ALLEGED HUMOR.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 215, 16 October 1909, Page 4

ALLEGED HUMOR.

WHAT HE WANTED. ' Heavy Tragedian (seated at a railway hotel before a roast chicken and small potatoes): ''Prithee, landlord, dwells there within the precincts of this liaiv let a machinist?". Landlord: "A machinist? Yes, sir."

Tragedian: "Then take to him this bird of many springs. Did him wrench a»muler these iron limbs, ami then, for our regalement, to chisel slices from .ts underlying bonom, for we dine anon; and do it t|uickly. \um ocas you need not cany, for those, with dexterous management, we can swallow whole, Away!"

Beggar: "Have you a copper you lan spare, sir?"

Carleton: "Yes, you will lind him in the kitchen, making love to the cook.'"Where is the girl of long ago?" sings Joaquin Miller. We saw her the oilier day, Joaq. ll.it she isn't a girl any more. She had grey hair, anil a wait on her nose, had no teeth, and wore specs. Aunt Spinstcrly; "I hope that your opinions uphold the diguity of our sex, Mamie, and that you believe that ever/ woman should have a vote?"

' Mamie: "1 don't go quite so far as that, auntie; but 1 believe that every woman should have n voter!"

"Grandma, have you seen the coinage the Government are now making—three pieces to a penny?" asked a young hopeful home for the holidays.

"No," said the old lady, with much interest. "What are they like?" "Two farthings and a halfpenny," answered the graceless youngster.

"Pa, what does it mean to lie tried by it jury of one's peers?" "It menus, my son, that a man is to ' be tried by a jury composed of men wbo i are his equals, or on equality with him,! 50 that they will have no prejudice! 'gainst him." I

"Then, pa, I s'posc you'd nave to iw tried by a jury of ibaldheaded men?" Mistress: "Wish to leave, Mary? Why, 4 you only came yesterdny." | ' Mary. "Yes, inarm. In engaging I thought you was a sparrargrass and champagne gentry; but when I 'ears from cook that you eat cu'bbages, earrots, and such-like second-hand vegetables, and drinks beer, I sees there ain't nothing aesthetic in it, and I resigns my place." |

"What's the matter, dear?" asked Sir. .Tustwed as he came into the house and found his wife trying as if her heart would break.

"I nin so discouraged," she sobbed. "What Ims bothered my little wife?" "I worked all the afternoon making custards, lieeause 1 knew yon were so fond of t]iem, and—and " hero slie began weeping hysterically again. "And what, darling!" "And they turned out to be sponge cakes!"

Teacher (to youngster who had been misbehaving): "Now, Bobby, don't you know where bad boys go?" Hobby: "Yes, jua'iim; across their mother's knee."

A clergyman startled his drowsy congregation the other day as follows:

''My dearly beloved friends, permit mi to remind you tluit I come here to preach, not to act as umpire in a snoring match."

Lawyer (to complaining client): "Well, have you at last decided to take my advice and pay this Ml of mine?" Client: "Y-e-s."

Lawyer: "Very well." (To Clitk) "Williams, just add (is 8d to Jlr. Smith's bill for further advice."

Rustic: "Look 'ere, mister; I understood that this 'ere .stuff I got o' yoi would cure anvthink."

Chemist: "What, the 'Cure All'? Yes, it will cure "

lius.tic: "Well, then, there's certainty somethink wrong, for I've rubbed a whole bottleful on a ham an' it's na more cured than you are." A man who had been three times marvied ami as often left a widower was imported to be thinking of a fourth time entering into the ble.-sed and comfortable estate of holy matrimony. A friend ventured to ask whvther there wan any truth in the rumor, nii.l received this sagacious reply: "Xn, nu; what wi' ■mairryin' them, ani what wi' buryiu' them, it's »wer expensive."

Jack: "When do you intend to ta-'te your holiday ?" lien: "1 am taking it now," . "Hut you are still in town." "Yes; .but my wife and mother-in-law have gone to the country."

•'Where is my wife, Miss Lowe?" l.e asked -of tin; new governess. "-She has just gone upstairs, sir." "•Well, w.ill you kindly give hev this kiss for me? I've got a train to catch, and haven't time to take it to her myself." Mrs. Snnppein (who has been suffering from toothache): '•llmnk goodness, I've had that tooth out at last." Mr. Snappcin: "Happy tooth." Mrs. Snappem: "What do you mean?" Mr. Snappein: "It's out of the reach cf your tongue." "Have you ever written on an empty stomach?" asked the .mere man. "Sir!" exclaimed the literary person, "I am u poet, not a tattoo artist!" . # ( » "Do you pay your servants by the week or by the month?" ".Mercy! How long do you think tney stay with us? We have to pay them by the hour."

A genial looking gentleman wanted an empty bottle in which to mix a solution, and went to a chemist's to purchase one. Selecting one that suited his purpose, lie asked the shopman how much it would cost.

"Well," was the reply, "if you war.t the empty bottle it will be a penny, but if you want anything in it you can have it for nothing." "Sure, that's fair," said the witty eus. (omer. "Put in a cork."

"John," said the contractor to his foreman, "I will have to leave matters in your hands to-day. Sue that those foundation walls are filled with rubbish in the centre and faced with brick, so as to appear to be made in six courses, as per specification. See that the men use u little more gravel and loss hair in that inortnr, too." , "All right, sir. Will you be back again to-day?" "No. I've got a lawsuit against a swindling tailor, who made me some clothes that were half cotton when he guaranteed thorn to bo all wool." "1 suppose," said n sympathetic neighbor, "that you will erect a handsome monument to your husband's memory?'' 'To his memory V" echoed the tearful widow. "Wiiy, poor John hadn't any, I was sorting over sonic of bis clothes to-day, and 1 found the pockets full of letters I had given him to post." "Give me a ham sandwich!" shouted file traveller at the bur of the refresh-ment-roam. Two seconds later lie complained to the attendant, "That was tile worst sandwich I ovoy had. No more taste than sawdust, and not big enough to sec." "You've ot ycr ticket," returned the attendant contemptuously; "this here's yer 'am sau'wioh.'' Quite recently a warship of the Atlantic Squadron found it necessary to call for i\ few hours at a military port on the coast of Ireland. Tommy Atki.is, meeting a full-bearded Irish tar in t'.ic street a couple of hour.* later, «iid: "Pat, when are you going to plate your whiskers on the reserve list?" 1 "When you place your tongue on the Civil hist," was the Irish sailor's reply. A sentry while on duty was bitten by a valuable retriever, and drove his bayonet into the dog. Its owner sued him in the county court for its value, and the evidence given showed that the soldier had not been ibadlv bitten after all. "Why did you not knock the dog with (he butt end of your rifle?" asked the judge. The Court rocked with laughter wh-m the sentry replied: "Why didn't he hit i mo with his tail?" i# # # Lady Visitor: "That new girl of yours seems very nice and quiet." Mistress: "Yes, she's very quiet. She doesn't even disturb the dust .when sh.'s .cleaning the room." / Mr. Brown (whoso wife has fuinbdh in Paris on his wedding tou'i" "(innd .heavens! If I only knew the French for Eau de Cologne I"