ALLEGED HUMOR.
A health officer recently received the following note from one of the residents of his district at Home:— "Dear Sir,—l beg to tell you that my child, aged eight months, is suffering from measles required by Act of Parliament." As Willioju bent over her fair face in whispered, "Darling, if I should ask you in French if I might kiss you, what would you answer?" She. calling up her scanty knowledge of the French language, exclaimed, "Billet doux." The Powder Manufacturer: "Fancy old Tom, of all people, going into the gunpowder shed with a lighted candl;. I should have thought that that wou'.el be the last thing he'd do." Tiie Workman: ''Which, properly speakin', it were, sir." A doctor prescribed rest and change fur a small boy, saying that his system was quite upset. After he had gone the little hoy said: "1 knew I was upset, mamma, because my foot's asleep, and things must hi pretty bail when you go. to sleep at the wrong end." "You'll have to pay me live pounds for this," said the tramp, rubbing his head, to the golfer who had struck him with a full drive. "But I called out 'Fore!'" said the golfer, in extenuation of his offence. "Oh, did you»" said the tramp. "Well, I'll take four." The people of a certain town have [been going in crowds to see the freak which the showman describes as follows: "Now we show. Walk up, ladies and gentlemen—walk up! The marvellous African hyena! Measures fourteen feet from the tip of his nose to the end of his tail, and the same distance back again, making in all twenty-eight feet!" A family of children, after the usual I Saturday night romps, gathered in the urawing-room for music and singing. As bedtime drew near the mother said: I "Now,, children, choose one hymn to I finish up with, and then you must a.l j say 'Good-night.'" "Let's have, 'Ere again our Sabbath close,'" suggested a bright little girl of about seven years of age. "Well, I think that would be more suitable to-morrow evening," replied the mother.
"Oh, But you always air our Sabbath clothes on Saturdays, mummy!"
He: "When Shakespeare wrote, ahout Patience, on a monument, did he mean doctors' patients?" She: "Vou don't lind them on monuments, but under them." "I tell you, sir, kissing the hand that smites you is nothing to whut I saw in the hotel this morning." "What was that!" •The poiicr blacking the boots that had kicked him last night." Dr. Pills: "\\,'hy are you always so careful to enquire what your patients eat? Does it assist your diagnosis!" Dr. Squills: "Yes; t c-au form some idea from their dinners what to charge 'em.'' Sandy .UcXab: "Aye, aud it was o fcarfu thing I saw!" Friend: "What fcarfu' thing did you sec, Sandy 1" Sandy ilcXab: "Why, Donald McDonald walkin' down the street on Stuiaay and lookin' just as happy as if it, w as a week day." A convict iii a (icrnian prison had been extremely refractory. One morning Ihe warder said to the kceptr, "I say, lluber, the scoundrel is acting worse than ever. Put him on bVead ana water." "But he is really doing two fast days." "Then give him a cookery hook to
A husband and wife ran a freak show :n a certain provincial town, but, unfortunately, they quarrelled, and the exhibits were equally divided between ahem. The wife decided to continue I business as an exhibitor at the old address, but the husband went on tour. Alter some years of wandering the I prodigal returned and a rcconciliatio/i took place, as the result of which they I became business partners once more. A few mornings afterwards the people ot the neighborhood were sent lata lits ol laughter on reading the followiu" notice in the papers:— •% the return of my husband, my stock ot freaks has beeiu uermanentl v UK-reused!"
Webbs: "Why don't you consult a doctor about vour insomnia V 1 Slubbs: '•Wlii.tr Ami run up more hills! Why, it's because of what I owe nun now that [ can't sleep."
'•Mow me, if this ain't a swindle," exclaimed old Farmer Hodge indignantly, ■llcre I've went and bought a typewrit|ing limchine, thinking it would do my j writing for me without any trouble, am! 1 iind you can't write with' it unless you I know how to play the piano," Cannibal Chief: "What was that I r uad I for dinner J" " I Cannibal Cook: ''He was a bicyclerider, your Excellency." Cannibal Chief: "I "thought 1 detected a burnt taste." Cannibal Cook: "Yes, your Excellency; ho was scorching when we caught him." . Edith: "Oh, Percy, your present was Iso beautiful! And you iminteUioiially left the price-tag- on—eight guineas." [ I'ercy: •■<)« ]iow careless of me!" Edith: -'And I see you bought it at Sclluin's. And 1 know you wouldn't mind taking it back and exchanging it for one of those lovely cighl-gufn.'a brooches tlicy have there; would von';" I'ercy: ''(lti ; not at all! With" pleasure!" I'ercy (an hour later, in his room): "That k what comes of buying a sixlccnshilling ring and sticking an eightguinea tag on it. Now I've got to buy the brooch u r lose the girl."
I A gentleman'travelling stopped at tile house of :i pious old woman, and, olij serving her fondni'ss for a pet dog, yenI lured'to ask the name of the animal. I The good woman answered liv wiving that she called him "Moreover." ' I "K mil that a strange name/"enquired the gentleman. •;Vfs," said the lady; "lint I thought it 'must he a good one. as I found it in the hilih'." "Found it in the Bible!" cxclaiincd the gentleiuan. "I'mv. in what part of the Jliblc did you find it*" The old la'dy took down her Bible I with the utmost reverence, and. turning to tilt? text, read as follows: ".Moreover, I the dog came and licked hi* sores." I
Tommy: ''Mr. Young, my sister Laura said at' table this morning that she thought you. had the prettiest • mous. I ache that she ever saw." Mr. Voting: '•Von oughtn't to I ell things that you hear at table,' Tommy." Tommy: '"Hut she'* going to give me a penny for telling you."
I Mr.»/Oraiiierey: "If yott want 11 nidi hall rug, wiiy don't you get one of those tiger skins with the real head on it?" Mrs. dayboy: "I never could use one of those things in my hall. You don't know how imaginative iny husband ievery time he comes home late."
"Yciung mail,'' said her father, "I dun i want you to be too attentive to n't
daughter." I "Why— it—really," stammered the young man, "I had hoped to marry her some " "Exactly; and I'd like you to marry her. but if you're too attentive to her you won't have money enough to do it.-'
The head of a big firm of contractors I was walking a round, and stopped to con. verse with old (leorge, a stableman. •'Well, Oeorge, how goes it?" he sail. "Fair to middliu', sir," George answered. "Fair to micldlin'." And he continued to rtili down u bay horse, while the other looked on in silence. "Me and this 'ere boss,'' (ieorge said suddenly, "has worked for you for sixteen years." "Well, well "wiid the boss, thinking a little guiltily of Ucorgc's very low wages. "And I suppose you are both pretty highly valued, (leorge, cli?" "H'm!" said (ieorge. "Both of us was took ill iast week, «nd they got a-doetor for the hoss, but thev just docked my pay!" '* * « ' Jolinnv (aged five): ''Mamma. [ wish 1 had a'little sister!" Mamma: "Why do you wish that, dear?" j .Johnny; "I'm tired of teasiu' the eat!" "So he's a bore. Does he tell old jokes?" [ "Oh, worse than that! He tells ori-j ginal ones!"
Permanent link to this item
Hononga pūmau ki tēnei tūemi
https://paperspast.natlib.govt.nz/newspapers/TDN19091023.2.61
Bibliographic details
Ngā taipitopito pukapuka
Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 221, 23 October 1909, Page 4
Word count
Tapeke kupu
1,312ALLEGED HUMOR. Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 221, 23 October 1909, Page 4
Using this item
Te whakamahi i tēnei tūemi
Stuff Ltd is the copyright owner for the Taranaki Daily News. You can reproduce in-copyright material from this newspaper for non-commercial use under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International licence (CC BY-NC-SA 4.0). This newspaper is not available for commercial use without the consent of Stuff Ltd. For advice on reproduction of out-of-copyright material from this newspaper, please refer to the Copyright guide.