pictures were hung would probably save him a peany or two. But no sooner lad he drawn the first than there was an awful cUtter in the next room, followed by an agonised cry from the wife: "Whatever arc you doing?" He replied that he had only taken a nail out. "Why, you booby," came from the other room, "didn't you know I'd hung the best clock on the other end of it?" "Mrs. Small,'' said-the lodger to his landlady, "I thought you didn't allow smoking in the sittiig-room ?" "I don't," replied Mrs. Small,- with energy. "Who's doing it, I'd like to ltnow '!" I "Well, if you ha*e time you might step in and remonstrate with the chimney." "Do you give youj wife an allowance, )r does she ask ylr for money when she wants it?" "Both." I