ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 227, 30 October 1909, Page 3

ALLEGED HUMOR.

He: "Nellie, just look at that man 'standing behind nie, 1 don't think I ever ;sa\v anyone so plain!" j She: "Huih, dear; you forget yourself!" ' I "Indeed, my love, I'm afraid you'll ' never see heaven," she said to her hus- ! band, who was a newspaper man. ! I 'ljon't be alarmed," he replied. "Did you ever know a place 1 couldn't get a ' paes to*" ' I "Do ycz b'litvc in friuology?" asked ! Mr. Dolan, "meanin' be that the sighnce 'iv tellin' a man's charackter be the li.mps 011 'is head." '| Iv course," answered Mr. llall'eily. ! "There's liothin' gives a better clue to a. ' man's lialute than lumps, black eyes patches iv shtickin' plahster, an' the rrst iv such signs." I "Did you ever stop to think, my dear," said Mr. Micawber, gazing at his plate of lobster salad, "that the things we love most ill this li'fe are the very things that never agree with us?" 'Will you be so kind," said Mi*. Micawber, straightening up, "as to tell uiu . whether you are speaking of the salad oi of me, sir?"

"Well, Silas, did you enjoy your trip to London? What did you lind new there?" "Why, somethin' wuth seein'. Tlie hull place is full o' cn'us with cash registers on 'em, an' red flags to show folks it's dangerous to dispute the fare: They call 'em taxidermy calls, 'cause ef you don't mind tlie drivcrs'll jest take the tkin off ye." A gentleman who was staying at an hotel in the Xortli of Scotland noticed that, though the weather had been very stormy for some days, the barometer continued to point to "set fair." "I am afraid there is something wrong with your barometer," he remarked to the landlord. .\ T a, na, sir," was tile reply; "she's a good glass, ail' a powerful glass, but she's no tae be moved wi' trifles." An old lady from the country was staying with some friends in town. She came from a place where Glasgow news was seldom heard. After reading the evening paper one of the family remarked to her: ''lmagine! The Lord Provost's Fund thirty-five thousand pounds." The old lady looked rather surprised, and exclaimed, "Miclity me, what a sum o' money to be lying on the street! Where was it fund ?"

"I say," asked Jenks, as he walked into Binks' shop, sample-case in hand, "can a cowhide in a bootshop ?" .Binks wasn't at all slow. "No," he said; "but calfskin." Two Yorkshiiemen visiting London for tlie lirst time noticed a doorplate on which was engraved the word "Chiropodist." The following conversation' was overheard: "Hi, Geordie, what is a "chorrup> dial'?" •'Why," tavs Geordie, "don't you know that a 'ehorrupodist' is a man what tenches canaries to whistle?" A woman coming down the garden walk was horrified at seeing her son standing on his head against the garden wall. "Johnnie, you wretch." she cried, "what are you iloing now?" "Standing on my napper." replied .Johnnie. . "Didn't vcr tell me to play it siimmat that wouldn't wear my toots out ?" "Mamma.'' said little Elsie, "do men ever go to heaven?" "Why, of course, my dear. AVhat you ask';" "Because T never see any pictures of angels with whiskers," "Well," said tlie mother, thoughtfully, "•nine men do go to heaven, hut tliev get there by a close shave."

Robbie hail longed for a baby brother and a pair of white rabbits. The answ r to both wishes came on the 6amc mornin.;; but it was not quite satisfactory, for there were two baby brothers and only one rabbit.

Robbie was greatly disgusted at the I mistake. The next day hie father found tile following notice tacked to the gate- ■ |«-t: "l"'or Sail.—One nice fat baby; or I wiU exchange him for a white ra'b-bct." Ureta: "lielle U'lls inc she's sorry she ever married yon /'' Clarence: "She ought to be. She did some nice girl out of a'good husband!" "Really," Kiiid the callow youth, "I am no longer a mere boy. I've got a little hair on my lip now." 'Ves," n plied .Miss l'epprey, "and perhaps in a lew weeks you may have an'.ither one." first .Medical Student (to his fello.vloi'ger): "What are you locking that poitnwnteau for! There's nothing in it" Su-ond Ditto: "That's just why; for if my landlady knew it I should hav<u to clear out pretty quickly, I cau toll you." A somewhat reckless youth, who enlisted in tlie Territorials and had spent Ir-, time in camp, tvrotc home unsuccessfully for money. Finally he sent this telegram as a "clinch":— "Father, leg shot off in sham battle. Send all tile funds you can." To this the old man replied. "Sou, don't know your number; but wcodcn leg goes to you by express. If it doesn't lit, get camp carpenter to plane it. Best love; all well here." ■"So 1 hear you've made a lot of meney 01. the Stock Exchange!" said the young man's uncle. ' Yes, sir." "That shows how one may, with proper luck ami promptness, succeed if lie will only take advantage of hie opportunities." "Hut T lost that and several thoiisan Is more to-day." "Young man, how often have I told you that such transactions arc merely tumbling, and that yon are bound to I'onie to .grief sooner or later if you dabble in them?"

\ fellow who*. appearance warranted I til" belief lliat lie had quarrelled with fttu'p and wiilcr some year* nno npnlied frr a position as portov with a lar::-.' 1 concern wle-re heln was badlv needed. 'Ti'ie manager looked him ove v doulilfullv. Finally lie handed him half-a-erown. "Go up town and Inke a bath.'' hp I,if 1 bim. "Then eonie back, and maybe l"l Im" M>le io take yon on." The fellow started for the door. And. oh, l>v the way," the iuanar:.»v rilled after him, £ 'if there's any <<?mn"c b.'l f . take another bath."

Many L'i'Oil stories arc'("ld about llio popular )-!njr|j>h Labor .\l.l'\. Will Crooks. wh<.us ju.sf sto rtiiip on a tour round I ho woild. 11,. is idolised in his ennslituoiicv. ilic inhabitant; look upon him ,i s almost all 1 !' to put riilil nearly every'[hing tiiat happens In lie wronjr! There is one man living in (lie neighborhood, however. who ha« been hoard to make a efniplaint a.aninst him. This par lieular person went, ahout liis house one ilav mil!teriiijj. "Wot's tile sood o' Crooks? 'K ain't tin "Wot yer talkia* aj.iiht? W'v ain't lie no good?" asked his wife. "Well." replied the gnuulil'i. "it's three week* that our sink's lie-ig slopped no and 'c ain't been rahnd to aballt it yet!" • * * I

Tile Bishop tti Sodor and Man tells an aniusin.j story of n visit he onee pi Is] I" a friend of liis. At Ihe station he found a enrriaire waiting for him. so he .punned in and closed tlie door. But the c.i'Tiajrc did not move, and Dr. Briny sat. still for some time, wondering what was amiss. AI last li > put his head out Of the window and asked the coachman what he was wailing for. "Well, sir," I'M.'icd Ihe I'Oiicbii'n,, touching his hat. '! was told to wait [or the "Oi-liop of and Man. You've arrived, sir, hut where is your man?"

'■'Xow, voung people?' said a professor of natural history to liis class, "now, liK'll, as to liensi. A hen has the capacity '"-- 3 "ml no more, and she litosnes in just about live vears. \ ow what, is t» l,e ,|mn> , v iH| , ut oir lier head and sell her for a Slums chicken!" exclaimed an urchin, whofio father dealt in ponltn*.