ALLEGED HUMOR

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 244, 20 November 1909, Page 3

ALLEGED HUMOR

"Look here, Tomkins," »aid the proprietor of thi' billiard saloon to the marker, "you really must lie more, direful of the elialk. Vou must kee[i mi eye on Hie players when they use it." "-Can't 'elp it, sir, replied loniums, with a vacant stare. "1 know the Kent* wot pockets the elialk, but they're regular customers, and we can't allord to oll'eml them, can we, sir?" '•No, Tomkins, that wouldn't do; but vou might give lliem a gentle mm mai then the National party of those days, we don't give llie eliulk away." Tomkins suid he would do his best, and a few Hays later, on seeing a player calmly pocket a lump of chalk, lie tackled the culprit. "You'll excuse me, sir," lie said, "hut are you connected with the milk trade iu any way?" "Yes, but what's that to voir!' demanded the offender. "Well," said Tomkins, "1 thought vou must lie something to do with the milk trade, judging liv the amount of chalk vou carry away. The boss likes enterprise, and lie 'told me to drop . vim ". bint that if you wanted a bucket ol ! water at any time he'd be quite ready to oblige."

"Yes," said the talkative man, "1 saw a very wonderful thing in the Hue of surgical operatioiw during the Doer war. IA friend of mine was shot through the breast, the bullet passing clean through him. The presence of mind of his companion undoubtedly saved bis life. He wrapped his handkerchief aroiud the ramrod of his gun, and, pushing it through the path made by the bullet, cleared the wound of all poisonous lead. It is hard to believe, I know, but, gentlemen, the man still lives to tell the tale." "Which manV" enquired the 'i|iiiet corner pascnger. "The wounded one, of course," exclaimed the old soldier scornfully.

'■l bog your pardon," said the quiet man, "I thought you meant the oilier."

liver: "I wonder why Browne added the ''c' to his name after inheriting a fortune V" Oyer: "He probably figures out to his own satisfaction thiit rich people are entitled to more ease than poor people.'' "Yes," mused the returned Arctic explorer "at one time we came within an inch of freezing to death. Luckily, however " He gazed relleetivelv at the ceiling. "We had the presence of mind to fall into 11 heated discussion." "Hoarding Mistress: "Is there anything wrong with that egg, Mr. FourpcrY I see you according it a very critical examination." Mr. romper: "Oh, not anything wrong with liie egg. Mrs. Skimpcm. I was just looking for the wishbone, that's all." She: "So many men marry for money! You wouldn't marry me for money, would vou, dearest?" lie '(absently): "No. darling; I wouldn't marry you for all the money in the world!" And he marvels' now that she didn't speak the last time he met her. Tradesman (wearied by the importunity of commercial traveller): "for goodness' sake take yourself oil'! Your everlasting persistence is enough to make a fellow cut his lliroat." Impressible Traveller: "Ah, now, sir. we shall do a bit. of business. In addition to other things, 1 represent a liist-class firm of cutlers. Let me show you samples of my razors." "They say Tony's injuries were tlie result of a practical joke." "Yes. The chappies told him tnat a Li., burly fellow- in the smoking-room was deaf and duiuli, and Tony walked our to him with a sweet smile and told him lie was a fool." "Well!" "The mail wasn't deaf and dumb."

•■What was old fat Jhicpl giving -j lie: editor such a doing for?" queried '3 Lin junior reporter ot the sub-editor; ijj "VYliv. vou kiKiu. lie gave a lecture!* las*, night' to the Debating Society/ !: •Well, what, about, it?" i'« "His subject was -The Survival of the j Fittest.' and the eomp. went and made J it read: 'Mr. Jlacphee lectured in his J ovi, inimitable stvle on 'The Survival j? of (he Fattest.'" ' |$ l.'v falling from a carl, a Chinaman. I whose life was insured for a large g amount, was seriously liurt. There was ' > sjme doubt as to hw ever getting better, S an.; at length one of his friends wrote j to the insurance company, "Hong Wang i Lee half dead: likee half money." jjj "This is a most delightful place." said \ a tourist to an innkeeper in a small town in the North of e'raTH-c. "but it is '' certainly a strange idea to |iave Ihe roads with such terrihlv sharp Hints," "All, yes!" replied tlie landlord. "But . what can you expect, monsieur? The . mayor, he is a s'hoemaker!" i

An aeronaut, leaning over the edge of I the car as his balloon was slowly passing over 41 football Held, overbalanced himself and fell plump amongst the players. When he recovered consciousness he found social of the club officials bending over him anxiously. "Ah," said the. treasurer, in a tone of relief, "I'll trouble you for your sixpence now, old fellow." "Mrs. O'Roouey," ~aid Father MeMuiphy, "why do 1 never see Patrick at church now?" Mrs. O'Rooncy shook her head sadly. "Is it Socialism'/" "Warso than thot, your rivereuce." Is't Atheism!" "Worse, your riverencc." "What is it, then?" "Itheumatism."

Two jehus in Brighton had narrowly escaped colliding in one of the main streets, and, as each blamed '•t'other,'' they commenced .slanging each other.

"Co on," said one. "You've to tie a knot in yer nag's tail to keep it from falling into tho nose-bag;!" "Who's talking?" yelled the other. "Why, if yer old nag fell down, you'd have to strike a light to look for it!" Papa was about to applv [lie strap. "Father," said While, gently but firmly, ''unless that instrument of chastisement has been properly sterilised I' must protest." The old man gasped.

".Moreover." continued Willie. "1 In* germs that might be released by the violent impact of leather upon a porous textile fabric but lnlelv exposed to the dust of the streets would be likely to nfleet you di'leteriously." The ..Irap fell from a nerveless hand, ami Willie flitted. Miss Elder: "1 will bet you an\ lliing von like that I never marrv," '.Mr. lias.v: "I'll take vou."

Miss Elder (rapturously): "Will yon really? Then f need not bet at all.

.lack: "Where is the pretty go] yon were .making love to n year ago;'' Tom: "Oh, she's married long iilio." "Jilted you, eh?" "No, worse than that; she married

A sign in the rooms of an American I hotel reads as follows: , "Indian clubs ami dumb-bells will not '. be. .permitted in any of the rooms [ Kinesis in meed of exercise can go down . to Hie kitchen and pound a aleak." Hearing a faint rustle in tin- dark ' hallway Mow, the elder sister, supposing the young man had gone, leaned over the balustrade and called oul: ; "Well, Bessie, have you lauded him;" j There was a deep sepulchral silence for some moments. It was broken by ' the hesitating, constrained voice of the , voting man: ' "She has." ;| K * * At a. christening in a mining district I recently the godmother had «ome dilli- : culty in removing the child's head-dress, , and (lie minister, wishing to help her. [ asked the father if he could hold Hie . jchilil. I! Immediately the falhcr. who Was a \ collier, and proud of his 1 strenglh. looked [ at him with disdain, and replied: I "Hand him? Man, T could lling him . richt ower the kirk!" ''# * # Two rival public-houses wore getting ■ready (cams to play a football match, I land c-ieh landlord was desirous that his I own team should win. On,, landlord , j called his team together and (old (hem /here was a gallon of beer f.«;- every ; goal they scored. The other landlord , overheard (his. and. not (.1 he outdone, promised his team the same quantity nf ,bcor-a gallon for every goal. At' I lie . 1 interval in the mulch both landlords , ru-hed on the field and said the game ! must he stopped. The score was thirtyfour goaU against thirty-two t