ALLEGED HUMOR

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 262, 11 December 1909, Page 3

ALLEGED HUMOR

| A SUKIi SIW.N. Tlit' member fur Jloiik&lium seemed disturbed ill mind. "I'erkin.s,'' In- said to his private secreUry, "have I done; aiivtliiug iiiielv io make myself unpopu- ' hn-r think not, sir."' I "l*ou luivo not received any letters oi complaint, nor been inleniuwed by any discontents during the last month or so?"' "Cerlaiiily not, sir. 1 .should have told you at once. 1 ' " on have not noticed any antagoji-i.-Lie tendency in the leading articles' o£ the local I're.-j.s?" , ! ".No/' l ; ".Nothing'/' I ".Nothing, .sir. Why do you ask?" ' ''Well, i'ci'kins, I'm not ijuitc easy . u'jout tiie inuLler. 1 am fairly certain there is an undercurrent of unfriendly j iidluence at work in the ••onsulueiicy. s Vou know, oi' course, that there is'a tnd of Llirec|>ennv cigar< naive i 'after ; jlie!" ' I , l 'le,s ; sir." '•i.Miite so. Weil, iiiiw tiiey are selling' them at seven for a shilling.''' j i r.\Tu:wn,nii,.\TAßi'. ! A good slory i* going the roiiiuU' at! ~ present. about a well-known barrister.j [ aad it will be merciful perhaps to sup-! (' 'press his name, lie is uit noted for his .■' guod look.s. lie was eng.iged to defend a motorist who was alleged to have run into .ji .1 horse and trap. ■'-Now, be careful,'" lie said to Ua .f p-uitm. "Does he shy, or does lie 1101!' li "lie ilai;.-". sir."' "lie docs, Oil? And wlrat does lie shy at!" "At IoU of tilings, sir." i' "At lots of things! That is no answer. Toll me some particular tiling ' he'd shy at." i- "Well, he'd certainly sliy at you, sir,' i- suid the groom. d Customer: ''.Arc you Sure this is real - Ceylon tea';" I. Well-informed Young Assistant: "Ccrs. tainly, sir. Mr. Ceylon's name is 011 s, every package." tf - * * * .Madame: "I don't know where our ■- son gets all his faults from; I'm sure) d he doesn't get them from me." .Monsieur; ".\o, you're right there; is you haven't lost any of yiours." "But what can you do, young man! ; Haven't you some special taient or taste " -some bent, as' they say!" Applicant (dubiously)": "X-no, not II thai 1 can think of—except that I aiu a l; little how-legged." • l Senior Partner: "Keep a sharp eye on Holdfast. I'm afraid he's robbing the ,l firm." Junior Partner: "Eli? s lie living ex■f ■travaganlly?" ' .Senior I'.irlner: ' Well, I passed liim ■' 'in the sired vesterday, and lie was smoking a cigar' that didn't smell at all b:ul " J c Dejected Youth: *'l would like to return this riigagenient-ring- I purchase,! * here a few days ago." Jeweller: "Didn't it suit the voung r ' ' lady!" Dejected Yinutli: "Yes; but another . young man had already given her one just like it. and 1 would like to exchange it for a wedding present." j Extract from a s'peech made at a ,1' woman's suffrage meei.ing: m ! "The glorious work will never he accomplished until the good ship '\>ite n Lejfor Women' shall sail from one end of ,f j the land to the other, and, with a cry i ol '\ iclory' at each step she takes. plant her banner in every city lown. , : anil village in the kingdom," i|*. A' distinguished Irish lawyer, always in impoverished circumstances, on'cc took Chief Justice Whiteside to see ni- ,.. magnifieonllv-l'urnished new house in Dublin. ' "lloii'l you think," he said, with a ,1 iook about, "that 1 deserve gl":! el-edit for this!" 'Acs." judge answered, dl'vly, "and |. you appear to have got it." If j one exception everything I've njpur. money into has gone up in the ail" I "What was the exception!" '•An airship." Stout Cent (to applicant for post as clui pel-cleaner I: "Yes, 1 like your face. How Ion;: were you in your last place! 1 Applicant: "Seven years." L Sl,ml Out: ■ v.'lia't were vou doimr ~ there!" 1- Applicant: "Seven years." !_ ' Henry,' said .Mrs. (,'loonip, at dinner. I, looking down at her watch.'but spcaking io .Mr. Cloonip on the other side of n the table, "my watch hasn't varied a , second ill a week." r "liemarkuble! said .Mr. Gloomp. "How did .you get it to vary so little! "I broke the mainspring." Hotel (,'iiest (to bov who haw answered the bell): "I Want the boots. You're not the boots, surely!" „ I 'oy in Buttons: "No, sir; P m the socks." j. liuest: ".Socks! Y.hi inipudcnt voung rascal! What do you mean?" * ~ Boy ill Jluttous: "Why, you see, sir, K I'm under the boots." There was a grand bail progressing, and .Mary and Jane were watcliin" bebind the door. i "Look at the colonel dancin' the polka," exclaimed the cook, in admira"An' is tliot danein' the polka!" cried Jane, in astonishment. "Sure, Ui thought he bad a hole in his .poekcL, all' .■ was tryin' to shake a "slrilliii" down his r W ... [ """"t "nulling fellow I ever knew!"/ . exclaimed the, with the hrcczv per- ' sonalit.v. -riu never going (~ have anything to do..with him again." "What has he been saying to you!' , "Nothing." "\\ bat has he been s'aying behind your ( back!" ' ".Y.nthing. Kverv time I start to toll I ' ; him It funny storv he looks tin at ihel ; clock." ' Sir i'reilenrk Tliesiger, whili> cii»aL'cdi in the eon,ln:-! of a case, objected Io the irrcguh.i'iiy of the counsel 011 the opposite side, wlui, in examining h ; s witnesses, put leading ijUestiims. , "I have a right," answered the counsel. "to de;il with my witnesses .r- t please." "To that I oiler no objection," lelorl-j ed Sir Frederick. -)fc.i mav deal as vou like, but. vou sh.rVt lead."' » ' * V ' "You know, Miss Blank/' said Hie , proprietor of a railwav-slatio,, restaurant, "there is a great deal in having your sandwiches look .itiruclive" "Yes, sir, I know it." replied the girl: "I have done everything ] cnuld. I have . (lusted those santhviches everv uioi'ning for the last ten days!" A parson who had decided to leavr an iinremniieralive congregation, lindiii" it : impossible to collect his salary, said in his farewell sermon: '■T bare little more to add. dear brethren, isave this. You are all (11 favor of free salvation, and I lie manner ' in which yon have treated 11:0 provus ' that, vou have got it!" Mr. lietls: "Well. I iniinl sav that a University does a boy a great deal ol good." Mr. Meek: "Indeed!" .Mr. I'etts: ' Yes. My son came lioiur r for vacation, and between betting 0,1 football and playing bridge the young rijseal won enough from me to keep him in a pocket-money for a year." New Ivliloi' (tu old schoolmate): "II hurts inc. old fellow, to wound \ollr I ; tcelings, but really we are so overstocked wjth poetry that il'.s. useless to read yours. We can only accept what , shows unmistakable genius." . R Old Schoolinntc: "Well, just read that H I poem and tell me what you think of it. It may prove hotter than vou imagine." . a' New Editor (having read the poem): f< "It is as I feared; the poem shows no promise whatever. It is simply absurd.' 8 1 Old Schoolmate (with a broad grin): 1"That's just what I thought. H's a a copy of some verses' you wrote in my F< autograph book while, we were at ti school." w